sighs.. feel that stuff's been rather weird lately.. some ppl that u usually talk to or hang out with sudddenly stop talking.. it just feels weird.. although this feeling isn't a stranger to be anymore.. somehow it has a made a home for itself deep within my being. the other day my friend was complaining about me being innocent.. about me assusing.. but sometimes.. it's not assuming but more like a gut feeling u know? like u already know that it's gonna happen one way or another..
i guess the thing i still have to learn is that people are not always what they seem to be.. nver give ur whole self to someone cos somehow they would do something to make u regret that u did.. it's not assuming this time.. it's a fact of life.. a lesson that i can never pass.. u say i shouldn't close myself up to people.. but if i don't do that... i'd get hurt all over again. why is it never the other person that is hurt but me instead? am i really that big of a loser that i can't even see it coming even though it is so close that i can feel its breath upon my skin? sometimes... i think.. is all of this ever really true? or am i just living a lie? a work of fiction in a fiction filled world.
i don't know.. i don't know how to trust anymore. i don't know how to make things better. i don't know how long more i can go on for. i don't know what u're thinking or why u do what you do. i don't know why i still carry on.. i don't know why i keep on smiling even though all i want to do is to cry and cry sometimes. i dunno what else to do. i dunno where else to go. i dunno how else to handle this then to keep it all inside me. i just.. don't want anymore. don't want to be bothered.. don't want to care. to don't to give warmth and receive nothing but a cold shoulder. don't want to keep going on even though i know this is a battle that i cannot win no matter how hard i try. i don't want to be bothered by all this anymore.. i don't want to be haunted. i just wanna run... run as far that no one can find me. no one can catch up with me.. run all the way till i reach a place where no one knows me.. i wanna feel as though ppl care... i wanna feel the warmth i used to feel.. i wanna just stop doing all this. i just wanna sceam and shout and break everything in my room. i wanna be able to just act like nothing is wrong.. i wanna just be as open as everyone else...
but i can't.
sometimes... u just try so hard.. until u're all brusied.. and bleeding.. scratched.. cut.. everything.. and yet u still can't get what u so long for.. can u really just keep going on? or just give in and let fate consume ur very being? i just wanna... i just wanna.. wanna run till i can't be traced...
lately i have been thinking, and i feel as though my mind is filled with insecurities. dabendan.. i like him man.. or i feel that i like him.. then again i'm not sure about dalang.. and bp.. well haha he hasn't talked to me in a while. i guess it's bcos i changed my name on fb.. cos too many annoying people are adding me and i couldn't take it anymore.. so just change. besides, i like the new name that i chose. wished that somehow it was my name. bendan.. haha.. i swear man he's stalking me or something.. haha.. he knows my name liao.. and it's cos of my own carelessness.. cos i forgot to hide my e-mail in fb. stupid right?
anyways.. whenever bendan is online he would talk to me.. and i really like talking to him cos it's damn fun, there's always something damn random that we would talk about. the other time we were talking about how many children we would have in the future.. haha.. he wanted 2 and i wanted 4.. if his first born is a son, then he want have one only. why? cos he loves his future wife very much, giving birth is painful and he don't want her to suffer or even worse, die cos of the child. so nice... but for me.. i want 4.. if can.. then 5.. actually.. 7 if i'm really good, i know which years i want them in already.. it all depends on when i get married then.
lol.. he wants to get married when he's 26 and i want when i'm 24 or 25.. haha.. plus i'm one year younger than him ^^ so happi.. the sad thing is i can't be abck home for a while.. he told me though.. that if i was studying back home then he would zui me already >.< lol. but i dun really know whether he is ready for a relationship cos his first love hurt him damn badly and like he can't really give himself up to anyone already.. he won't give a hundred pesent in the relationship.. i mean.. i would like someone who is willing to put in 100 percent, although i know i might get hurt again.. it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.
third time's a charm (: i hope so too.. actually. i already calculate.. when i finish my studies, i would be 23? so we have 2 years to go out with each other.. wah.. but i think a bit too far also right? lol. see how first.. i like him a bit.. and maybe he like me a bit too.. i hope that he can find courage to love someone wholeheartedly once more (:
dalang.. this person confuses me seriously man... first he talks a lot to me and then now he's not replying my msg.. mmm.. nevermind.. if he don't reply then don't reply lor.. at least i would know that he is not serious and don't really care about me one.. so allow me to concentrate on my bendan.. ok.. not mine yet but he's single.. heh heh.. i mean dalang is not that bad looking.. buttt.. i feel like there is really not much that i know about him and that i know more about bendan that i know about dalang.. but dalang already told me that he want to zui me. wa seh. guys are damn complicated man.. on minute they say they want u, the next moment, they don't want. werid creatures man seriously.
luckily, my feelings for dalang haven't really develop yet so i dun really care that much.. still can go out with bendan when i go back ^^ happi.. very happi.. but at that time he got ns liao.. so only weekends and public hols and... weekdays after 6pm. but still ok for me.. sept cannot then go in dec.. surely can one.. we both love fish and chips!!! food very important.. and we both hate fishcake and fishball.. lol.. still say i copy him.. so cute lur..
perhaps he's the reason why i wanna lose so much weight too.. i feel that i am able to lose that much weight too..afterall.. i can't eat much anymore after i had my mandy and then the flu.. must rememebr that i have dental tmr.. going there by taxi ^^ BENDAN!!!! ^^ i shagua, he bendan.. very compatible.. haha.. tell me his fish need to sleep.. actually it's he need to sleep. haha.. like i say he damn cute one.. and such a nice person.. (: happi that know him ^^
sighs.. can't describe the amount of stuff that happened during this period of time. i was telling fishy that day about all the drama mama that happened for my debate thing. omg. i cannot believe it man. heh. first meeting, she didn't bring her lappie. so share with tee. nevermind.. then say family members would discrimate those in their family that have a disease. which is totally illogical, cos they are still ur family, who would discrimate their own family members? i think ur heart is damn black man.. haha.. kidding.. just something wrong la..
nevermind.. second meeting she said that she would come. so i saw her outside the meeting place, and she told me that she was going to eat, then she would come after that.. ok.. so tee and i waited for her.. until like 6+ and her shadow didn't even appear.. then u know what she said when tee asked her why she didn't come? she said that she went to puke after she eat, then she went for tute.. and she passed by our meeting place, saw us there but didn't even bother to tell us that she was not coming.. sms also never give. and i'm like wth.. she is bloody rich somemore, send one sms also won't lose a piece of her meat. so annoying.
so then.. we had to meet vin to let him see our points, like review them.. so we ask when she is free.. at first tee suggest monday and i say ok cos i have no lab that day.. but then i thought that vee(the girl i'm talking about here) had a lab.. but then i remembered tat she dropped that subject.. so.. she should have been able to come.. but she told me that she had outside class.. when i asked her what outside class she had she told me "outside class lah" like what the hell man seriously.
ok that's not the bad aprt yet, she know tee is free on tues, but she and i have class on tues, so she told tee to tell me to skip class.. so i was like wth, if i skip then she has to skip, so tee told me that she was going to skip it.. and her reason for telling me to skip was.. i don't even pay attention anyway, why go? lecture is such a waste of time.. and i was like water the flower man.. seriously.. cannnot take it, i go and scold her.
so i'm like.. can u please get serious with ur work? this project is like 30% of our grade. it may not be a big amount to u but to tee and i, it is. tee and i are like working ur ass off and what are u doing? just bcos u are ok with skipping class, doesn't imply that everyone else is. u could at least tell us what outside class u have so that we can understand ur situationstand ur situation.. anyways, the debate is 30% of our grade, please go and weigh for urself, which one is more important. also, please spare a thought for others besides urself and go and reflect on what u done.
then she was like.. seriously? hahahahahahahha. omg.. that really pissed me off man.. seriously crossed the line liao.. so i was like.. u think this is funny? is everything a joke to u, jsut bcos u can afford to gamble with ur future doesn't mean that everyone else is. and she just went offline after that. then tee was telling me what vee said to her. cos vee was like WTF and pasted what i said for tee to see.. but tee also dunno what to say cos what i say is wad both of us felt.. and then vee was like... if that's ur impression of me then i don't think we can be friends anymore.. so tee was like.. wad about the project and vee said.. she would gao dim it.. and see vin at a different time. u know, our project was due on wedd and she can still suggest that we go see vin on thurs, when the project already over. like wth seriously. oh, we were having this argument on saturday before our project was due. and she hasn't done a single thing up to then.
anyways, that is not the best part yet. she deleted and blocked tee and i. then afterwards add back tee but still block me.. then u know what she did? save the convo where i argue with her and show the whole world man.. luckily, my friends already know tee and my side of the story. she's 21 years old living in the 21st century and she still have the "i don't friend u" mentality.. she needs someone younger than her to tell her how to do her job properly.. not disgraceful mah? still can tell the whole world that she is from gifted stream someone and talks with an accent. geez man, loosing one person like her, i have no regrets.
i miss.. there are many things that i miss when i think back.. so many things that i think.. i remember.. and i reminscence.. and i miss.. i miss being able to like someone just so innocently.. u know.. like after u've been hurt once.. twice.. a few times.. it's just hard to open up urself to another person again.. what happens if that person hurts me all over again. they say that you need the same amount of time to forget a person as u did to love them.. well.. can't say that it's true to some extent.. thinking about it i did take about a year or so to stop being angry at a certain someone.. to be as nonchalant as i am right now..
seriously.. i do not regret that it ended.. i'm actually glad that it ended the way it did.. or the two of us wouldn't be happy at all and he really isn't the person that i reallly want to be with.. the person i want to be with probably forgot that i even existed.. that's cos he's a big celebrity.. but despite knowng that i still like him u know? cos i really really really feel as though we are really made for each other.. but i don't know.. da lang asked me if i would be really happy if a celebrity proposed to me.. well i wouldn't know really.. if it's a taiwanese one.. i guess i would be happy.. cos asian celebrities are different from western ones.. i guess.. but i wouldn't know.
it's kinda weird how sometimes u just know a person for a few days yet u feel as though u've known them for a long time already.. well i do talk to dalang and bp as though we're like good friends.. but i guess only time would tell. i really don't know what kind of people they really are.. but i still hope that they are good people u know? sighs. my exams are coming.. i should be more concerned about studying instead of all these. i think da lang actually asked me out hypothetically.. cos he said he wanna go out with me when i go back home.. but i just met him.. dunno man.. i'll see first. can't say that i'm not scared bcos i really am.. most likely i would ask pau to go with me.. or fishy.. or just someone.. bp also wanted me to go out with him when i'm back.. sighs..
did i mention that i don't really like to drink coffee? sighs.. bp.. dalang. hey wait.. i realised that no smart people have asked me out.. T.T i attract not so smart ppl.. actually.. i would prefer someone who isn't that smart.. bcos.. love would be more innocent then wouldn't it? heh.. i haven't been someone's first love yet.. but someone was my first love.. how sad is that? actually.. it's kinda good in a way cos i won't have to break the heart of a person who never fell in love before.. a love noob. haha. that's gonna be my term man. love noob. i guess everytime we fall in love we become love noobs. (:
bp apologised to me today for coming back late last night and not being able to talk to me.. sweet huh? he's a nice guy.. i can tell.. but he loves to suan me and be lame.. lol. so fun when i talk to him.. most of the time.. with da lang it's like.. it's nice to talk to him.. but it's a different feeling that i get from him.. i just dunno how to describe it.. i hope that bp gets in poly.. hopefully he would get in..
so what is my lenten sacrifice? i dunno yet.. i can't decrease the amount of time on the comp.. for now i can't fast bcos i'm sick.. when i'm well.. i think i have to fast for the whole week.. mondays are good.. then.. tues.. and..thurs.. and fri maybe? i miss the big stupid.. he hasn't talked to me in a while.. sighs.. actually i think that he is quite handsome and nice.. and we share a lot of similarities.. but.. sighs.. i dunno.. still thinking about bp and dalang. haha. cho bu la ji xiang gu tou. i miss.. well i miss.. everything..
zomg i just realised that i haven't updated this blog in ages and this is suppose to be my public blog. i think that everyone thinks that this blog is already dead. well.. short update on my life, there is nothing interesting happenning as usual i lead a rather dull life don't u think. i haven't slept for a day lol. don't ask me why i just can't sleep that would be the best reason that i can give u. i hope that my teacher sends me the survey fast so that i can get it over and done with lol.
sooo.. i miss all the people back home as usual. there is nothing that i don't miss.. o wait.. yea there is someone that i won't miss. actually iw as thinking of talk to HIM cos i'm really tired of this not talking and all but that would mean that i'm weak isn't it? cos i was the one that suggested that we shouldn't talk in the first place.. and i promised, but besides that i remembered why i stopped talking to him in the first place. then i don't think i should talk to him anymore. i dunno if he would ever talk to me. i guess that he would never ever talk to me again but i don't mind anyways, cos he wasn't very nice to me in the first place. it's a long complicated story that would take me a whole day to even finish talking about. i don't care about who he's in a relationship with. i'm really over him... which i am happy about.
my annoying room mate is slamming the doors again. it is seriously wigging me out man. phew i just thought that i left my keys in the keyhole again. yes again, cos i done it before. it's pretty bad i guess. if u haven't realised that i like turqoise, u're really slow. i like quite a few colours, then i realised that i might have like certain colours because of him, colours which i normally didn't like in the first place but who cares right. influence on my life. then again doesn't everyone influence ur life in one way or another. i only had one class today. it's annoying to wake up early to go for class-oh wait, i didn't sleep so i can't really say that i woke up early today for class now can i?
i ate spagetti and toast for breaky. it was disgusting. don't even get me started on it. and the worst thing is that i was the one that made it. i say it's the spagetti thought, it taste a bit gross. def not going to eat that kinda of stuff again. gross. so what am i going to do with the spagetti in the fridge? o well i guess i would eat it some other day then. i got my new book which i am very happy about. there is another book that i need to get but then i don't want to buy book no. 13. i hate that number sia. urgh. i like 8. but i won't buy book 8 it would be too late then don't u think so. well i guess i should update other stuff.. heh.
addios.
i love having a black background sometimes.. it really allows me to use whatever colous i want to.. except for back though. so like.. i'm going out with my bc friends this friday.. i can't wait.. just have to think of where to meet and what to do. i was thinking of like.. taking neoprints, eating.. maybe watch a movie cos i haven't watch a movie with that before.. cos like that time koonlong and ma rui wanted to watch the dark knight but i laredy watched it.. mind u, that show is like damn freaking long. hmm.. this font looks kinda big.. but i think that it would look smaller when i upload this post. i dun think that many people are even reading this blog sia. haha.
i found out that fishy changed her blog.. zomg.. i must be like really slow man. so i'm gonna ask her for her addy when i talk to her. i can't believe that tmr is gonna be palm sunday, time really does fly doesn't it. haha. was suppose to eat dinner with willy today i think.. i think la.. cos like nothing was confirmed. he keeps asking me to go out and do stuff with him.. haha.. actually it's been a really long time since we met up. cos the last time we just went for dinner.. haha.. he hasn't changed much.. in my opinion that is. hmm..
omg.. i can't wait to poke fun at daryl man!! woah! he's bald now.. muahahaha.. let the fun begin man. okies.. i think i'm being damn bad here. next sat i'm going out with my bestie!! really excited.. cos she's my bestie afterall. :DDDDD oh yea.. have to go out with fishy too.. there's like so much things i gotta get now. damn i can't believe that i have driving like.. tmr.. at like 7am. just kill me man. it's damn freaking early. i dun think that my eyes would be opened fully. gotta see when is my next lesson after that. hehe. wonder what a prozac is. ok that was like damn random. think i'm gonna wrap up here. dunno what else to say. au revior.
omg.. i can't believe that i'm so freaking free to even blog. gosh... haha.. anyways.. i dun think that much has been going on.. still remember that daryl owes me one outting.. muahahahaha.. yes.. i'm gonna torture him. it's just us.. we always fight with each other.. haha.. but still.. we are super good friends.. we dun like seriously fight.. only like play fight u know. so.. i haven't heard if sam got into the uni yet.. gosh i hopes that she gets in man.. afterall.. seh is my bestie.. whee.. haha.. speaking of which i wanna go out with her again.. there's so many things which i need to buy now which i know she knows why. i'm like so excited for university man. it's like.. woah. haha. i can't wait to go back to school again. and this is coming from someone who hates to wake up in the morning for school. the irony.
so hmm.. i guess there's nothing much to say then. currently i think i'm hooked on that bejeweled game on facebook. haha.. but as with al my othe game addictions.. i give it a onth and it will go off.. haha.. i get bored of games.. cos it's all the same.. there's nothing new.. like.. each level u still gotta do the same stuff and not something different.. and like doing that over and over again just makes me plain bored. so.. i can't believe i didn't go for prom. o wait i can.. cos like practically none of my friends went for it except for lynette.. but.. hmm.. haha.. can't tell u why i regret though.. secret. haha. but i guess it would have been fun to go.. but it might be boring for me cos i dun really know anyone there. besides lynette and her friends.. but like.. u know i dun really like to impose on soeone or make it look like i'm clinging.. cos i'm independent :D it's true. haha.. i'm gemini after all..
still all the astrology thing.. some stuff are true some aren't cos it kinda depends on what time u are born, how full the moon is and where the planets are all, where u face,, it's all really complicated. so.. yupps.. and which day u're orn too.. the year. gosh i sound like a damn blood nerd. :( i dun wanna be a nerd.. haha.. i dun wanna be a pie from chicken run.. okies.. that was like really random. haha.. all the chickens were british.
speaking british. i thnk that british guys have the cutest accent ever. like EVER. haha.. it's so... haha.. it's foreign.. makes u like them more u know.. afterall i dun really like that whole cowboy accent from usa.. it just reminds me of hillbillies in a way.. and my impression of hillbillies.. not too good though.. blame the media man.. haha.. british accent.. mmm... haha. anyways.. getting carried away here. o yea. i watch the confessions of a shopaholic.. maybe that's where the whole british accent thing came in. the male lead has a super hot accent. hehe. he ain't bad looking too. i can't believe that some ppl actually spend that much money on their clothes and stuff.. like so much. i dun reall care too much about designer.. i like my clothes to have a brand name but they don't need to be prada or chanel.. haha.. although.. i still want that chanel bag that lauren conrad has,, it is so freaking nice. enuff said. i should get some rest. got a whole new day ahead of me. muacks.
i realised that my blog is damn freaking noisy man.. o yea.. i can't believe that i still have time to even blog. there's like so many things going on in my life right now. haha. oh ea.. i forgot topass sam her chocolates. i can be such a forgetful person sometimes. and my teachers think that isn't true but it is.. it's called short term memory. haha. it's not that i don't want to bring my homework sometime u know.. it's just that at that point in time i kinda lose my train of thought and forget what i'm doing. so then.. i won't remember it until it's too late. yupps. like.. i forgot to take my breakfast. this happened so often when i was schooling. i usually take a slice of bread and i leave it on the table. the thing is i have to rmeember to take the slice of bread with me before i go out.
but u see, the thing is i tend to forget that part and rush out the door. until i'm like.. halfway in my journey then i realise that i forgot to take my breakfast. like who wants to forget breakfast man.. seriously. so it's like.. i really forgot to do some stuff and like it's not that i wanted to do it. it just happens and i can't control it. i can't tell my mind like hey.. stop forgetting stuff cos it doesn't work that way. hopefully future teachers would be more understanding. so this means that i need to eat more fish to help me remember stuff better.
i miss talking to my bc friends. there're so far away. the memories they gave me were like unforgettable. hahahahaha. so many fun times. it's like.. we were the only ones in the group that really bonded u know. and we still talk and hopefully go out. haha.. but it's not too possible cos daryl and koonlong are still in ns. haha. the two of them.. are like sugar and coffee.. they go along so well. i just dun really get along with koonlong.. mabe it's cos i dun really know him that well yet and we haven't even spoken a word since we last met. i dunno. it seems kinda awkward to me. but daryl is a whole different story. who else would bug me in the middle of night saying that he couldn't sleep and wants me to talk to him. haha. in that way he is like.. kinda my best friend but at the same time he isn't cos i haven;t know him that long yet. haha. sam and guppy are my besties. guppy.. he's the first guy to be my friend.. if not i have no guy friends man. that would be kinda sad.
speaking of which i haven't talked to him in like the longest time ever. i should do so sometime soon. i have to go out with fishy too.. although we did go out that day to the education fair. haha. but no harm. gotta go out with sam, guppy, daryl and ma rui. DARYL OWES ME ONE OUTTING! haha. he said he would plan a day that we can go out. humph. haha. in the meantime i should think of other stuff i could do. ciao amigos.
man.. i can't believe that i haven't blogged in like the longest time ever. so a lot of stuff has happened. this is a public blog so i'm not too keen on revealing too much information. haha. well.. first off.. i reconnected with one of my long lost friend from england. loads of stuff has changed since the last time we talked. haha. that was like so long ago. well.. he grew taller.. that i know.. took out his braces and had some piercings and tattoos. yupps.. i still like talking to him.. i remember like the first time i actually heard his voice.. my first thought was.. what a cute accent. haha. but it's true.. y'all know british have a really cute accent.
anyways.. other that have happen. i became closer to my good friend from british council. daryl. haha. he's damn freaking funny. damn freaking funny. hahahaha. and he always suan me. always. first.. it's about be being a guy.. then i tell him that i'm a girl.. and he goes zomg.. you are? i thought u just like cross dressing! haha. he's loads of fun to talk to. damn.. talking about that i miss talking to him already. T.T he's my good friend.
ok.. other friends that i've made... ma rui and koon long. haha. they're awesome. oh.. i forgot about ashley. he's so full of crap sometimes. he loves to play tricks on me. he LOVES it. haha. but he always sleeps in class.. so who wakes him up? your truely.. haha.
other stuff? i dunno. i din go for prom and missed out on talking to my eyecandy. but i'm over him already. eyecandy... mmm.. haha. got a haircut and a nephew. haha. sighs... i'm tired.. haha.. will blog when i wanna.. (:
alr
u know i think that it's kinda funny.. just after i logged on i saw the featured question about how to accept rejection from the one u love.. well.. i went thru a few answers and thought that what solarhead said was really.. well.. wise in a way. i haven't thought about it that way before.. but i guess that thing has been trying to tell me the same thing to.. like when it's time to give up.. just give up. there's no use going on cos it'll only cause hurt to urself. it's not going to hurt the other person bcos they dun care about u already. i thought u might wonder what his response was. so here is solarhead's responseHow would you accept rejection from the person you love?
wow
I know a little something about this one.
Let it go. If there's nothing there, attachments/feelings not reciprocated, then there's no reason to continue with it ... only misery and paranoia grow in that garden.
Lighten up. Perhaps it'll prove itself to be for the Best. the Intended could turn out to be a whack-job or just a bad match, obscured by infatuation.
Walk Away. You'll never find what's waiting around the corner unless you actually walk far enough away to make the turn that leads to the rrest of Your Life.
PAX
http://www.xanga.com/Solarhead/666728480/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
pretty deep hur? i think it would help me outta this sticky situation that i'm in.
i thought that this guy's response was also pretty good..
http://weblog.xanga.com/marksonwalls/666727479/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
u all should go check it out. haha.
some other responses that were wuite intriguiing
http://weblog.xanga.com/poeticarla/666722911/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
http://www.xanga.com/mijau/666717614/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
http://weblog.xanga.com/Southeast_Beauty/
666700548/how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
http://www.xanga.com/CARLOSISTHEGREATEST/666686059/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
and the ultimate answer goes to this guy...
http://weblog.xanga.com/boldntrue/666702850/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
it's like wow... it's liek how the old saying goes.. "if u love someone, let them go, if they come back to u, they are forever yours, if they don't, they never were." it's so true.
Name
Age
School
bday
[[ The Wishlist ]]
New wand!
Lockart's new spell book
Murder the potions master
New broom
Get into the school's qudditch team
[[ Don't talk crap, it's fucking rude ]]
sighs.. feel that stuff's been rather weird lately.. some ppl that u usually talk to or hang out with sudddenly stop talking.. it just feels weird.. although this feeling isn't a stranger to be anymore.. somehow it has a made a home for itself deep within my being. the other day my friend was complaining about me being innocent.. about me assusing.. but sometimes.. it's not assuming but more like a gut feeling u know? like u already know that it's gonna happen one way or another..
i guess the thing i still have to learn is that people are not always what they seem to be.. nver give ur whole self to someone cos somehow they would do something to make u regret that u did.. it's not assuming this time.. it's a fact of life.. a lesson that i can never pass.. u say i shouldn't close myself up to people.. but if i don't do that... i'd get hurt all over again. why is it never the other person that is hurt but me instead? am i really that big of a loser that i can't even see it coming even though it is so close that i can feel its breath upon my skin? sometimes... i think.. is all of this ever really true? or am i just living a lie? a work of fiction in a fiction filled world.
i don't know.. i don't know how to trust anymore. i don't know how to make things better. i don't know how long more i can go on for. i don't know what u're thinking or why u do what you do. i don't know why i still carry on.. i don't know why i keep on smiling even though all i want to do is to cry and cry sometimes. i dunno what else to do. i dunno where else to go. i dunno how else to handle this then to keep it all inside me. i just.. don't want anymore. don't want to be bothered.. don't want to care. to don't to give warmth and receive nothing but a cold shoulder. don't want to keep going on even though i know this is a battle that i cannot win no matter how hard i try. i don't want to be bothered by all this anymore.. i don't want to be haunted. i just wanna run... run as far that no one can find me. no one can catch up with me.. run all the way till i reach a place where no one knows me.. i wanna feel as though ppl care... i wanna feel the warmth i used to feel.. i wanna just stop doing all this. i just wanna sceam and shout and break everything in my room. i wanna be able to just act like nothing is wrong.. i wanna just be as open as everyone else...
but i can't.
sometimes... u just try so hard.. until u're all brusied.. and bleeding.. scratched.. cut.. everything.. and yet u still can't get what u so long for.. can u really just keep going on? or just give in and let fate consume ur very being? i just wanna... i just wanna.. wanna run till i can't be traced...
lately i have been thinking, and i feel as though my mind is filled with insecurities. dabendan.. i like him man.. or i feel that i like him.. then again i'm not sure about dalang.. and bp.. well haha he hasn't talked to me in a while. i guess it's bcos i changed my name on fb.. cos too many annoying people are adding me and i couldn't take it anymore.. so just change. besides, i like the new name that i chose. wished that somehow it was my name. bendan.. haha.. i swear man he's stalking me or something.. haha.. he knows my name liao.. and it's cos of my own carelessness.. cos i forgot to hide my e-mail in fb. stupid right?
anyways.. whenever bendan is online he would talk to me.. and i really like talking to him cos it's damn fun, there's always something damn random that we would talk about. the other time we were talking about how many children we would have in the future.. haha.. he wanted 2 and i wanted 4.. if his first born is a son, then he want have one only. why? cos he loves his future wife very much, giving birth is painful and he don't want her to suffer or even worse, die cos of the child. so nice... but for me.. i want 4.. if can.. then 5.. actually.. 7 if i'm really good, i know which years i want them in already.. it all depends on when i get married then.
lol.. he wants to get married when he's 26 and i want when i'm 24 or 25.. haha.. plus i'm one year younger than him ^^ so happi.. the sad thing is i can't be abck home for a while.. he told me though.. that if i was studying back home then he would zui me already >.< lol. but i dun really know whether he is ready for a relationship cos his first love hurt him damn badly and like he can't really give himself up to anyone already.. he won't give a hundred pesent in the relationship.. i mean.. i would like someone who is willing to put in 100 percent, although i know i might get hurt again.. it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.
third time's a charm (: i hope so too.. actually. i already calculate.. when i finish my studies, i would be 23? so we have 2 years to go out with each other.. wah.. but i think a bit too far also right? lol. see how first.. i like him a bit.. and maybe he like me a bit too.. i hope that he can find courage to love someone wholeheartedly once more (:
dalang.. this person confuses me seriously man... first he talks a lot to me and then now he's not replying my msg.. mmm.. nevermind.. if he don't reply then don't reply lor.. at least i would know that he is not serious and don't really care about me one.. so allow me to concentrate on my bendan.. ok.. not mine yet but he's single.. heh heh.. i mean dalang is not that bad looking.. buttt.. i feel like there is really not much that i know about him and that i know more about bendan that i know about dalang.. but dalang already told me that he want to zui me. wa seh. guys are damn complicated man.. on minute they say they want u, the next moment, they don't want. werid creatures man seriously.
luckily, my feelings for dalang haven't really develop yet so i dun really care that much.. still can go out with bendan when i go back ^^ happi.. very happi.. but at that time he got ns liao.. so only weekends and public hols and... weekdays after 6pm. but still ok for me.. sept cannot then go in dec.. surely can one.. we both love fish and chips!!! food very important.. and we both hate fishcake and fishball.. lol.. still say i copy him.. so cute lur..
perhaps he's the reason why i wanna lose so much weight too.. i feel that i am able to lose that much weight too..afterall.. i can't eat much anymore after i had my mandy and then the flu.. must rememebr that i have dental tmr.. going there by taxi ^^ BENDAN!!!! ^^ i shagua, he bendan.. very compatible.. haha.. tell me his fish need to sleep.. actually it's he need to sleep. haha.. like i say he damn cute one.. and such a nice person.. (: happi that know him ^^
sighs.. can't describe the amount of stuff that happened during this period of time. i was telling fishy that day about all the drama mama that happened for my debate thing. omg. i cannot believe it man. heh. first meeting, she didn't bring her lappie. so share with tee. nevermind.. then say family members would discrimate those in their family that have a disease. which is totally illogical, cos they are still ur family, who would discrimate their own family members? i think ur heart is damn black man.. haha.. kidding.. just something wrong la..
nevermind.. second meeting she said that she would come. so i saw her outside the meeting place, and she told me that she was going to eat, then she would come after that.. ok.. so tee and i waited for her.. until like 6+ and her shadow didn't even appear.. then u know what she said when tee asked her why she didn't come? she said that she went to puke after she eat, then she went for tute.. and she passed by our meeting place, saw us there but didn't even bother to tell us that she was not coming.. sms also never give. and i'm like wth.. she is bloody rich somemore, send one sms also won't lose a piece of her meat. so annoying.
so then.. we had to meet vin to let him see our points, like review them.. so we ask when she is free.. at first tee suggest monday and i say ok cos i have no lab that day.. but then i thought that vee(the girl i'm talking about here) had a lab.. but then i remembered tat she dropped that subject.. so.. she should have been able to come.. but she told me that she had outside class.. when i asked her what outside class she had she told me "outside class lah" like what the hell man seriously.
ok that's not the bad aprt yet, she know tee is free on tues, but she and i have class on tues, so she told tee to tell me to skip class.. so i was like wth, if i skip then she has to skip, so tee told me that she was going to skip it.. and her reason for telling me to skip was.. i don't even pay attention anyway, why go? lecture is such a waste of time.. and i was like water the flower man.. seriously.. cannnot take it, i go and scold her.
so i'm like.. can u please get serious with ur work? this project is like 30% of our grade. it may not be a big amount to u but to tee and i, it is. tee and i are like working ur ass off and what are u doing? just bcos u are ok with skipping class, doesn't imply that everyone else is. u could at least tell us what outside class u have so that we can understand ur situationstand ur situation.. anyways, the debate is 30% of our grade, please go and weigh for urself, which one is more important. also, please spare a thought for others besides urself and go and reflect on what u done.
then she was like.. seriously? hahahahahahahha. omg.. that really pissed me off man.. seriously crossed the line liao.. so i was like.. u think this is funny? is everything a joke to u, jsut bcos u can afford to gamble with ur future doesn't mean that everyone else is. and she just went offline after that. then tee was telling me what vee said to her. cos vee was like WTF and pasted what i said for tee to see.. but tee also dunno what to say cos what i say is wad both of us felt.. and then vee was like... if that's ur impression of me then i don't think we can be friends anymore.. so tee was like.. wad about the project and vee said.. she would gao dim it.. and see vin at a different time. u know, our project was due on wedd and she can still suggest that we go see vin on thurs, when the project already over. like wth seriously. oh, we were having this argument on saturday before our project was due. and she hasn't done a single thing up to then.
anyways, that is not the best part yet. she deleted and blocked tee and i. then afterwards add back tee but still block me.. then u know what she did? save the convo where i argue with her and show the whole world man.. luckily, my friends already know tee and my side of the story. she's 21 years old living in the 21st century and she still have the "i don't friend u" mentality.. she needs someone younger than her to tell her how to do her job properly.. not disgraceful mah? still can tell the whole world that she is from gifted stream someone and talks with an accent. geez man, loosing one person like her, i have no regrets.
i miss.. there are many things that i miss when i think back.. so many things that i think.. i remember.. and i reminscence.. and i miss.. i miss being able to like someone just so innocently.. u know.. like after u've been hurt once.. twice.. a few times.. it's just hard to open up urself to another person again.. what happens if that person hurts me all over again. they say that you need the same amount of time to forget a person as u did to love them.. well.. can't say that it's true to some extent.. thinking about it i did take about a year or so to stop being angry at a certain someone.. to be as nonchalant as i am right now..
seriously.. i do not regret that it ended.. i'm actually glad that it ended the way it did.. or the two of us wouldn't be happy at all and he really isn't the person that i reallly want to be with.. the person i want to be with probably forgot that i even existed.. that's cos he's a big celebrity.. but despite knowng that i still like him u know? cos i really really really feel as though we are really made for each other.. but i don't know.. da lang asked me if i would be really happy if a celebrity proposed to me.. well i wouldn't know really.. if it's a taiwanese one.. i guess i would be happy.. cos asian celebrities are different from western ones.. i guess.. but i wouldn't know.
it's kinda weird how sometimes u just know a person for a few days yet u feel as though u've known them for a long time already.. well i do talk to dalang and bp as though we're like good friends.. but i guess only time would tell. i really don't know what kind of people they really are.. but i still hope that they are good people u know? sighs. my exams are coming.. i should be more concerned about studying instead of all these. i think da lang actually asked me out hypothetically.. cos he said he wanna go out with me when i go back home.. but i just met him.. dunno man.. i'll see first. can't say that i'm not scared bcos i really am.. most likely i would ask pau to go with me.. or fishy.. or just someone.. bp also wanted me to go out with him when i'm back.. sighs..
did i mention that i don't really like to drink coffee? sighs.. bp.. dalang. hey wait.. i realised that no smart people have asked me out.. T.T i attract not so smart ppl.. actually.. i would prefer someone who isn't that smart.. bcos.. love would be more innocent then wouldn't it? heh.. i haven't been someone's first love yet.. but someone was my first love.. how sad is that? actually.. it's kinda good in a way cos i won't have to break the heart of a person who never fell in love before.. a love noob. haha. that's gonna be my term man. love noob. i guess everytime we fall in love we become love noobs. (:
bp apologised to me today for coming back late last night and not being able to talk to me.. sweet huh? he's a nice guy.. i can tell.. but he loves to suan me and be lame.. lol. so fun when i talk to him.. most of the time.. with da lang it's like.. it's nice to talk to him.. but it's a different feeling that i get from him.. i just dunno how to describe it.. i hope that bp gets in poly.. hopefully he would get in..
so what is my lenten sacrifice? i dunno yet.. i can't decrease the amount of time on the comp.. for now i can't fast bcos i'm sick.. when i'm well.. i think i have to fast for the whole week.. mondays are good.. then.. tues.. and..thurs.. and fri maybe? i miss the big stupid.. he hasn't talked to me in a while.. sighs.. actually i think that he is quite handsome and nice.. and we share a lot of similarities.. but.. sighs.. i dunno.. still thinking about bp and dalang. haha. cho bu la ji xiang gu tou. i miss.. well i miss.. everything..
zomg i just realised that i haven't updated this blog in ages and this is suppose to be my public blog. i think that everyone thinks that this blog is already dead. well.. short update on my life, there is nothing interesting happenning as usual i lead a rather dull life don't u think. i haven't slept for a day lol. don't ask me why i just can't sleep that would be the best reason that i can give u. i hope that my teacher sends me the survey fast so that i can get it over and done with lol.
sooo.. i miss all the people back home as usual. there is nothing that i don't miss.. o wait.. yea there is someone that i won't miss. actually iw as thinking of talk to HIM cos i'm really tired of this not talking and all but that would mean that i'm weak isn't it? cos i was the one that suggested that we shouldn't talk in the first place.. and i promised, but besides that i remembered why i stopped talking to him in the first place. then i don't think i should talk to him anymore. i dunno if he would ever talk to me. i guess that he would never ever talk to me again but i don't mind anyways, cos he wasn't very nice to me in the first place. it's a long complicated story that would take me a whole day to even finish talking about. i don't care about who he's in a relationship with. i'm really over him... which i am happy about.
my annoying room mate is slamming the doors again. it is seriously wigging me out man. phew i just thought that i left my keys in the keyhole again. yes again, cos i done it before. it's pretty bad i guess. if u haven't realised that i like turqoise, u're really slow. i like quite a few colours, then i realised that i might have like certain colours because of him, colours which i normally didn't like in the first place but who cares right. influence on my life. then again doesn't everyone influence ur life in one way or another. i only had one class today. it's annoying to wake up early to go for class-oh wait, i didn't sleep so i can't really say that i woke up early today for class now can i?
i ate spagetti and toast for breaky. it was disgusting. don't even get me started on it. and the worst thing is that i was the one that made it. i say it's the spagetti thought, it taste a bit gross. def not going to eat that kinda of stuff again. gross. so what am i going to do with the spagetti in the fridge? o well i guess i would eat it some other day then. i got my new book which i am very happy about. there is another book that i need to get but then i don't want to buy book no. 13. i hate that number sia. urgh. i like 8. but i won't buy book 8 it would be too late then don't u think so. well i guess i should update other stuff.. heh.
addios.
i love having a black background sometimes.. it really allows me to use whatever colous i want to.. except for back though. so like.. i'm going out with my bc friends this friday.. i can't wait.. just have to think of where to meet and what to do. i was thinking of like.. taking neoprints, eating.. maybe watch a movie cos i haven't watch a movie with that before.. cos like that time koonlong and ma rui wanted to watch the dark knight but i laredy watched it.. mind u, that show is like damn freaking long. hmm.. this font looks kinda big.. but i think that it would look smaller when i upload this post. i dun think that many people are even reading this blog sia. haha.
i found out that fishy changed her blog.. zomg.. i must be like really slow man. so i'm gonna ask her for her addy when i talk to her. i can't believe that tmr is gonna be palm sunday, time really does fly doesn't it. haha. was suppose to eat dinner with willy today i think.. i think la.. cos like nothing was confirmed. he keeps asking me to go out and do stuff with him.. haha.. actually it's been a really long time since we met up. cos the last time we just went for dinner.. haha.. he hasn't changed much.. in my opinion that is. hmm..
omg.. i can't wait to poke fun at daryl man!! woah! he's bald now.. muahahaha.. let the fun begin man. okies.. i think i'm being damn bad here. next sat i'm going out with my bestie!! really excited.. cos she's my bestie afterall. :DDDDD oh yea.. have to go out with fishy too.. there's like so much things i gotta get now. damn i can't believe that i have driving like.. tmr.. at like 7am. just kill me man. it's damn freaking early. i dun think that my eyes would be opened fully. gotta see when is my next lesson after that. hehe. wonder what a prozac is. ok that was like damn random. think i'm gonna wrap up here. dunno what else to say. au revior.
omg.. i can't believe that i'm so freaking free to even blog. gosh... haha.. anyways.. i dun think that much has been going on.. still remember that daryl owes me one outting.. muahahahaha.. yes.. i'm gonna torture him. it's just us.. we always fight with each other.. haha.. but still.. we are super good friends.. we dun like seriously fight.. only like play fight u know. so.. i haven't heard if sam got into the uni yet.. gosh i hopes that she gets in man.. afterall.. seh is my bestie.. whee.. haha.. speaking of which i wanna go out with her again.. there's so many things which i need to buy now which i know she knows why. i'm like so excited for university man. it's like.. woah. haha. i can't wait to go back to school again. and this is coming from someone who hates to wake up in the morning for school. the irony.
so hmm.. i guess there's nothing much to say then. currently i think i'm hooked on that bejeweled game on facebook. haha.. but as with al my othe game addictions.. i give it a onth and it will go off.. haha.. i get bored of games.. cos it's all the same.. there's nothing new.. like.. each level u still gotta do the same stuff and not something different.. and like doing that over and over again just makes me plain bored. so.. i can't believe i didn't go for prom. o wait i can.. cos like practically none of my friends went for it except for lynette.. but.. hmm.. haha.. can't tell u why i regret though.. secret. haha. but i guess it would have been fun to go.. but it might be boring for me cos i dun really know anyone there. besides lynette and her friends.. but like.. u know i dun really like to impose on soeone or make it look like i'm clinging.. cos i'm independent :D it's true. haha.. i'm gemini after all..
still all the astrology thing.. some stuff are true some aren't cos it kinda depends on what time u are born, how full the moon is and where the planets are all, where u face,, it's all really complicated. so.. yupps.. and which day u're orn too.. the year. gosh i sound like a damn blood nerd. :( i dun wanna be a nerd.. haha.. i dun wanna be a pie from chicken run.. okies.. that was like really random. haha.. all the chickens were british.
speaking british. i thnk that british guys have the cutest accent ever. like EVER. haha.. it's so... haha.. it's foreign.. makes u like them more u know.. afterall i dun really like that whole cowboy accent from usa.. it just reminds me of hillbillies in a way.. and my impression of hillbillies.. not too good though.. blame the media man.. haha.. british accent.. mmm... haha. anyways.. getting carried away here. o yea. i watch the confessions of a shopaholic.. maybe that's where the whole british accent thing came in. the male lead has a super hot accent. hehe. he ain't bad looking too. i can't believe that some ppl actually spend that much money on their clothes and stuff.. like so much. i dun reall care too much about designer.. i like my clothes to have a brand name but they don't need to be prada or chanel.. haha.. although.. i still want that chanel bag that lauren conrad has,, it is so freaking nice. enuff said. i should get some rest. got a whole new day ahead of me. muacks.
i realised that my blog is damn freaking noisy man.. o yea.. i can't believe that i still have time to even blog. there's like so many things going on in my life right now. haha. oh ea.. i forgot topass sam her chocolates. i can be such a forgetful person sometimes. and my teachers think that isn't true but it is.. it's called short term memory. haha. it's not that i don't want to bring my homework sometime u know.. it's just that at that point in time i kinda lose my train of thought and forget what i'm doing. so then.. i won't remember it until it's too late. yupps. like.. i forgot to take my breakfast. this happened so often when i was schooling. i usually take a slice of bread and i leave it on the table. the thing is i have to rmeember to take the slice of bread with me before i go out.
but u see, the thing is i tend to forget that part and rush out the door. until i'm like.. halfway in my journey then i realise that i forgot to take my breakfast. like who wants to forget breakfast man.. seriously. so it's like.. i really forgot to do some stuff and like it's not that i wanted to do it. it just happens and i can't control it. i can't tell my mind like hey.. stop forgetting stuff cos it doesn't work that way. hopefully future teachers would be more understanding. so this means that i need to eat more fish to help me remember stuff better.
i miss talking to my bc friends. there're so far away. the memories they gave me were like unforgettable. hahahahaha. so many fun times. it's like.. we were the only ones in the group that really bonded u know. and we still talk and hopefully go out. haha.. but it's not too possible cos daryl and koonlong are still in ns. haha. the two of them.. are like sugar and coffee.. they go along so well. i just dun really get along with koonlong.. mabe it's cos i dun really know him that well yet and we haven't even spoken a word since we last met. i dunno. it seems kinda awkward to me. but daryl is a whole different story. who else would bug me in the middle of night saying that he couldn't sleep and wants me to talk to him. haha. in that way he is like.. kinda my best friend but at the same time he isn't cos i haven;t know him that long yet. haha. sam and guppy are my besties. guppy.. he's the first guy to be my friend.. if not i have no guy friends man. that would be kinda sad.
speaking of which i haven't talked to him in like the longest time ever. i should do so sometime soon. i have to go out with fishy too.. although we did go out that day to the education fair. haha. but no harm. gotta go out with sam, guppy, daryl and ma rui. DARYL OWES ME ONE OUTTING! haha. he said he would plan a day that we can go out. humph. haha. in the meantime i should think of other stuff i could do. ciao amigos.
man.. i can't believe that i haven't blogged in like the longest time ever. so a lot of stuff has happened. this is a public blog so i'm not too keen on revealing too much information. haha. well.. first off.. i reconnected with one of my long lost friend from england. loads of stuff has changed since the last time we talked. haha. that was like so long ago. well.. he grew taller.. that i know.. took out his braces and had some piercings and tattoos. yupps.. i still like talking to him.. i remember like the first time i actually heard his voice.. my first thought was.. what a cute accent. haha. but it's true.. y'all know british have a really cute accent.
anyways.. other that have happen. i became closer to my good friend from british council. daryl. haha. he's damn freaking funny. damn freaking funny. hahahaha. and he always suan me. always. first.. it's about be being a guy.. then i tell him that i'm a girl.. and he goes zomg.. you are? i thought u just like cross dressing! haha. he's loads of fun to talk to. damn.. talking about that i miss talking to him already. T.T he's my good friend.
ok.. other friends that i've made... ma rui and koon long. haha. they're awesome. oh.. i forgot about ashley. he's so full of crap sometimes. he loves to play tricks on me. he LOVES it. haha. but he always sleeps in class.. so who wakes him up? your truely.. haha.
other stuff? i dunno. i din go for prom and missed out on talking to my eyecandy. but i'm over him already. eyecandy... mmm.. haha. got a haircut and a nephew. haha. sighs... i'm tired.. haha.. will blog when i wanna.. (:
alr
u know i think that it's kinda funny.. just after i logged on i saw the featured question about how to accept rejection from the one u love.. well.. i went thru a few answers and thought that what solarhead said was really.. well.. wise in a way. i haven't thought about it that way before.. but i guess that thing has been trying to tell me the same thing to.. like when it's time to give up.. just give up. there's no use going on cos it'll only cause hurt to urself. it's not going to hurt the other person bcos they dun care about u already. i thought u might wonder what his response was. so here is solarhead's responseHow would you accept rejection from the person you love?
wow
I know a little something about this one.
Let it go. If there's nothing there, attachments/feelings not reciprocated, then there's no reason to continue with it ... only misery and paranoia grow in that garden.
Lighten up. Perhaps it'll prove itself to be for the Best. the Intended could turn out to be a whack-job or just a bad match, obscured by infatuation.
Walk Away. You'll never find what's waiting around the corner unless you actually walk far enough away to make the turn that leads to the rrest of Your Life.
PAX
http://www.xanga.com/Solarhead/666728480/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
pretty deep hur? i think it would help me outta this sticky situation that i'm in.
i thought that this guy's response was also pretty good..
http://weblog.xanga.com/marksonwalls/666727479/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
u all should go check it out. haha.
some other responses that were wuite intriguiing
http://weblog.xanga.com/poeticarla/666722911/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
http://www.xanga.com/mijau/666717614/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
http://weblog.xanga.com/Southeast_Beauty/
666700548/how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
http://www.xanga.com/CARLOSISTHEGREATEST/666686059/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
and the ultimate answer goes to this guy...
http://weblog.xanga.com/boldntrue/666702850/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
it's like wow... it's liek how the old saying goes.. "if u love someone, let them go, if they come back to u, they are forever yours, if they don't, they never were." it's so true.