lost_forever...

2010-03-13T21:34:00.000+08:00

sighs.. feel that stuff's been rather weird lately.. some ppl that u usually talk to or hang out with sudddenly stop talking.. it just feels weird.. although this feeling isn't a stranger to be anymore.. somehow it has a made a home for itself deep within my being. the other day my friend was complaining about me being innocent.. about me assusing.. but sometimes.. it's not assuming but more like a gut feeling u know? like u already know that it's gonna happen one way or another..

i guess the thing i still have to learn is that people are not always what they seem to be.. nver give ur whole self to someone cos somehow they would do something to make u regret that u did.. it's not assuming this time.. it's a fact of life.. a lesson that i can never pass.. u say i shouldn't close myself up to people.. but if i don't do that... i'd get hurt all over again. why is it never the other person that is hurt but me instead? am i really that big of a loser that i can't even see it coming even though it is so close that i can feel its breath upon my skin? sometimes... i think.. is all of this ever really true? or am i just living a lie? a work of fiction in a fiction filled world.

i don't know.. i don't know how to trust anymore. i don't know how to make things better. i don't know how long more i can go on for. i don't know what u're thinking or why u do what you do. i don't know why i still carry on.. i don't know why i keep on smiling even though all i want to do is to cry and cry sometimes. i dunno what else to do. i dunno where else to go. i dunno how else to handle this then to keep it all inside me. i just.. don't want anymore. don't want to be bothered.. don't want to care. to don't to give warmth and receive nothing but a cold shoulder. don't want to keep going on even though i know this is a battle that i cannot win no matter how hard i try. i don't want to be bothered by all this anymore.. i don't want to be haunted. i just wanna run... run as far that no one can find me. no one can catch up with me.. run all the way till i reach a place where no one knows me.. i wanna feel as though ppl care... i wanna feel the warmth i used to feel.. i wanna just stop doing all this. i just wanna sceam and shout and break everything in my room. i wanna be able to just act like nothing is wrong.. i wanna just be as open as everyone else...

but i can't.

sometimes... u just try so hard.. until u're all brusied.. and bleeding.. scratched.. cut.. everything.. and yet u still can't get what u so long for.. can u really just keep going on? or just give in and let fate consume ur very being? i just wanna... i just wanna.. wanna run till i can't be traced...

bendan and shagua

2010-03-04T01:21:00.003+08:00

lately i have been thinking, and i feel as though my mind is filled with insecurities. dabendan.. i like him man.. or i feel that i like him.. then again i'm not sure about dalang.. and bp.. well haha he hasn't talked to me in a while. i guess it's bcos i changed my name on fb.. cos too many annoying people are adding me and i couldn't take it anymore.. so just change. besides, i like the new name that i chose. wished that somehow it was my name. bendan.. haha.. i swear man he's stalking me or something.. haha.. he knows my name liao.. and it's cos of my own carelessness.. cos i forgot to hide my e-mail in fb. stupid right?

anyways.. whenever bendan is online he would talk to me.. and i really like talking to him cos it's damn fun, there's always something damn random that we would talk about. the other time we were talking about how many children we would have in the future.. haha.. he wanted 2 and i wanted 4.. if his first born is a son, then he want have one only. why? cos he loves his future wife very much, giving birth is painful and he don't want her to suffer or even worse, die cos of the child. so nice... but for me.. i want 4.. if can.. then 5.. actually.. 7 if i'm really good, i know which years i want them in already.. it all depends on when i get married then.

lol.. he wants to get married when he's 26 and i want when i'm 24 or 25.. haha.. plus i'm one year younger than him ^^ so happi.. the sad thing is i can't be abck home for a while.. he told me though.. that if i was studying back home then he would zui me already >.< lol. but i dun really know whether he is ready for a relationship cos his first love hurt him damn badly and like he can't really give himself up to anyone already.. he won't give a hundred pesent in the relationship.. i mean.. i would like someone who is willing to put in 100 percent, although i know i might get hurt again.. it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.

third time's a charm (: i hope so too.. actually. i already calculate.. when i finish my studies, i would be 23? so we have 2 years to go out with each other.. wah.. but i think a bit too far also right? lol. see how first.. i like him a bit.. and maybe he like me a bit too.. i hope that he can find courage to love someone wholeheartedly once more (:

dalang.. this person confuses me seriously man... first he talks a lot to me and then now he's not replying my msg.. mmm.. nevermind.. if he don't reply then don't reply lor.. at least i would know that he is not serious and don't really care about me one.. so allow me to concentrate on my bendan.. ok.. not mine yet but he's single.. heh heh.. i mean dalang is not that bad looking.. buttt.. i feel like there is really not much that i know about him and that i know more about bendan that i know about dalang.. but dalang already told me that he want to zui me. wa seh. guys are damn complicated man.. on minute they say they want u, the next moment, they don't want. werid creatures man seriously.

luckily, my feelings for dalang haven't really develop yet so i dun really care that much.. still can go out with bendan when i go back ^^ happi.. very happi.. but at that time he got ns liao.. so only weekends and public hols and... weekdays after 6pm. but still ok for me.. sept cannot then go in dec.. surely can one.. we both love fish and chips!!! food very important.. and we both hate fishcake and fishball.. lol.. still say i copy him.. so cute lur..

perhaps he's the reason why i wanna lose so much weight too.. i feel that i am able to lose that much weight too..afterall.. i can't eat much anymore after i had my mandy and then the flu.. must rememebr that i have dental tmr.. going there by taxi ^^ BENDAN!!!! ^^ i shagua, he bendan.. very compatible.. haha.. tell me his fish need to sleep.. actually it's he need to sleep. haha.. like i say he damn cute one.. and such a nice person.. (: happi that know him ^^

gifted not really gifted

2010-03-03T16:44:00.002+08:00

sighs.. can't describe the amount of stuff that happened during this period of time. i was telling fishy that day about all the drama mama that happened for my debate thing. omg. i cannot believe it man. heh. first meeting, she didn't bring her lappie. so share with tee. nevermind.. then say family members would discrimate those in their family that have a disease. which is totally illogical, cos they are still ur family, who would discrimate their own family members? i think ur heart is damn black man.. haha.. kidding.. just something wrong la..

nevermind.. second meeting she said that she would come. so i saw her outside the meeting place, and she told me that she was going to eat, then she would come after that.. ok.. so tee and i waited for her.. until like 6+ and her shadow didn't even appear.. then u know what she said when tee asked her why she didn't come? she said that she went to puke after she eat, then she went for tute.. and she passed by our meeting place, saw us there but didn't even bother to tell us that she was not coming.. sms also never give. and i'm like wth.. she is bloody rich somemore, send one sms also won't lose a piece of her meat. so annoying.

so then.. we had to meet vin to let him see our points, like review them.. so we ask when she is free.. at first tee suggest monday and i say ok cos i have no lab that day.. but then i thought that vee(the girl i'm talking about here) had a lab.. but then i remembered tat she dropped that subject.. so.. she should have been able to come.. but she told me that she had outside class.. when i asked her what outside class she had she told me "outside class lah" like what the hell man seriously.

ok that's not the bad aprt yet, she know tee is free on tues, but she and i have class on tues, so she told tee to tell me to skip class.. so i was like wth, if i skip then she has to skip, so tee told me that she was going to skip it.. and her reason for telling me to skip was.. i don't even pay attention anyway, why go? lecture is such a waste of time.. and i was like water the flower man.. seriously.. cannnot take it, i go and scold her.

so i'm like.. can u please get serious with ur work? this project is like 30% of our grade. it may not be a big amount to u but to tee and i, it is. tee and i are like working ur ass off and what are u doing? just bcos u are ok with skipping class, doesn't imply that everyone else is. u could at least tell us what outside class u have so that we can understand ur situationstand ur situation.. anyways, the debate is 30% of our grade, please go and weigh for urself, which one is more important. also, please spare a thought for others besides urself and go and reflect on what u done.

then she was like.. seriously? hahahahahahahha. omg.. that really pissed me off man.. seriously crossed the line liao.. so i was like.. u think this is funny? is everything a joke to u, jsut bcos u can afford to gamble with ur future doesn't mean that everyone else is. and she just went offline after that. then tee was telling me what vee said to her. cos vee was like WTF and pasted what i said for tee to see.. but tee also dunno what to say cos what i say is wad both of us felt.. and then vee was like... if that's ur impression of me then i don't think we can be friends anymore.. so tee was like.. wad about the project and vee said.. she would gao dim it.. and see vin at a different time. u know, our project was due on wedd and she can still suggest that we go see vin on thurs, when the project already over. like wth seriously. oh, we were having this argument on saturday before our project was due. and she hasn't done a single thing up to then.

anyways, that is not the best part yet. she deleted and blocked tee and i. then afterwards add back tee but still block me.. then u know what she did? save the convo where i argue with her and show the whole world man.. luckily, my friends already know tee and my side of the story. she's 21 years old living in the 21st century and she still have the "i don't friend u" mentality.. she needs someone younger than her to tell her how to do her job properly.. not disgraceful mah? still can tell the whole world that she is from gifted stream someone and talks with an accent. geez man, loosing one person like her, i have no regrets.

i miss..

2010-02-28T00:12:00.002+08:00

i miss.. there are many things that i miss when i think back.. so many things that i think.. i remember.. and i reminscence.. and i miss.. i miss being able to like someone just so innocently.. u know.. like after u've been hurt once.. twice.. a few times.. it's just hard to open up urself to another person again.. what happens if that person hurts me all over again. they say that you need the same amount of time to forget a person as u did to love them.. well.. can't say that it's true to some extent.. thinking about it i did take about a year or so to stop being angry at a certain someone.. to be as nonchalant as i am right now..

seriously.. i do not regret that it ended.. i'm actually glad that it ended the way it did.. or the two of us wouldn't be happy at all and he really isn't the person that i reallly want to be with.. the person i want to be with probably forgot that i even existed.. that's cos he's a big celebrity.. but despite knowng that i still like him u know? cos i really really really feel as though we are really made for each other.. but i don't know.. da lang asked me if i would be really happy if a celebrity proposed to me.. well i wouldn't know really.. if it's a taiwanese one.. i guess i would be happy.. cos asian celebrities are different from western ones.. i guess.. but i wouldn't know.

it's kinda weird how sometimes u just know a person for a few days yet u feel as though u've known them for a long time already.. well i do talk to dalang and bp as though we're like good friends.. but i guess only time would tell. i really don't know what kind of people they really are.. but i still hope that they are good people u know? sighs. my exams are coming.. i should be more concerned about studying instead of all these. i think da lang actually asked me out hypothetically.. cos he said he wanna go out with me when i go back home.. but i just met him.. dunno man.. i'll see first. can't say that i'm not scared bcos i really am.. most likely i would ask pau to go with me.. or fishy.. or just someone.. bp also wanted me to go out with him when i'm back.. sighs..

did i mention that i don't really like to drink coffee? sighs.. bp.. dalang. hey wait.. i realised that no smart people have asked me out.. T.T i attract not so smart ppl.. actually.. i would prefer someone who isn't that smart.. bcos.. love would be more innocent then wouldn't it? heh.. i haven't been someone's first love yet.. but someone was my first love.. how sad is that? actually.. it's kinda good in a way cos i won't have to break the heart of a person who never fell in love before.. a love noob. haha. that's gonna be my term man. love noob. i guess everytime we fall in love we become love noobs. (:

bp apologised to me today for coming back late last night and not being able to talk to me.. sweet huh? he's a nice guy.. i can tell.. but he loves to suan me and be lame.. lol. so fun when i talk to him.. most of the time.. with da lang it's like.. it's nice to talk to him.. but it's a different feeling that i get from him.. i just dunno how to describe it.. i hope that bp gets in poly.. hopefully he would get in..

so what is my lenten sacrifice? i dunno yet.. i can't decrease the amount of time on the comp.. for now i can't fast bcos i'm sick.. when i'm well.. i think i have to fast for the whole week.. mondays are good.. then.. tues.. and..thurs.. and fri maybe? i miss the big stupid.. he hasn't talked to me in a while.. sighs.. actually i think that he is quite handsome and nice.. and we share a lot of similarities.. but.. sighs.. i dunno.. still thinking about bp and dalang. haha. cho bu la ji xiang gu tou. i miss.. well i miss.. everything..

2009-10-27T09:32:00.002+08:00

zomg i just realised that i haven't updated this blog in ages and this is suppose to be my public blog. i think that everyone thinks that this blog is already dead. well.. short update on my life, there is nothing interesting happenning as usual i lead a rather dull life don't u think. i haven't slept for a day lol. don't ask me why i just can't sleep that would be the best reason that i can give u. i hope that my teacher sends me the survey fast so that i can get it over and done with lol.

sooo.. i miss all the people back home as usual. there is nothing that i don't miss.. o wait.. yea there is someone that i won't miss. actually iw as thinking of talk to HIM cos i'm really tired of this not talking and all but that would mean that i'm weak isn't it? cos i was the one that suggested that we shouldn't talk in the first place.. and i promised, but besides that i remembered why i stopped talking to him in the first place. then i don't think i should talk to him anymore. i dunno if he would ever talk to me. i guess that he would never ever talk to me again but i don't mind anyways, cos he wasn't very nice to me in the first place. it's a long complicated story that would take me a whole day to even finish talking about. i don't care about who he's in a relationship with. i'm really over him... which i am happy about.

my annoying room mate is slamming the doors again. it is seriously wigging me out man. phew i just thought that i left my keys in the keyhole again. yes again, cos i done it before. it's pretty bad i guess. if u haven't realised that i like turqoise, u're really slow. i like quite a few colours, then i realised that i might have like certain colours because of him, colours which i normally didn't like in the first place but who cares right. influence on my life. then again doesn't everyone influence ur life in one way or another. i only had one class today. it's annoying to wake up early to go for class-oh wait, i didn't sleep so i can't really say that i woke up early today for class now can i?

i ate spagetti and toast for breaky. it was disgusting. don't even get me started on it. and the worst thing is that i was the one that made it. i say it's the spagetti thought, it taste a bit gross. def not going to eat that kinda of stuff again. gross. so what am i going to do with the spagetti in the fridge? o well i guess i would eat it some other day then. i got my new book which i am very happy about. there is another book that i need to get but then i don't want to buy book no. 13. i hate that number sia. urgh. i like 8. but i won't buy book 8 it would be too late then don't u think so. well i guess i should update other stuff.. heh.

addios.

2009-04-04T21:18:00.002+08:00

i love having a black background sometimes.. it really allows me to use whatever colous i want to.. except for back though. so like.. i'm going out with my bc friends this friday.. i can't wait.. just have to think of where to meet and what to do. i was thinking of like.. taking neoprints, eating.. maybe watch a movie cos i haven't watch a movie with that before.. cos like that time koonlong and ma rui wanted to watch the dark knight but i laredy watched it.. mind u, that show is like damn freaking long. hmm.. this font looks kinda big.. but i think that it would look smaller when i upload this post. i dun think that many people are even reading this blog sia. haha.

i found out that fishy changed her blog.. zomg.. i must be like really slow man. so i'm gonna ask her for her addy when i talk to her. i can't believe that tmr is gonna be palm sunday, time really does fly doesn't it. haha. was suppose to eat dinner with willy today i think.. i think la.. cos like nothing was confirmed. he keeps asking me to go out and do stuff with him.. haha.. actually it's been a really long time since we met up. cos the last time we just went for dinner.. haha.. he hasn't changed much.. in my opinion that is. hmm..

omg.. i can't wait to poke fun at daryl man!! woah! he's bald now.. muahahaha.. let the fun begin man. okies.. i think i'm being damn bad here. next sat i'm going out with my bestie!! really excited.. cos she's my bestie afterall. :DDDDD oh yea.. have to go out with fishy too.. there's like so much things i gotta get now. damn i can't believe that i have driving like.. tmr.. at like 7am. just kill me man. it's damn freaking early. i dun think that my eyes would be opened fully. gotta see when is my next lesson after that. hehe. wonder what a prozac is. ok that was like damn random. think i'm gonna wrap up here. dunno what else to say. au revior.

boredness randomness

2009-04-02T23:29:00.003+08:00

omg.. i can't believe that i'm so freaking free to even blog. gosh... haha.. anyways.. i dun think that much has been going on.. still remember that daryl owes me one outting.. muahahahaha.. yes.. i'm gonna torture him. it's just us.. we always fight with each other.. haha.. but still.. we are super good friends.. we dun like seriously fight.. only like play fight u know. so.. i haven't heard if sam got into the uni yet.. gosh i hopes that she gets in man.. afterall.. seh is my bestie.. whee.. haha.. speaking of which i wanna go out with her again.. there's so many things which i need to buy now which i know she knows why. i'm like so excited for university man. it's like.. woah. haha. i can't wait to go back to school again. and this is coming from someone who hates to wake up in the morning for school. the irony.

so hmm.. i guess there's nothing much to say then. currently i think i'm hooked on that bejeweled game on facebook. haha.. but as with al my othe game addictions.. i give it a onth and it will go off.. haha.. i get bored of games.. cos it's all the same.. there's nothing new.. like.. each level u still gotta do the same stuff and not something different.. and like doing that over and over again just makes me plain bored. so.. i can't believe i didn't go for prom. o wait i can.. cos like practically none of my friends went for it except for lynette.. but.. hmm.. haha.. can't tell u why i regret though.. secret. haha. but i guess it would have been fun to go.. but it might be boring for me cos i dun really know anyone there. besides lynette and her friends.. but like.. u know i dun really like to impose on soeone or make it look like i'm clinging.. cos i'm independent :D it's true. haha.. i'm gemini after all..

still all the astrology thing.. some stuff are true some aren't cos it kinda depends on what time u are born, how full the moon is and where the planets are all, where u face,, it's all really complicated. so.. yupps.. and which day u're orn too.. the year. gosh i sound like a damn blood nerd. :( i dun wanna be a nerd.. haha.. i dun wanna be a pie from chicken run.. okies.. that was like really random. haha.. all the chickens were british.

speaking british. i thnk that british guys have the cutest accent ever. like EVER. haha.. it's so... haha.. it's foreign.. makes u like them more u know.. afterall i dun really like that whole cowboy accent from usa.. it just reminds me of hillbillies in a way.. and my impression of hillbillies.. not too good though.. blame the media man.. haha.. british accent.. mmm... haha. anyways.. getting carried away here. o yea. i watch the confessions of a shopaholic.. maybe that's where the whole british accent thing came in. the male lead has a super hot accent. hehe. he ain't bad looking too. i can't believe that some ppl actually spend that much money on their clothes and stuff.. like so much. i dun reall care too much about designer.. i like my clothes to have a brand name but they don't need to be prada or chanel.. haha.. although.. i still want that chanel bag that lauren conrad has,, it is so freaking nice. enuff said. i should get some rest. got a whole new day ahead of me. muacks.

2009-03-31T23:19:00.003+08:00

i realised that my blog is damn freaking noisy man.. o yea.. i can't believe that i still have time to even blog. there's like so many things going on in my life right now. haha. oh ea.. i forgot topass sam her chocolates. i can be such a forgetful person sometimes. and my teachers think that isn't true but it is.. it's called short term memory. haha. it's not that i don't want to bring my homework sometime u know.. it's just that at that point in time i kinda lose my train of thought and forget what i'm doing. so then.. i won't remember it until it's too late. yupps. like.. i forgot to take my breakfast. this happened so often when i was schooling. i usually take a slice of bread and i leave it on the table. the thing is i have to rmeember to take the slice of bread with me before i go out.

but u see, the thing is i tend to forget that part and rush out the door. until i'm like.. halfway in my journey then i realise that i forgot to take my breakfast. like who wants to forget breakfast man.. seriously. so it's like.. i really forgot to do some stuff and like it's not that i wanted to do it. it just happens and i can't control it. i can't tell my mind like hey.. stop forgetting stuff cos it doesn't work that way. hopefully future teachers would be more understanding. so this means that i need to eat more fish to help me remember stuff better.

i miss talking to my bc friends. there're so far away. the memories they gave me were like unforgettable. hahahahaha. so many fun times. it's like.. we were the only ones in the group that really bonded u know. and we still talk and hopefully go out. haha.. but it's not too possible cos daryl and koonlong are still in ns. haha. the two of them.. are like sugar and coffee.. they go along so well. i just dun really get along with koonlong.. mabe it's cos i dun really know him that well yet and we haven't even spoken a word since we last met. i dunno. it seems kinda awkward to me. but daryl is a whole different story. who else would bug me in the middle of night saying that he couldn't sleep and wants me to talk to him. haha. in that way he is like.. kinda my best friend but at the same time he isn't cos i haven;t know him that long yet. haha. sam and guppy are my besties. guppy.. he's the first guy to be my friend.. if not i have no guy friends man. that would be kinda sad.

speaking of which i haven't talked to him in like the longest time ever. i should do so sometime soon. i have to go out with fishy too.. although we did go out that day to the education fair. haha. but no harm. gotta go out with sam, guppy, daryl and ma rui. DARYL OWES ME ONE OUTTING! haha. he said he would plan a day that we can go out. humph. haha. in the meantime i should think of other stuff i could do. ciao amigos.

2008-12-17T01:07:00.002+08:00

man.. i can't believe that i haven't blogged in like the longest time ever. so a lot of stuff has happened. this is a public blog so i'm not too keen on revealing too much information. haha. well.. first off.. i reconnected with one of my long lost friend from england. loads of stuff has changed since the last time we talked. haha. that was like so long ago. well.. he grew taller.. that i know.. took out his braces and had some piercings and tattoos. yupps.. i still like talking to him.. i remember like the first time i actually heard his voice.. my first thought was.. what a cute accent. haha. but it's true.. y'all know british have a really cute accent.

anyways.. other that have happen. i became closer to my good friend from british council. daryl. haha. he's damn freaking funny. damn freaking funny. hahahaha. and he always suan me. always. first.. it's about be being a guy.. then i tell him that i'm a girl.. and he goes zomg.. you are? i thought u just like cross dressing! haha. he's loads of fun to talk to. damn.. talking about that i miss talking to him already. T.T he's my good friend.

ok.. other friends that i've made... ma rui and koon long. haha. they're awesome. oh.. i forgot about ashley. he's so full of crap sometimes. he loves to play tricks on me. he LOVES it. haha. but he always sleeps in class.. so who wakes him up? your truely.. haha.

other stuff? i dunno. i din go for prom and missed out on talking to my eyecandy. but i'm over him already. eyecandy... mmm.. haha. got a haircut and a nephew. haha. sighs... i'm tired.. haha.. will blog when i wanna.. (:

alr

2008-07-20T02:30:00.001+08:00

u know i think that it's kinda funny.. just after i logged on i saw the featured question about how to accept rejection from the one u love.. well.. i went thru a few answers and thought that what solarhead said was really.. well.. wise in a way. i haven't thought about it that way before.. but i guess that thing has been trying to tell me the same thing to.. like when it's time to give up.. just give up. there's no use going on cos it'll only cause hurt to urself. it's not going to hurt the other person bcos they dun care about u already. i thought u might wonder what his response was. so here is solarhead's response

How would you accept rejection from the person you love?

wow

I know a little something about this one.

Let it go. If there's nothing there, attachments/feelings not reciprocated, then there's no reason to continue with it ... only misery and paranoia grow in that garden.

Lighten up. Perhaps it'll prove itself to be for the Best. the Intended could turn out to be a whack-job or just a bad match, obscured by infatuation.

Walk Away. You'll never find what's waiting around the corner unless you actually walk far enough away to make the turn that leads to the rrest of Your Life.

PAX
http://www.xanga.com/Solarhead/666728480/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html

pretty deep hur? i think it would help me outta this sticky situation that i'm in.
i thought that this guy's response was also pretty good..
http://weblog.xanga.com/marksonwalls/666727479/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
u all should go check it out. haha.
some other responses that were wuite intriguiing
http://weblog.xanga.com/poeticarla/666722911/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
http://www.xanga.com/mijau/666717614/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
http://weblog.xanga.com/Southeast_Beauty/
666700548/how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
http://www.xanga.com/CARLOSISTHEGREATEST/666686059/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html

and the ultimate answer goes to this guy...
http://weblog.xanga.com/boldntrue/666702850/
how-would-you-accept-rejection-from-the-person-you-love.html
it's like wow... it's liek how the old saying goes.. "if u love someone, let them go, if they come back to u, they are forever yours, if they don't, they never were." it's so true.

take ur mark

2008-07-08T21:23:00.000+08:00

wow.. it seems like just yesterday the comps just started, but now it's all over. well.. for me it is though. i guess.. i'm gonna miss it. this was my first time getting into the finals and it's like havoc there. we have the retards cheering for their school, the act cutes, the tyrants, the...clumbsy.. haha. guess u won't figure that one out. unless u already know about retards incorporated. haha. gonna miss trainings. hopefully i can still go down to train though. i cna't bear the thought of me gaining weight after i stop my training. i wanna be thin! haha. there were some obnoxious ppl that sat in my skool's place today and they din even bother to move even though they knew they were sitting where they weren't suppose to. i glared at them but apparently they din get the msg. so wols. haha. so disappointing though.. cos i really like that skool.. but their boys.. sighs. and one of them was really really hot but i guess he's already taken. i can't find a good looking guy that's not already taken. haha... dun think that i'm that attractive anyways.

although.. thong thinks that i am.. dunno la he.. already have a girl still go and say other girls pretty. but it's nice to know that i am though. haha. wish that some guy asked me out.. they are all so hot... well.. most of them.. and they are all swimmers.. haha. swimmers are cool. that's a fact. haha. we exercise every muscle in our body when we swim..hehe. i was damn nervous today actually. cos i kept counting my strokes but they were like all irregular. haha. it's suppose to be 5 strokes for five metres.. but sometimes it was like 5.5 or 6 or 5.. it was so confusing.. but i just stuck to five.. and kicked like mad. so we took off 8secs from out timing. i guess it's kinda cool that we actually got in the finals. would have gotten in for the free relay but we got dq. so sad.. we were sixth for that. but bygones are bygones. haha. so we jsut got 8th for the medley. this year it's quite good cos we got like 10 points for our skool. which is really good. if we continue having the coach.. i'm really sure next year there would be more peeps in the finals.. provided everyone goes for training.

well.. before my event.. i was really thirsty so i asked this girl if i could have some water and she said yea.. she's so nice.. haha.. i should have brought my water.. dunno.. weird craving for water.. haha

i'm so happy.. i can finally take my soft drinks and a bit of chilli!!!!!!!!! whee!!!! it's been weeks since i last had a soft drink and today i got a taste of it again and man did it feel good. so how did my other events go? well... dead last.. haha. so sad right? but i got a new pb. that's personal best! i bet my own record. like... hmm.. for free.. i beat it by.. 6secs.. for back it's like 2 secs.. cos my previous one was like.. 50secs.. which was really slow. i'm happy yea.. and the 100m is the most amazing one.. guess how much? haha.. hmm.. 12secs! wheeeeeeeeeeeee! haha. i'm happy really. at least i got a taste of what it was like to be in the finals and i thank God for the great opportunity. yupps. feel like watching a movie.. soon. there's some gathering tmr.. swim team is more bonded. so happy. just a question.. who's gonna be the next captain? hard choice. haha, the most likely one we can't pick. so.. it's just kinda hard. feels kinda sad to say bye to my cca.. i'll miss it so much.. haha. well.. i wish them all the best! yea.. happy memories...

2008-06-29T00:16:00.000+08:00

so this is what happened. i screwed my mid terms. well screw it. enuff said. so i was picking out songs for my comp. unlike most ppl, i'm driven by music and emotion. that means, the angrier i am, the faster i swim. haha. most people want all the serene thing, but for me it just doesn't work that way cos i'm different. how i block out ppl? well i'm thinking of a song. i hope i dun forget to count my strokes. remember the flags. i think of something that would really make my blood boil. not telling wad.. and it does work. i can't meditate.. i have an attention prob or i would think so. music just helps me stay focused i guess.

screw exams. they are just a way to show u how stupid u are. so screw them. whoever came up with exam sure knows how to torture people. sometimes u wish that u could go back in time and just punch the person who create something that made everyone's life difficult. like.. math. urgh. i hate math. it's like a stupid subject u know.. wow like i'm gonna use integration in my job. that's why i picked a job which i dun have to use math. duh. even if it does, it would just be a minimal. i wouldn't need to use integration or vectors or any of those shit. haha.

so my song list. it's a bit different from wad ppl expect a girl to listen to. but i guess that sum 41 is quite good. nice rhythm i guess.. it's jumpy and gets me into the mood of the comp. really motivational. yea sum 41.. of course i won't forget the other great bands like new found glory and matchbook romance, not forgetting everyone's favourite, boys like girls. whoa! yea man. oh o forgot aboutlinkin park. that is like a adamn cool band. i wanna feel, i wanna feel... somewhere i belong! whoa! haha..

actually i'm kinda sad that i missed their concert.. haha.. at that time i din wanna go for it. i dun even know that band members' names.. i just like their music. like how i like daughtry. and how i dislike avril. she is just so.. eww.. can't believe it. still i can't believe that the comps are like... next week. it's too soon. i feel so unprepared but i'll give it my all. haha. besides i get excused from class. so i have to tell my friend to help me collect my work. and my other friends to help me take down notes and stuff. guess this is a short post then. nothing to write about. screw exams. haha.

2008-06-03T21:19:00.001+08:00

i feel quite satisfied with myself u know.. i heard the song "we belong together" and i din even feel sad one bit. there's always something to talk about right? haha.. i guess so.. like stuff that happens during cca.. every week is like something new.. i think i would most prob be going out with the guys to eat.. undivided attention.. haha.. just kidding.. the guys just treat me like one of them

i'm like serious.. they talk about their......... even though i'm arond and it's like kidna gross.. at least they're are a nice bunch of ppl.. haha. i can't imagine if i'm the only girl there again.. what more.. mandy is here.. man.. i really dun wanna go.. but i hvae to.. if it's just me then... i dunno.. note to self.. please bring book to take down ppl's names who haven't paid me the fees yet. i'm quite glad that the school is actually very supportive of swimming.. yea man... i think that things would be a lot better in the future... imagine... in the years to come we could even beat the top three colleges that dominate swimming. we'll just have to start slow and steady.

so today i went to watch narnia. i tell u that show is freaking good. if i could i would go and watch it again.. it's so freaking good. haha.. i'll buy the vcd or dvd.. depends on whether i get a dvd player.. cos there's only a vcd player.. sucky i know. but i guess that it's good enough. haha. i feel damn tired man.. i think i'm gonna turn in early today.. after i finish my chem homework... damn i still have maths.. my maths teacher is such a freaking ***** u know... i can't stand her at all.. grrr... at least doing my work now would be like revision for my block tests.. haha.. yea.. so i should just do it and hand it to her and sit back and relax for the block test. but i wonder if i could negotiate with her.. that i hand it up to her after block test so that i have time to look thru them.. i dunno.. she's like so.. argh.. damn. why her....

i'm happy with the progress that i've made.. ut that doesn't mean tha t i'll stop being emo.. being emo is a part of me.. telling me not to be emo is like telling a singer not to sing.. yea.. guess i should hit the book right? yea.. i'll go make the deal with my teach soon.

whever u're ready

2008-06-03T20:54:00.000+08:00

whenever u're ready
whenever u're fine
we could do it again
just u and i
it'll be just like old times
only old times weren't that good
we'll do things differently
just u and i
to run on the beach
or sit beneath the stars
from watching movies
to walking endlessly
we could do it again
all over again
just u and me
whenever u're ready
with nothing to lose
and everything to look forward to
just one more time
let we do it again
just u and i
that's they way it is...

copyright of imaginary-space,blogpsot.com (2008)

2008-06-01T00:34:00.001+08:00

hehe.. look at my picture... i made that ok.. it's special just like me.. so the thing that i like most about it is the leaves and what seems to be rain.. haha.. kinda describes how i feel u know.. kinda rainy..

my art.. love it

2008-05-31T01:44:00.000+08:00

sighs.. i'm like damn tired now.. after a gruelling training. at least i know why i'm going for it.. gotta be prepared for the comps coming up.. i managed to do my kick properly this time.. now i can't get my pull right.. which really sucks cos i need both to do well.. and there's a competition my my bday.. like wth.. i actually din want to go.. but then if i din go then the guys won't celebrate my bday.. haha.. so in a way i was forced to go.. o wells, it is better than going for regular training. damn tired.

just a random conversation.. i was kfc the other time and this was what happened..
me: can i have a fish zinger meal please?
cashier: fish zinger meal... *looks for keys and presses it, stares for 10 secs then asks"
u want the burger only or the meal?
me: ???? *confused* fish zinger meal???

so lame.. seriously.. i said fish zinger meal.. duh it's a meal.. why in the world would i say meal if i wanted the burger only? like hello? use ur brain a little more. tsk. ppl who work at fast food joints theese day... disappointing. can't tell the difference between a burger and meal.. haha.. ok i'll stop.. i sound kinda mean now.
but that's not the point of why i'm here now. actually i wanted to write something..

2008-05-19T21:02:00.001+08:00

i went shopping with sarah today.. i think i bought very little stuff.. haha.. i bought a few ear rings.. and a charm bracelet and .. a top from zara... i love my zara top.. it makes me look good.. haha. actually i wanted to get this top from max and more but it was too ex for me.. but i like it still.. i guess i'll just have to wait for the sale to come.. shopping with sarah is kinda queit cos i dun really know her that well.. but hopefully we'll get to know each other better.. haha.. then going out would be more fun.. but i prefer going out with sam.. cos sam is my bestie.. haha... and like i can talk to her about anything.. like guppy.. my other bestie.. haha.. i wished sam stayed in my skool instead of changing skools.. sighs.. miss her man.. cos if she din move then we'll be in the sam class..

i feel so freaking broke.. there was like this dress i really wanted to get but i was like short of five bucks.. note to self, dun buy starbucks when shopping.. it'll make me go broke. well there was this shirt from zara that i used to want but i decided no to get it cos i dun find any point in buying a top which needs me to wear something else inside.. it's like.. what's the point man? the weather is so hot.. i dun think that i would be willing to wear double layer.. it's.. not great.. haha. on the bright side, i bought a new pencil pouch, it's midnight blue with stars all over it.. it looks really good though.. but it just holds like half of what my previous one did.. o well.. i needed a new one. i need to go shopping again.. gotta get more clothes.. i feel as though i have a shortage of clothes. i wanna have a change in wordrobe too.. besides, i'm gonna get my sis's dresser soon.. muahahaha.. sos then i would have loads of space for my things.. i feel that my old cupboard is just a lil small.. i guess i should start wearing the clothes that i seldom wear, like my sammuel and kevin tank.. i had no idea how to wear it.. but i guess i would wear it for sam's party if she's gonna have one this year..

went to borders today.. a lot of books and i'm gonna buy the new issue of girlfriend. it's a great mag to read although i can't really buy the clothes... but the articles are really good and it helps with girl stuff. i saw this butch today too.. man.. she's damn handsome.. haha.. i'm serious. dun worry i'm straight.. i feel like being a butch too.. but can't make it.. all i can get is the haircut.. which reminds me.. i really need a haircut. my legs hurt after all that walking and i was wearing flats.. haha.. oh i'm happy too.. cos i'm slightly more than 5'6.. yea i know.. kinda tall.. but i hope i'll be able to get a guy who is taller than me.. at least 5cm taller. haha. height is important u know.. hmm.. i drank the caramel frap at starbucks.. my comments? well.. it's definately better than the one in coffee bean.. but i must admit, coffeebean does have a lot more choices.. at least i could choose the blackforest one.. that is nice.. haha. i think i'll go buy more files some time soon... i like my new files.. they are super cute.. i'll try to take pics.. haha. no i have better things to do.. but just wanna show it to u.

i hope my comps would be at the sports skool this year.. it's near innova and i wanna meet the hot ang moh guy there.. yea.. he's damn hot.. i saw him once.. i can still remember.. he's blond, with shaggy hair.. haha.. tall too.. haha. well.. if i could have him as my bf i think i would be like.. really really happy.. feeling as though i'm on the top of the world. i feel like they treat girls so much better than normal guys.. they're like so loving.. haha.. and they speak english.. very important.. cos i dun like guys who speak chinese.. cos i dun freaking understand what they're talking about.. my chinese i really bad.. haha.. i like my ear studs.. they look really cute.. i think i would buy more stuff from pandora's box.. the place has really nice stuff.. when i'm less broke and more free i'll go there. and i wanna buy clothes from max and more too.. yea.. i'm sooo gonna pull sam along with me.. muahahaha..

man.. i haven't talked to josh in like ages.. miss talking to him.. my emo friend.. haha.. he's ncie to talk to.. guess he's busy.. dun think i should disturb him by sms-ing him too.. let him go do his project.. he'll do well.. he always does.. smart kid.. pity he won't be taking math anymore.. if not he could so help me out with my math.. which reminds me.. i so have to go out with him during the holz.. i haven't went out with him for like ever.. nice kid.. great friend too.. haha.. i'm comtemplating whether i should watch kung fu PANDA... yea.. cos of that word.. and i saw panda ear rings today too.. man.... why panda.... just kill me... sam... T.T it's a small world.. my bestie is the k1 bestie of my good frind in skool.. haha.. can't believe it man.. hopefully she'll be going for math tmr.. it's the last one anyway. i guess is hould be getting down to doing work.. i'm gonna study on staurday i think.. haha.. i'll study if sam studies with me.. cos i'm just easily distracted.. haha. i wanna buy clothes.. T.T yea.. i better go now.. haha..

look up at the sky
can u see the stars
see the words
"i love you"
written among them
if u can't
then i'll tell u
"i love u"

2008-05-14T21:41:00.002+08:00

sighs.. i seriously dun wanna think about him u know.. serious.. i'm just sick of evrything already. just tired. he can just go and rot and i wouldn't give a damn about him. no more. no more. i've had enough. i dun even find that it's worth it anymore to continue what i'm doing. i already know that i would not succeed. why waste all my time on this one person? i could spent it on people that actually deserve this.. like the deaf kid in thailand that i miss so much. i'm just so attached to him.. he's such a sweet little boy.. so loving and caring despite having a disability. he'll grow up to be a fine young man. it's just so great to know that he has a family that cares for him too.. and that he's not abandoned.

going back to the story. why did i finally choose to give up on him? well.. cos i really feel so frustrated. ler's just face it, he won't even talk to me so why do i even bother. i dunno. i shouldn't. i just hope that i won't see his face for the whole of tmr.. that would really make my day u know.. tmr is gonna such a day man... so many lessons. i have to complete my physics too. since i can't turn to him anymore.. for help with my subs.. not that i have ever turned to him for help.. but i was intending to till this. so yea.. thanks for nothing man. continue doing what u're doing. see if i care. cos i dun care. i repeat.. IDC! i just can't wait to not like someone already. i've been anticipating this day for like ever. it feels really great to not like anyone.. i know.. cos i experienced it.. let's recap shall we?

the first.. he was a nice guy.. but at that time both of us weren't ready, so we fell out beofre we started. the second was a complete asswipe. player might i add. and that's it. haha.. my sad life right?

so i had a jogathon today.. i seriously think that a walkathon would be better at least.. everyone wouldn't be tso tired. man i am tired. i din tired running cos i know i've had worse.. but my muscles have started to contract since my trainings so i have to be extra careful when exercising cos i might get cramps. they are super painful too. like really really unbearable. it makes me goes to my knees. so what else can i talk about here? well.. i could mention that there were like only 9 ppl who turned up for class cos most ppl went to help out. why din i want to help out? easy.. i dun wanna go for briefings or stay back for the review thing.

well.. i could have ran the whole 3.2km non stop.. it would have been no kick.. after what my trainings are like.. this is nothing.. running for 3.2 would NEVER be as tiring as swimming for the same distince.. cos air resistance is like so little compared to water. haha. anywyas.. i think that i might have lost weight so that's kinda good i guess. i'm not in any way attached to my class at all.. i'm not bothered with them.. i'm just an individual.. i dun have to care about them.. neither am i influence by them or wanna be a part of them.i'm just kidna disinterested. by the way.. one of my classmates actually took my sgc and like copied points from it but just "rephrased" them. not that i'm selfish or anything but.. it's just not right. i'm not gonna let her copy it anymore.. cos she lying about herself and she's PLAGARISING! i can sue her. haha.. kidding.. i won't sue her.. but i'm not gonna let her copy any of my stuff cos she ahs to do this on HER OWN and not use my points and pass them off as her own. it's just insulting rather than complimenting.

bcos she copied my points her sgc tripled in number of words. which is a lot mind u. yea i'm still kinda pissed with her.dun wanna sit near her now.. haha.. man.. i feel super bad..

2008-05-07T23:02:00.001+08:00

woah man.. i'm like super tired now.. even though i din really do much for training.. but what coach said was right.. i do have a better chance at the 100m back as compared to the 50m. haha.. if i din swim sideways i guess my timing would be better. i know i wanna sleep earlier but i'm not too sure if i can get thru sleeping without blogging.. besides.. i'm so tired i could sleep almost everywhere.

there's nothing much to talk about today.. i guess what i do to forget him is to remember aly and aj.. "u're not getting till u're getting.. getting to me.." so i remind myself.. i would not let some punk like him get to me... besides.. i have somewhere else to focus my attention to. u know.. i know who eyecandy likes.. and it's not me.. though i think he's just pulling my leg i'm still not too sure.. yesterday i was so wishing that i would not see him for the whole day bcos i was still super pissed off at him for constantly not replying what i say i msn.. and he din even say bye to me before he left.. talk about rude.. haha.. so i was really angry.. i din even want to look at him

when i went to skool it's was like.. oh please dun let me see him please dun let me see him.. hopefully his duty was not today. fat hope man! i saw him in the walkway and i could almost bang my head against the pillar for that.. my response in my head was like "oh freak! &#^#$%^" haha.. yea.. then it was pe first period. sighs.. i was hoping not to see him again.. he has the same pe slot as me for tues btw. haha. so then after i changed and went to the bball court, i found out that my class was excused from pe for that day.. we just had to do make up for it the next day. on my way back to where i left my bags.. i almost bumped into him as he came out of the toilet.. it was like a zomg moment.. haha. really.. we nearly knocked into each other but i din even look at him. i guess he might have known that i was a bit mad. sometimes i speak with my eyes, but as easy as i can express emotion through them i can also hide emotions.

and it jsut so happen that after pe was chem.. so i saw him again for chem.. he sits in the fiirst row i have to pass him by everytime i go for lectures. luckily my friend was with me so i could act busy and completely ignore him again. i really hoped that he din think that i have feelings for him.. so he saw me.. but he put his head down.. i glanced so i knew. haha. yea.. then after was geog.. whopee.. how fun.. i see him four times on tuesdays.. normally i would be filled with glee but this time i was filled with frustration i guess.. haha. so i saw him for geog.. i could nearly die.. actually.. i see him quite a lot on tuesday.

skip to when skool ended.. i had night lessons so i had to stay behind in skool. then i saw him AGAIN. this time he was buying food by himself. i was so pissed that i turned up the volume of my mp3 player. i hoped so much that he won't sit beside me but he still did... zomg.. torture. that's when it came.. "hey amelia, i'm sorry about yesterday, i was really busy..." that's all i needed.. at least he knew how to apologise.. unlike some ppl that i knew. anyways.. i just forgot about it i gues.. and we just talked. haha.. he's so poor thing.. ated such a frugal meal.. and had to eat white rice onl y towards the end. it's was heartbreaking la.. haha. so i saw him once more for night lessons. haha.. lucky me.. he sat behind me.. how nice.. haha.. still i guess i quite like him.. i'll just see how it goes..

2008-05-04T00:45:00.002+08:00

omg.. i can't believe that it's going to be phototaking on monday.. i hope that i'll look good on that day.. it's an extremel important day for me.. haha.. ben doesn't want to talk to me.. i dunno why.. haha.. maybe the scandal is getting to his head.. it's just a scandal, all lies and no truth. haha. to be honest.. he and i are just friends.. cos i know him for a longer time as compared to everyone else in class.. i would tend to like.. talk to him more or ask him stuff cos it's more comfortable for me. haha.. and just went for confirmation camp once. haha.. so.. i guess that i know him for like... 3 years? same as guppy. three years. but i'm closer to guppy.. cos he's was in the same group as me. haha. all those fun times. haha.. and that skid we put up.. it was like super funny.

my acting career.. haha.. there's not much.. only that i acted for my campfire and lit play back in sec skool. haha. that's about it. wa.. i had like this damn good dream last night. i dreamt that i met my dream guy. literally. haha. it's different from the one that i like.. it's totally different. i remember that he wears converse shoe and he likes the same kind of music as me. and i'm like.. at his shoulder height.. wa... damn nice la. he may not be the best looking guy on earth but he's still good enough for me. and in my dream there was this funfair too.. haha.. the ferris wheel were composed of coconut tree.. basically it's a coconut tree with a ring around it. it's kinda weird but true. and dun get me wrong it was in a city. and he would like say the nicest thing to me.

i remember in particular that he made me smile and hold it there for like.. haha.. a minute. it's damn funny. then he told me that he like to hear me smile and i asked how is it possible to hear a smile.. and he.. well he smiled and kissed my ear.. awws right? haha. damn sweet. i just really like the way he would hold my shoulders and like rib up and down.. dunno why. haha. and that scene was at like.. j8.. haha. i really hope that i would meet someone like him.. that somewhere in this great bid world, he exists. yea.. and he likes giving me pecks on my cheek.. wa... damn nice and sweet.. sweeter than sugar or honey.

then, there was this scene where he and i were walking along a pavement.. it seem to be at j8 still.. but then he walked too fast and left me behind. i thought that i saw him going into long john's and i follwed but i couldn't find him there at all. so i just sat at this table by myself. so asd right. suddently that part turns into a bus and i touring the fair for free, somehow some of my clasmates were on the same ride too and we saw some animals and all. then it became evening so i checked my phone and realised that he had called me 8 times.. haha.. and i felt super bad.. so i called him.. and he was like.. asking me where i was and he sounded damn worried. damn nice right? haha. and the i told him i was at the coconut ferris wheel at the fair. and turned around and i saw him and he just came up to me and hugged me. real tightly too.. and he said "i was worried. please dun go off like that again.." aww... haha. oh did i mentioned that he was wearing a black tee and jeans.. and he sorta had spiked hair. haha. but it was just really sweet. another peck on the cheek. ha. and we just held hands and walked down the pavement thru the fair.. and the lights and stars.. and we said the same thing.. like how we wanna sit in a field and just watch the stars.. and i rested my head on his chest and we just laid there enjoying each other's prescence.

as to how i met him.. well.. it was after a concert and i dunno.. he just caught my eye. and i saw him walking back after the concert.. we just talked.. although it was awlward at first.. it soon became all right and the relationship just happened.. he just held my hand and that was it. haha. it's really nice. and i really din want to wake up from my dream. wouldn't it be great to have someone like him for a bf? sighs... i really hope that there's a guy who is just like him.. suprisingly, he not an angmoh.. just an ordinary singaporean.. who prefers to speak english. haha.. such a sweet guy.. sighs.. i shall go and dream again.. see if i can dream about him once more.. haha

2008-04-30T21:18:00.001+08:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it.
They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I love.

so my friend did me a favour, found out that they've fallen out. although i felt relieved to hear it... but i guess i'm not happy about it, neither am i sad. why? i'm not happy cos i'm not a sadistic person, at least he knows a bit of how it was like to be in my shoes. still, i'm not sad for him, cause i dun see the point. he isn't much to me anymore. just no one. he's already removed me from his life, so what's the point feeling sad for him? moral of the story? dun cheat on ur girl. it has like.. bad karma for u. hmm.. how sam feels about this.. well.. i dun think i would say. haha. but i'm hoping that josh would be online cos i wanna talk to josh. haha... i dunno why.. josh is just kinda nice to talk to.. can talk to him about anything i guess.. but i still like talking to guppy better.. my friend of.. *counts* 3 years. haha. i haven't talked to starfish for a long time. i wonder how she is. her prez is still with me.. and i really wanna give it to her. she's just such a nice person.

i know this is kinda early but i wanna make gingerbread cookies for christmas. but i think i need another packet. so that's like 30 gingerbread cookies. yummy right? and i'll give some sweets too. i gotta remember.. ryan's bday is coming up.. ^.^ my childhood friend. haha. he's gonna be 18.. like me.. he's older than me. and he's crazy and random like me.. but we can't go la.. it's just really wrong.so i talked to him about getting an ipod today.. haha.. i like the square ipod bcos it's kinda cute. and i hope there's an ipod that comes in orange.. cos i think orange is a really nice colour for an ipod.. i think dark metallic blue might look nice too.. i guess i just like kinda odd colours. but i dun mind the pink one, just that sam has the exact same on. still i dun think that i need 8gb.. i think about 5 should fit everything... i have... hmm.. 700+ songs, but i dun even listen to all of them. i dun even listen to some of them, just have them.

hey gupps, do u still remember penguin? haha. i remember man.. those days... and then my toy penguin, given by josh. it's so cute. haha. sadly, i dun like penguin as more than a friend. mind u, penguin and josh are two completely different people in every way. yesterday, i was emoing.. loner asked why.. and i just said i'm an emo kid. and he asked what emo meant to me. so i told him.. well emo is emo.. there's no way u can define it. it's just like taking a sudden plunge in emotions and thinking about stuff that u shouldn't, how things would have been like if something somthing something.. u know.. haha.. i think i feel kinda bad for being kinda anti-social towards him cos he's still really nice to me.. but i really needed my space and i needed to shut him out too. then i saw him. my eyecandy. and i became even sadder cos i knew that he saw me. and then he just pretend that he din even see me.

i was so hurt.. sighs.. i really like him.. i hope that he doesn't think loner and i are together.. i think i'll be driven insane by loner if he were to be my bf.. and i know that i have better taste than that.. he's just not the guy for me.. our differences only allows us to be friends and nothing more.. i wanna be with eyecandy.. sighs.. then i was emoing until i nearly cried over this. sighs. i think i've sighed a lot. but that's really how i feel.. kinda depressed. as a result i couldn't really concenntrate during my maths lesson.. i was thinking about him.. and feeling sad. then today i saw again. i was about to say hi then he suddenly looked down. and i guess i felt kinda sad... maybe he's backing off or something... wa lao.. this time i'm in really deep soup.. loner's not to blamed i guess.. but at least he was around so i could did next to him.. someone that i know... sighs.. my eyecandy.. dun give up.. T.T

2008-04-29T14:31:00.002+08:00

damn, is uppose to write some personal statement and i have no freaking idea what to write about. normally i'm quite a good writer, and i can think about stuff to write about. but when it comes to writting things about myself, i'm not too sure anymore. sighs. unlike other people i dun believe in the idea of selling myself to others, it just seems so fake. i just can't make myself sound good when i'm just like everyone else. ok ok.. so i'm not like everyone else, i'm just a little more special cos i'm kinda random and stuff.. haha. still, i can't come up with anything to write about. it jsut seems as though my life is really as dull as it is.. when it's not. hard to understand but that's just the way it is, i'm just complicated. haha. instead of spending my time writting my personal statement, here i am on the computer blogging about how i can't possibly write one. great. just great. i realised that i used the word just a lot. maybe i'm not using it right. i dunno.

u know what's the strange part, in school i can type really fast but at home i type like some freaking snail.. haha.. maybe it's cos of different key boards. i want a wrist rest thing for the keyboard here. it hurts my hands to type so much at one go. but o well.. i dun have much time to do it anyway. later there'll be some meet the student leaders session. joy joy. haha. i think i might actually have enough courage to go up and make a suggestion this time, although i think that my suggestion isn't much. but it's still one right? hopefully, they'll take it to account. i guess i'll just write a lil bit more before i decide to end off.

mi have this weird feeling that she left him for someone else. it's so expected please. it's like, he throws away someone who he has a chance of being in a real realationship with, and which will work out, for someone who is just kinda unreal. i mean, they are not only in different countries, they are always different in age. she's like 3 years younger than him but i'm the same age as him and he'd still rather choose to be with her. and what happens? she found a better guy. it's so expected really. if only he just treasure what he had. i guess some ppl never learn... sighs.

2008-04-27T00:00:00.000+08:00

sighs.. so many things went on this week.. so many.. i feel.. i'm exhausted.. physically and metally. suffering from a saturation of information in my head.

i was just on my school's forum and i thnk i really did talk a lot of crap. it's like.. a lot of criticism, but it's constructive. u know.. like how i ask about why the school wants to build a new cantenn that can't even protect ppl from the rain. can u imagine eating halfway and it rains, raindrops enter ur food. talk about gross. i hope the sc would like just review it. haha. so this week is really tiring although i din have maths on tues.. so it wasn't as bad as the other days. still training nearly killed me. the plus side is that i've lost weight and gain more muscle.. yea.. i'm macho.. haha.. think i should be like a butch then. hmm.. maybe i would cut my hair really short and gel it up again.. so man. haha. i'm straight just in case u din know.

so this whloe week... i din think that i even said hi to him or neither did he to me. he's always busy and doesn't have time. i believe him.. cos he's in the exco of sc.. so i suppose that it's a job that eats into one's personal time. i recently discovered that my typing speed might have slowed down already. hopefully i would be able to speed it up a bit. omigosh, u won't believe how many J1s are hogging the computers in the comp lab.. it's like a lot. like hello? i wanna use too.. and dun u guys like something called a computer at home? talking about computers... i think i wanna buy a one gig thumbdrive.. haha.. then i can all my junk in it.. muahahaha. i dun think i have that much junk though.. ok.. maybe two gig would be sufficient. i guess. hopefully i have enough money for it.. i'm just kinda broke now.. partly cos i spent some of it at coffeebean.. buying the blackforest.. wa.. it's really effective.. i dun as tired as i was. but i am still tired and i am still able to sleep thru the night.

on monday there was a firedrill.. apparently. it's was some sort of electrical trip that caused it. and u know what? they took like half an hour to find out.. and it was so lame. so u can consider it a somewhat prank bcos it's not a real fire and like the vp said.. all of us would have died if it was a real fire. haha. think about it, even the teacher told us to stay in class despite the drill.. so yea.. that's why we would die. i've noticed something, for every school i've been to, the priciapal has been changed once and that's during my graduating year. haha... it's kinda cool though. of course fishy would feel the same too cos we've been in the same skool for 12 years now.. but we're still not best friends.. haha.. just good friends. i was listening to michael learns to rock and perhaps i like the music that they make.

on my way to novena today, i heard this blind man singing outside the mrt station and i was like.. awww... cos the song he sang was really sweet. it's by the beegees, called "words", i think if a guy sang that to me.. like guitar boy.. i would like.. fall head over heels la.. haha.. it's just a really really nice and touching song. hmm.. maybe i'm just an old school girl cos i still like some oldies.. it's just so.. AWWW.. u know what i mean.. it always makes u wish that u were with ur special someone at that point in time. did i mention that i like westlife too? well it's just kinda sad that bryan left but i guess he was just doing what was best for his family. so i guess he's a good guy and dad. u know what would be the most ironic thing to happen to me? that's when i get married to the ct rep.. haha.. it's been an ongoing scandal, but i'm serious he and i are just friends and we're most probably stay like that for a long long time. haha. but if anything happens.. let's just say both our lives would become a roller coaster ride.

almost everyday i see this hot ang moh guy at yishun met, but it's just so sad that he's from innova.. now i really wish that i went innova.. there're at least 3 angmoh guys there i'm very sure of it.. man.. imagine my chances of dating them.. haha.. of course not all of them.. just one is enough.. i'm not a player like other ppl.

i was so super pissed off at skool yesterday. i really wanted to punch this STUPID OBNOXIOS EGOCENTRIC soccer boy in my class. all i did was sat under the fan and i din freaking know that it was his place. stupis a-hole. comes and says in this annoyed and rude tone "why are u here" it's like.. this seat isn't yours, just put ur bag in on the table and sit beside ur seat first la.. talk until so rude. so where did i take out my anger? at swimming, that's why my arms hurt, i was punching water. i went back to the fan at my place and his STUPID AIRHEAD friend can still ask why i stand there. it's like USE UR FREAKING BRAINS! i'm trying to cool down bcos of the heat what's ur freaking problem, u think u're damn good looking that i would want to look at you? peh! i have my standards, and that is i will NEVER like any guy from my class. NEVER! they're all jerks. i have my standards too. and that stupid soccer guy thinks i like him which is total crap cos i couldn't hate it anymore even if i wanted to. i see his face and i will trample all over it make ihim disfigured. i'm super pissed at him. arghs.

2008-04-19T00:34:00.003+08:00

so i've finally decided to bring this blog to life after much deliberation. well.. a lot of stuff has happened, friendships lost and remade, love comes and goes, hearts broken now and then. still life goes on and u gotta move on no matter what.
like the old saying goes, if it's urs, it'll come back to u. if not then it never was. i went for my sec skool's band concert today. i must say i'm not used to the whole environment despite me being one fo them once. but it's so different now.. more rowdy and loud, like a bunch of hooligans.

i absolutely love daughtry!!! if they come here i'll scream really loud outta excitement. or if the jonas brothers come.. the same thing would happen too. so what shall i alk about? afterall, this blog is public now...some things i can't talk about. damn tired. super tired. i slept in class.. i've got a way of tricking teachers in thinking that i'm not sleeping. haha. so they dun say anything. quantum is hard, i can't really get it but in time i would although time is not of the esscence now. my thumb hurts a lot now and i dunno why too.. it's like i injured the joint or something.

today in skool, my chair disappeared again. freaking J1s rearranged them and the table will be gone now cos my friend took it, someone took hers. it's kinda sad u know.. that we're short of tables and chair. next week is yet another hectic week. well my comments for the concert, it was good but not as good as the others before it. must admit i was a little disappointed cos i expected it to be longer and more lively.. but i guess sometimes the wrong choices are made, not intentionally but it was still good. the words are really big.

this new shampoo that i'm using si really changing my hair.. but i guess without the humility it would be better. man i'm tired. i think this is the dunno which time that i've mentioned it already. i should prob link my friends but i forgot all their link cos i was like cooped up in a batcave only concerned with updating my private blog so some stuff are lost. it's kinda weird that i keep on mentioning how tired i am but i'm not going to sleep. i still have the drink from coffee bean to finish. i have a language test on monday.. how boring and dull.. i think it's paper 2. so gosh i'm so gonna die. not to mention i'm suppose to do my work too.. i think i forgot what homewoek i'm suppose to do. o wait i just remembered it. math, english, chem, remainder of physics and geog. yea i'm so dead. and i din do some of my chem stuff that was like.. dated a long time ago so hopefully i'll be able to do them by the weekend. actually my english homework is only due on tuesday so i guess i can delay that a bit. tuesday is sorta like a lecture day i think.. or was it suppose to be wed.. yea.. maybe wed..

i have to remember to write my sgc thing.. before i forget.. a lot of stuff i have to include.. like leadership stuff.. can u believe that i was a leader for a group on one of the cip activities? i feel like dancing... but my parents dun allow me to.. actually.. i think i won't want my butt to be so big too.. my friend and i noticed that dancers' butt are particualrly rounded... not that it's bad.. it's great cos it shows u're not flat. i guess i dun have much to write for this blog. guodong said hi to me.. suprise suprise.. thought he would dao me again. so i said hi. and maths was hard.. i think all my answers are wrong but i won't know till mon oe tues. and i gonna get back my ma th test on mon.. hopfully i'll pass it.. i haven't been passing math. luckily for night lessons, i think i might actually make it.. i hope i can get an A for it.. just have to work like really hard. tired again. >.< i guess i'll go and sleep soon.. after i'm satisfied with all my updating but as for this blog, i'm done.

o yea.. sam dozed off while i was talking to her.. it was super funny... haha.

2007-06-23T04:14:00.001+08:00

that vy thinks i din do my part but i did..and she wanted me to take another item to present..like HELLO?! i need to study..i'm not a superwoman. u dun study, u do it. gee should have done it..so dun blame me..it's her part too..she shoved the work to u..do something.. dun say i dun help u..u think u're so great right..hur..u can't even tell me that i was already late.. i tot i changed it to 6..but i dunno..u dun take initiative to remind me too!! arghs..i have to study man.. din think that just bcos u stopped schooling for what? six months..u forget how's it's like to be a student hur? anyways.. if i dun do well.. guess what? i'm gonna hate this grp and quit leadership.. i have enough on my plate already.. i dun need people like u stressing me out. saying i'm not doing enuff.. well ur f*ing skool did not have some stupid citeria to pass if not u would be retained..no..ur skool's citeria is really easy...

do u even know what time i stay in skool until? i have xtra lectures, xtra lessons.. i end around 5 nearly everyday..and let's not forget cca..o yea..cca.. i love my cca.. ppl there make me feel wanted..they make me belong..why i dun want to tell u anything? bcos u would never understand..u would never understand that failing my subjects means doom for me..u would never understand how impt it is for me to pass EVERY single subject..why? cos it's ur skool that makes life easy.. i would never want to tell u anything..get it?? NEVER.. i'll be happy that i never get to work with u again.. i can't work with ppl that complain all the time.. u dun see me complaining about workload right? i just suck it up like a man..though i am a girl..

ask my pw members if u dun believe..cos everyone of us in that grp knows we have homework and we do it and our pw at the same time..we stay up late and dun complain. why? cos we have ..we are a team..that's what a team is. when u see ppl having diffculty u help, no matter how much u have to do..that's what my good friend alvin taught me..and he's in my pw grp.. he does SO much with no complain..i admire him for that.. and i do my part without complain too. i try my best to make sure that wateva i do, it always the best that i can afford at that time.

do u even know how much effort i put into doing the slides? no... u just tell me at the 11th hour to throw it all away.. can u imagine how pissed i was? no.. u just wanted to push for ur way..even after i told u that the big guys says our plan is not such a good one..u still din listen and insisted on doing it..everything is YOUR WAY..and EVERYTHING is ALL about YOU.. u don't care about what ppl think or feel..u only care about urself.. "oh boohoo..i have to do so much work" "can't u dun study and help me?" "i'm so stressed" o pls..u dunno what stress is even if it came right up to u and said hi. u wanna know what stress is?

stress is when u have a pile of homework to finish by the next day, a proposal to come up with and a test to study for..i've been thru that..u haven't i know..cos then u won't say that's u're stressed..u'll be like..o that's normal.. but i have to do it cos it's my RESPONSIBILITY. u know..maybe u should spend more time doing projects..that u would know how to be a team player. u would know that the world dopesn't care what u think. why? cos u're just ONE person.. u would know that no one cares about ur opinion cos it's ur opinion..who are u man? NO ONE. u dun have a high position. why should ppl listen to u.. just look at the ppl in the session..u can't even control them.. at least i could...they kept laughing.. do u think that is accecptable?

i'll jsut tell u this once..dun think u're so great.. dun think that what is do is a lot..cos there are other ppl who are doing so much more than u just that u dun realise it. u're so self absorbed sometimes.. u can't even take a walk in the other person's shoes..u're all about urself and how much u r suffering. ppl like gee and me have exams...u ever consider that? sure u give us lesser things to do..but still..that's all u done..u take the full load to make urself seem like the hero, but when u can't take it u blame it on someone.

ever heard of ask and u shall recieve? i dun work on initiative.. i work on ppl telling me that they need my help cos i would never know unless they tell me..that's us how it is,,but u let ur pride get in the way dun u.. i dun think i wanna work with u again..nah uh.. no way.

2007-03-18T22:32:00.000+08:00

u know.. this is sorta the last straw. i can't commit to cyf anymore. i'm really sorry every i've let u guys down. but.. we seem to have some bad seeds and all.. i juz dun wanna talk about it. it's like.. the qn is do u even go for the service? no. anyways, i have skool, training.. loads of stuff to do.. tuition too. soon going for british concil. i dun have the time. not that i place cyf as impt.. but cos.. some things are more impt. if i screw up my promos cos of cyf.. i'll telling u.. my parents are gonna make me quit it. studies first. mid terms are coming. ppl.. i am in a gov. skool. u wanna get out of training.. fine.. letter please. gov skool = no religion. it's not fair that i leave training juz for church meetings too. never have i felt that i have made such a big mistake. sorry people. i'll serve my term as a leader, be the best that i can be. but, i won't come back again. after this year. never. ever. ever.

2007-01-05T23:45:00.000+08:00

i mao ur face! muahahahaha! :DDDDDDDDD

2007-01-02T18:46:00.000+08:00

played cs on 31st...wow..that was long ago..haha...it was quite fun..loved the knife match.. and i was killed by the same ppl again and again......and again... sighs..mercy! haha.. yupps.. xavier loves to kill me.. everytime kill me.. -.-..and willy and apy and jerome.. -.-" same ppl all the time..haha.. hmm..i din got to cally's place for the new year party..i know i can't go. besides, i saw some fireworks.. beauitful.. really..although it was for 15 seconds like that.. but it's still good. school reopens tmr.. sian. orientation. $30 bucks. talk about expensive. did shopping today.. ok la..some new clothes..zoo land!!!!!! yay! i have a pack of that...gonna eat it tmr..lol..

2006-12-30T00:21:00.000+08:00

played CS today.. thanks stacey's mom for not killing me once... yaya.. my nick was lala... damn lame la.. but juz call myself lala.. u make me wanna la la! haha... siao lioas.. likeonegay kept killing em pls.... stop killing me.. i'm a noob..give chance..loll. but seriously.

2006-12-22T02:03:00.000+08:00

haha..so this is a public blog now..but i won't update it all the time..juz when i feel like it.. if u want then read the old post.. not stopping u.. and i'll get a tag board soon.. yupps..

2006-05-07T14:58:00.000+08:00

people who are not suppose to be reading my blog and r reading it. this is for u. dun try to get my friends to give u my blog address. they know better than to. if i dun give u my blog addy. u know where u stand. except to some ppl whose comp crash and whom they themseleves dun update their blog. yea u know who u r. u r the one from mshs...ok. that's it. if i dun give u my blog addy... DEAL WITH IT!

2006-04-19T16:57:00.000+08:00

hiatus
... unitl furhter notice...juz found out that someone who is NOT SUPPOSE to look here is looking...and i dun really like that person...so no more crapping until further notice...i'll tell u guys the alternate webby to see my blog...

2006-04-17T18:10:00.000+08:00

hmm...so i'm trying a new font again. well today isn't that good...to me...that's all. i'm failing english...of all subjects...it's not that i'm not trying hard..i am..but i juz can't seem to be able to pass the freaking compre no matter how many compres i did...i juz pray i dun fail. i muz pass my chinese listening compre tmr...i can't pay attention during physics...i dunno why too...i think it's me not the teacher...so screwed up for the exams...everyone is working so hard but me...why?? yes ppl...i'm angry with myself again.

i dunno what's wrong with me recently...i try to pay attention but i juz can't do it....i sleep. such a pig. i ahte hearing that i have so much potential...u know why? cos if i can't make it kinetic...then what's the point of having so much potential?? it'll juz turn into useless fats one day...grrr.

him. affairs of the heart...it sux seriously...robbing you oif ur performance, eating u up slowly with each passing day. why can't i juz forget about him?? his presecence lingers within me...in him i see myself sometimes...but i haven't really gone to that stage yet...he can treasure life...i throw it out the window. kinda bad rite? well as long as it's my life..throwing it out the window is not a bad thing after all. i dun get it seriously...if he knows how fragile life is and how precious it is...then why does he still harm his own life and shortens it?? it's juz so confusing...why i like him?? i dunno...i juz do..maybe it's cos he's nice?? but that's a lame reason. it has to be something more...i think about it after the exams i hope...i dun want it to interfer with my studies...which is what it's doing already.

i can't say i love him...cos that would be untrue...i juz like him a lot. hmm...hopefully he doesn't know. hope the ppl that read this blog won't go and tell him...tsk tsk it's call gossiping...besides...if u tell him...then i won't like him anymore...somehow...he won't talk to me if he knew...so ppl u better shut up! yeap. somehow i hope that he'll never read this blog...but a part of me wants himt o read it...letting him know that he's not alone in the world.

even in school...we're suppose to have friends, even if i'm with them i still leave alone. something is missing...i dunno what.i can't stand this particular girl in my class...even though she is suppose to be my friend...i can't stand her...she keeps making use of me. like asking me to reserve seats for her. i dun see why she can't come to skool earlier u know...she is such an ass...if my parents can send me earlier to school then why can't hers? dun tell me that her parents want her to be late for school?? she is so full of shit. seriously...she is...right to the brim and her personality sux too...i'm not talking bad about her...i'm saying what i think of her. there is a difference u know...this is my opinion so dun u any old how say me. arghs...i can't stand her lars...always so slow and stuff...all she cares about is herself...arghs....qsr..

here he comes floating into my thoughts again...himm...i need a mind vaccum cleaner...suck him out and put him in a bottle...then i'll stop thinking of him...rite now the most impt thing is study study and study
hmm...like the words?? well ame..u r so full of crap u know? yea i know...haiz...stop thinking of him. hmm..let's think of penguin. isn't that better? a penguin...hmm...cute penguin...black and blah blah....

i want to talk to someone...but forget it lars...i'm right that no one cares....so i shall stop bitching about it about? maybe not stop but reduce the times i bitch about it...hahaha...got it from a icon...stupid thing scolded me...yes an inanimate object. there were times when i needed to talk...but whenever i talked...the stuff i wanted to say never came out...i wish i had more courage to tell cube my prob. but i dun...my probs damn irritating...besdies dun want to bother him...i think he thinks that i'm so irritating u know...juz dun tell him..even thoguh i talking about it now...hmm...talking about your problems i good...but why bother if no one bothers to even listen...they all pretend...fakers....seriously..i think that...well not all ppl...but most ppl. i hate ppl who pretend to be your friends...and they dun like ur back at all..u know...ppl like hovstad from my lit play ...he is such a idoit...lumpy lard..

if my friends can't always be there for me...then the phrase the : friends will always be there for u...is void. ppl should really think before they come up with this kind of crap u know...about friendshipa nd stuff...juz screw it lar. u find out one day that all these mean nothing at all...like i have. ppl are juz hypocrites...they say one thing but in their mind they have sth else at heart. why is it that ppl say sth...and if u did not get it not get it they will say nevermind? what's the problem in knowing? why dun they want to tell?? if i am ur friend...then there would be no harm in telling me would there? i hardly leak out secrets. arghs...dun trust me then say lars...u dun have to use underhand means u know...

wells...bye...can't think properly now...

2006-04-16T17:18:00.000+08:00

the rain.
its prescence brings me joy.
its coldness sweeps me off my feet
i feel it creeping into my skin
feeling the liveforce within it

my memories came sneaking back
like a haunting dream
forcing me to retaste
the experiences i went thru
good and bad
friendships broken and formed

feeling the little spears of rain
pelting against my skin...
disguising the drops of tears down my face
hidding me from passers-by
as my soul crumbled within me....
leaving my outer shell exposed

i felt so weak
with water drops surrounding me
the pain and anguish in me
eating what was left of my soul
gnawing on the walls of my heart

him.

in the rain.

i felt his love ever so warm
caressing the body of my spirit
feeling his hug...
comforting me...
holding me close to himself...
never letting me go...

in the flutter of eyelids
he disappeared like the wind
forever there, never found...
seeing myself alone again
sitting in the rain....
trying to forget the feeling in my heart....

i love u forver..... you juz never knew... <3333
i wanted to tell u so much
i wanted to u to see urself in me
let me feel ur warmth once more
like i used to have
plese dun let me fade off into the night
hold me close to u and never let me go
let me love u again...
my love
my boy within my heart...

2006-04-15T11:56:00.000+08:00

hmm...haven't blog much. let's start with thursday...

so thurday...can't really remember what happened...somhow most the the stuff that happened on that day seem to be a blur to me. i guess i wasn't paying attention in class...or sth...i remember maths class...we were doing ln...i'm so dead...i dun get loads of it..need to practice it then...go ame...tiao~ that was kinda random. so then..english i kerna called to stand up..answer question...describe a best friend u have in school...seriously i dunno how to answer that...do i really have a best friend? if i did...then she muz have flown away like the summer bird..cos i can't find her...it's like there's no one really i can lean on, everytime i think i have someone...i'm left all by myself again. alone. so there was nothing interesting that happened...not really...lemme think...i fell asleep during physics...so screwed up. arghs....can't i pay attention? no. i juz gotta sleep. well i neeeeeeedddddd to be more attentive. yea. so then after skool..wanted to go and run to practise for my 2.4but din. why? cos no time and too lazy. went for mass...paul and chrisy were late and aunty was later....wondered what he did. so then, sam and yowie came. yupps. sam sat with us...damn crampped, so chrisy and i pushed paul...closer to aunty...hahahaha...he din mind...ooo..haha. but i think that aunty is quite brave...he dare to sit alone with so many girls with him. unlike someone....*coughs*

after mass...or after com, we went for church visitation...felt so left out lars...liek i'm so extra like that...no one cares so...yupps. ho cube din come cos he juz din want to come...so lame. so then i sit alone....and think..i think i fried my brains. if my friends can't always be there for me...then why do they say that they'll always be there for me?? so i sat alone...and thought...then ben sat with me but i din say anything, at first i was studying...but then not enuff light so i juz din bother...did stations of the cross...i led for one of them...go ame..saw the old bus uncle..u know the one that drove the schoolbus when i was in primary skool....so funny...he remember me...i think i hardly change sia...i think i change more inside than outside...get what i mean?? so we went to visit the churchs...then i couldn't take it anymore...i sms ho cube...told him my situation and how i was feeling...ok lars...comforted me a bit...thanks man...

but still....after a while i think he went to sleep liao...so nevermind...cos it was ending liao...juz a long bus ride with solitude...so listened to my mp3...willy was seeing what song i had lars...hehe...so i nearly fall asleep.. din bother hearing what gill had to say...juz...like somehow...not be bothered with things anymore...arghs...dun wanna talk about it..it's complicated...

kinda disappointed that there were no stars that night...sitting outside the church in vain...hmm...but the moon was nice, except for the clouds...gave it a damn creepy look...so went back to the church, damn late liao..tried calling my parents...but no one answer...called home, no one answered...guess i'm the forgotten child... :(
damn sad lars...no one wanna go and fetch me from church...had to take the bus with chrisy...fell asleep on the bus... hehe...listening to songs...i put the volume louder...shutting out the world...went home. got a damn bloddy scolding from my mum...cos i came home so late...i said i called but she refused to listen..she juz kept rambling on and on..so i juz din care, went to "my room" and changed, went on the comp for a while, and slept.

friday:
well it's good friday. dunno why it's so good. firstly, i din get a place to sit in church, it was so freaking crowded. i think i know why. cos all the ppl that never came throughtout the year come only on two days, good friday and christmas...arghs, i hate christmas! it's such a lonely holiday, like i have to spent the whole day at home...NO ONE wants to go out...i hate christmas...stupid holiday...joy to the world my ass. look at the world now! do u really think that there is peace? joy? no. how many family break up every year? how many children run away from home, b'cos their parents fight...how many think that home is not their home, how mnay teens that cry themselves to sleep, think they're the cause of everything?? u tell me...there is no joy...christmas is juz a sad stupid holiday...juz think about it...all ppl want on christmas is presents presents and present, all for themselves...they want to reiceive...not give, no one wants to give, ppl are damn selfish. yea. back to good friday...so couldn't find sam...nvm.

stood with paul, then yowie and her friend came. the mass damn long...wanted to sit but couldn't. i hate those shoes i wore. i'll tell u why later...so yow went to toilet..ask me to go with her...haha..she ate pineapple. i think u know the rest. after mass....went downstairs...somehow...sarah and all had places to sit lor. saw kenneth...said hi. his hair grew back...not fully but u get what i mean. then paul and i left. went to suntec. to buy prez for ppl...damn long lars...my shoe give me blisters...so i should have wore converse.. x))) anyways...went to suntec, first bought chrisy prezm then went to royal sporting house, got et a gift, then went to somewhere...got aaron his gift... sorry...but i'm not really close to him...i dunno what to talk about with him lars...i think he prefers talking to paul or chrisy than me...this reminds me..i forgot to talk to nick...hopefully he won't forget me...there's always vf...for a guy...he shops a lot and i really mean A LOT...he buy a damn ex belt lars...100+ euro...i think he's loaded...haha dun tell him that. not that u know who he is. i tell him who i like too...well not the recent ones...haha...but he knows about penguin...haha..he even suggested how i could be closer to him...damn nice lars.

back to suntec...went to eat swensen's...arghs...gotta stop pigging or i'll put on weight...which is a no no...geez...guys should really stop looking like stick...*feeds them lard* muahahahaha...juz kidding...so ate already...shop shop then came home. it rain while i was shopping...haha...so yea was walking on the overhead pass..saw marcus...obviously paul saw him first...so he had to put his hand in front of me then i could see him...haha..a bit the blur i know. :P went home afterwards...paul tried to guess my ahem...but i wun tell her...some ppl know why lars...not telling.. went home...ers...ate? such a pig...maybe i went to sleep...even worse. then i think hocube call me...haha...talk damn long...about what? about crap...juz like SOMEONE...hee..so talk to him...nice to talk to him. so then ask that forever friends bear thingy. he says it depends on i dunno what for him to buy for me. please dun misunderstand. it's juz buying for me cos i'm a good friend. yea. hopefully he'll buy...dunno what i'm gonna do with it if he does lars..and then we talk about some party..hahahhaha.... e + m = together forever... insider joke between him and me....hahahaha....

well...afterwards talk to sam t and eugene again...on msn. sam is my mummy and eugene is my daddy...it's juz fake one...they're my fake mummy and daddy...so i pester daddy...then daddy left...haha...
talked to sam about AHEM....she told me some stuff...not saying what. overall...maybe ahem is not that great lars...but i still like him...for now that is....dunno how long it'll last...but penguin is better no doubt. except for that x factor he has...not saying too.

arghs...felt so betrayed lars during the joint convo...someone kept adding ppl i din really want to talk to cos the three of us were talking about private stuff....u know...so yea. and someone blurted out something of one......argh...wanted to die there on the spot.

why is it that each time i find someone whom i think i can trust...that person would let me down time and time again. it sux really. it's like there's no one really there for me...i feel like the best person to keep my secrets is none other than myself. juz let me suffer silently can???!!! i dun wanna open up to ppl anymore. i dun want to let ppl know how i feel. i dun want to show my emotions anymore. i may do so until i forget how to laugh...i dunno...it's really complicated. but i can do it. here we go. tmr i will not laugh at all. try my very best. a neutral face and neutral responses....i feel so exposed whenever i open up...it's like there's nothing to protect me anymore...ppl know stuff and it's juz not safe. hmm...i dunno what to do man. argh...the pain and anguish.....it's eating into my soul. ahhhhhhh *screams*

so let's move on shall we? on saturday. went for my 2.4 run. no practice watsoever...so i went there...listen to mp3 for prepare mentally....yes ppl i do that. i like songs that drive ppl...esp on emotions like anger...then u can really run...my concentration kept breaking but never mind...recorded for eunice...wondered where my purple pen went though.....i'll ask her on monday...so then i ran. the first rounds was ok...the 6th round was the problem...had abdorminal pain..very painful...i was so determined to pass so i din slow down. halfway round...it's got to far....wanted to cry...really i wanted to...great...now i feel weak...nvm...so i ran...100m away i was suppose to sprint...but had no energy...did the best i could. time:14.23. that's good. an A on the dot. that is if i din hear wrongly...so afterwards....went home. bathe. went for a good lunch. went home. slept. argh. i'm such a pig. oink. oink. din go to give candles cos too tired and overslept.

did some studying...couldn't really concentrate....talked to shannon for a while...he won't reply certain stuff...dunno why. from ok msg to like...a few letters. so i stopped talking. and went to sleep. hocube forgot to respond to me...guess he was having a great time alone with his godsis...hahahahaha....and then...sunday.

today. easter. there is no joy in easter. it's like christmas...juz a little better than christmas. so went for mass with sam lee...came late cos the freaking bus was damn late....i hate 88 lars...so i went late...turn in..couldn't find her...i think i was kinda blur...tried calling...still couldn't...then bahh forget it and follow her instruction and went in....then i saw her....arghs...i hate being blur...have to be sharper...no have a sharp tongue though...so it was quite ok lars the mass....had chocolate...free from the church...so after mass went to collect confi photo...but ester not there so forget it. saw hocube on my way out...talk for a while....he look quite nice...nice shirt...dressed a bit the classy....haha...look quite er...nice? u get what i mean lars.....then i remember why he dressed like that...he got that lunch thingy for easter...haha. went home...went to j8...then came home..had that mac milkshake...damn good. and here i am blogging about this silly stuff....

2006-04-12T17:18:00.000+08:00

she. again. pretending to be my friend. i hate her man. drop the act. i know how u really feel about me. u know who u r. remember what goes around comes around. u'll get ur juz desserts one day. so rite now i'm listening to my immortal, damn long song.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

how true is that?? very. some ppl wanted to crack me...but i wun let them. there juz too much stuff. stuff ppl will never get. it's my dark past and no one will ever know about it besides me. all i told u were the happy stuff...u'll never know what lies behind it all...yea. it's take a damn super de duper de good friend to ever know. but i doubt that. i'm scared. yes ppl...even 'strong' ppl have the right to be scared. i'm afraid of rejection and blackmail if i was ever gonna tell anyone. sad...the number of true friends i have are less than the fingers on my hand.... :( the rest are juz friends...or good friends...not really those kind u would believe would be there for u. i dunno lars...i've been let down so many time. fallen so many time. it's hard to pick up myself again.

i've juz been thinking a lot...i'm so scared i think until i dun pay attention in class. honestly speaking...i'm so damnit screwed up lars. i'm suppose to be studying...but here i am blogging about some crap that no one really cares about...when i could be studying. damn fished up man. i muz study...then why can't i find that same spark i used to have to study?? i seemed to have lost it. argh...angry again. with myself. i hate being me. where is my motivation to study?? how come everyone can do it so easily but i can't?? what is the bloddy problem with me?? why am i slipping in my grades?? why can't i be more attentive and less lazy... why?! arghs. i hate me. i juz wish that i could be like that old me. the hardworking old me. why is it so hard to do things that ppl find easy?? why?? why me?? i wish i could do well...i try so hard to do it...and what do i get back?? a lump of annoying lard. ppl care about the results...they never care about how much effort u put it...i'm so sick and tired of the results. i'm sorry but i'm not that smart. i can that smart as ur stupid idoitic perfect son ok??!! u happy?? so what if i'm nice...i still can't get far.......

i'm so useless...all i could do is juz blog on this stupid thing...o God..please send a huge blackhole to swallow me up..so i dun have to go thru living each day with regret. this year is such an impt year for me..but why can't I see that?? why am i still stuck in the freaking holiday mood?? why can't i juz get out of this ladedadada mood?? arghs....... i wanna work hard..i wanna study...i wanna feel success in the palm of hand once more...like i used to feel...rite now all i feel is that air of failure. grr...ame...dun why dun u take ur freaking ass and go kill urself...geez.. can't i do anything right??

i want to study!!!!!!!

ever felt alone in this world? like u're destined to be byself for all eternity. that's how i feel. let's juz said i remember a certain thing someone promised me but she never carried it out. i have so study grp. i'm damn freaking screwed up. my supposed 'friend' was suppose to include me in it...but i think she has joy in excluding ppl......i feel so insignificant. arghs. God...please let me disappear. i dun care how many ppl say that they care for me and stuff...i can't feel it anymore..i can't feel anything nowadays....i'm so numb so human emotion...all except my own. i dunno wat to do anymore. i wanna have a study grp too u know...i wanna be with friends too...but no one can see it. i hate____________. i juz hate it. i'm human too...i like company too...why is everyone so hard up on leaving me alone?? why?? why....... i can't believe. u exclude me...and u still call urself my 'friend' all u scumbags.*sighs* is it even normal for a person to keep sighing?? i dun care... this is the worst time for me to not care..but what else can i do?? i feel so neglected.

my parents are going on a damn holiday and they're leaving me alone. every morning i would have to wake up at am. i would have no breakfast, no lunch and no dinner. some life hur? for two weeks. i hate home. i dun have one. everyone is concerned about my studies..they dun care about what is happenning to me....my soul is dying inside...but do they care? no. they dun. i hate my siblings. i really do. they are never there for me. when i need my brother to help me with my homework...he is never there. my sis hates me. she makes me feel like some godforsaken child. really she does. the next two weeks are gonna be hell. i hate my home. i wish i could stay at someone's house tmeporary. home would be the last place i wanna go. school is the second. see my pt about SS. well now u get it. i wish i had a twin. my twin is overseas. well see is not exactly my twin. but we're born on the same day...so i guess we're like twins. but still...she is miles away.

u know that someone i told u about...i feel like cancelling her from the invitation list...arghs...i dun want her near me seriously i afraid her spies would tell her though...*sighs* i'll juz take it off...make the invitations...soon. i'll get someone to help me....like sam lee...mee siam...i'm hungry...haha...juz kidding. u know...it's not so easy to forget the hurt that ppl do to u...it's really hard. esp. for me. i dunno why...i think i'm different. ESP? dunno... really...i dunno.

hmm...i like him. i'm not telling who. but then...u know sth? i'm better off liking penguin...nothing to do with materialistic things...it's juz...ever heard that how a guy treats u is how he treats his own mother?? yea...well u see...ahem...he er...let's juz say he doesn't really seem to be the one that respects his parents..so i dunno... x)) but pen...he is better...i think lar...somemore...penguin is a good boy...but...ever heard.. nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai? it's means...if a guy is not a little bad...no girl will like him...haha...well i think that applies to me lars... wheeeeeeeeeee....i went crazy during extra lessons...too much natural sugars. yea. but ahem...haiya...i dunno lars. i hate being fickle about the person i like. yu yang is so cute!!!!!!!!!!!! and adriano!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but they all have girlfriends.............argh...why do guys like them always have gf...give no hope for ppl like me.. :( o wells...i think i like ahem lars...i mean the only prob is maybe that he's a little vertically challenged. yea...i'm sure he'll grow taller than me lor...like who arh?? ho3 rite... shilly sit.....shoot so high......nvm...

u know what....no matter how much i like him...he will never know. cos i wun tell him not so courageous as others think i am. i mean...seriously...if i tell him and he doesn't feel the same...i'll be so damn embarrassed lar...but if he feels the same...then i guess it'll be good. but one more prob. he erm..has a bad habbit he needs to quit. argh. why do all the guys i like have some malfunction??!!! maybe i have bad taste. ahem..i hope he doesn't know how i feel. and that stupid biscuit...keep on making fun.

dear God
please help me not to be laxy during this lenten peroid. give me strength and determination to study and work hard. may i have the motivation to do well...like i used to. and thank you for giving me thru friends. may u bless them all.

amen.

2006-04-11T17:16:00.000+08:00

today sux. everything sux. juz screw everything damn bloddy thing...argh. shut up!

2006-04-10T17:32:00.000+08:00

life. it's one hell of a crappy screwed up, chicken ass, piece of lumpy lard!!!!!! argh. u know friends are suppose to trust one another...rite? i think that is so damn it crap. sorry..words aren't coming out rite. well it's one whole shitload of lies! argh...i juz am SO lost. i hate affairs of the heart. i really hate it. i love u is 8 letters, but so is bullshit! argh...so this is what happens...my friends dun trust me. why? cos i wun tell them my personal stuff..why wun i tell them. i'll tell u why. cos past experiences made me wiser. so i dun tell them and they dun trust me. piece os crap man. great way to break a person's spirit. yay for u..u broke me down. well i'll say what happened yesterday. i was updating my blog. as u know i was damn upset already! so then my freaking mum goes on nagging at me and juz driving me nutz...literally...i'm already damn stressed and she keeps doing this to me. and u know what happened next? i broke down. rite in front of her...i cried...very hard...and i couldn't do my work...there were so many things on my mind already. i never wanted to speak to her again. that's how worked up ame is ppl...so...stressed...

so let's get on to today. some idoits din trust me. shall not mention their names. i mean if u dun trust me...dun u dare bloody hell come up to me and still say that u're my friend...i'll tell u to take those words and shove it back up ur freaking ass...ARGH! i hate it when ppl dun trust me. and i dun wanna say why...i'll only tell four ppl in this damn world. u hear?! 4...those are what i consider friends. the rest of u can go and suck monkey balls...no offence and screw the language. u know what ur problem is...u ppl think that u're right all the time. even when u do sth wrong..damn shit ass man. and u think u know everything. i can tell u 1 million thing that u dunno. get it?! u think that u're so smart u know...u all know who u are. damn shit ass. u wanna know sth...i'm so tempted to join a secret society....i really want to. i wanna juz tell everything to go screw itself. so tempted...to take drugs. but i'm not dumb. they won't take my problems away...besides...u can't get any here. there are other methods though...not gonna say. i have my ways. u might think i'm petty...but what u guys dunno is that even the littlest things matter...to me. one thoughtless act can land u up in deep shit. so dun try. it's call having a high eq. u can sense certain stuff...we high eq ppl are more sensitive than u normal freaking low eq ppl. speaking of these. some of u dun even deserve to be leaders. u can't even connet with ppl. u dun understand ppl, human nature, human motivation, human emotion. u know what u do? u delgate..u dun do work. it's damn shit. u know...if u think that life is so easy being a non-leader, think again. u get shit from ppl ur age. it sux. seriously.

ppl dun respect u. why? cos u r no leader. i feel like an enemy of the skool man. why can't ppl juz accecpt me for who i am???? why muz u all discriminate?? it's so unfair... juz bcos ppl are different, it doesn't mean they are weird, i know. u dun. why? cos u have never experienced it. go and bloody jump off a building man. u think it's so nice to make fun of other people rite?? very fun rite?? well go and eat shit! it's not funny, a little is ok...like once every few days, but u guys do it everyday, everytime u see me. juz leave me alone!!!!!!ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i wanted to cry again during chem. stop teasing me! stop it! juz stop... there is nothing on with me and eugene. why can't u ppl juz get it into that thick numb skull of urs. everyone
is making fun of me with him. how many time do u want me to say....how many times?? how many times muz U put me thru this torture?? i already said there's nothing between us. now our friendship is breaking apart.. there! u happy? ARE U HAPPY NOW?! EUGENE AND I ARE JUZ FRIENDS. WELL FUCK IT NOW! THANKS TO U GUYS TEASING. IF THE ONLY WAY WE CAN SHUT UR GODDAMN IT MOUTHS IS TO END OUR FRIENDSHIP...THEN HAVE IT UR WAY!!!! I'VE LOST MY BEST FRIEND, WHAT ELSE DO U WANT ME TO LOSE??? MY LIFE?? U FREAKING BITCHES. WHY CAN'T U FOR ONCE LISTEN TO ME AND JUZ STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DUNNO WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM NOW...AND I DUNNO WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. I BET U GUYS ARE DAMN HAPPY, BREAKING APART GOOD FRIENDS. BITCH. ASSHOLE. JUZ ACCECPT THE FREAKING FACT OK?! I HAVE NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY?! U WANT AME TO BE ALL ALONE RIGHT? U JUZ WANNA SEE HER SUFFER ALL THE TIME, HAVING PPL SHE HOLD DEAR TAKEN AWAY!!!! WHY?! WHY?! WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTIME I HAVE A GOOD FRIEND U GUYS WOULD WANT TO TAKE HIM OR HER AWAY?! U DAM JEALOUS JACKASS.JUZ GO AWAY, FRAKING LEAVE ME ALONE TO BLEED AND DIE.

i've lost my great friend
nothing in life is that good anymore
no one for me lean on when i'm down
no one to be there for me
juz me, myself and i
all those happy days never existed
i've lost the person i trust most
all b'cos of ppl's thoughtless acts
i wish that i would fade away
let me be craddled in death's arms
once more
and find peace within myself.

2006-04-09T19:08:00.000+08:00

was going through some of my old stuff today. haha...found loads of books...mostly with songs in it. then i my old diary..it had little bears all over it...hee...haven't written in it for years...it's frangrance is gone already. and in another book...i found a song i wrote. yeap. I rote it...it's called almost there...sad song sia..but i think mag's sliver stain is better. it's nice u know. and that little has grown up and face reality, she is not what she used to be. happiness and joy were torn away right from the grasp of her hands. and now she sit alone in the corner thinking of why this happened to her. yea.

it's kinda weird. as a kid we are always happy..or that's what ppl think. not me though... cos i wasn't...it's a funny story i dun intend to tell. let's juz say that girls can be quite vicious even when they are juz p2. yea. but p1 sorta sucked. u know why? cos i missed my best friend....who was a guy...i'm quite sure that he still lives in bishan...but i haven't talked to him for ages already. he was my very best friend...haha...got into mischief with him...we both got scolded for the same thing and we got lost together. yea....the last time i had a glance of him...he's changed. a lot. i think my grandma still has his home number...maybe i'll call him one day...after the o levels..i hope he's doing well...*sighs* i really wonder what would have happen if we still kept in contact...there's always time to catch up..i really really hope that my ah mah still have his number sia. i dun like losing friends...well unless they are the damn useless type then i dun mind. but others...no way. i'm trying to patch up with phoebe...cos we were once best friends...hopefully i can do it..starts with msn...then talking in skool. and then going out and not forgeting going to her home...on the 8th floor...coincidence much. and seeing her doG!!! milo... hahaha...that was so funny...the last time i went...i think that milo was kinda horny...wahahahaha

speaking of friends....i'm gonna talk to tammy all the time after my exams!!!!!!!! she's my twin!!!!!!! hahaha...ya we have the same b'day but she's in aus. still...she's my twin. ok...not my biological twin but who cares?! and we're both be 16 this year!!! i wonder if she knows any cute aussie guys...then she can intro me and i can intro her cute s'pore guys...yea.

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

mortal dilemma!!!! there's penguin and there's nash....which one do i like better?? arghs...i'm so frustrated. should not be thinking of them...making my results go down. a good friend told me the reason why my results were deproving...i wanted to tell hor...but he's not free...seems to like that recently...i dunno why. so the other guy talked to me...i think he's not as irritating as ppl think he is...he is quite nice..really.

why is this happenening to me? why is everything i treasure so much....leaving me? WHY?! what have i done to deserve this??!! everyone is leaving me one by one...and i juz dunno what to do anymore...i really dun. i try to hold on to them...but they are all slipping from my grip. i can't pay attention...i'm thikning about stuff bothering my life. my stupid life..i should have never been born to this earth.i feel so GOD forsaken. my God my God....why have u forsaken me?? why have u left me all alone?? where were u when i needed u the most??? when i asked for help...none came...everything is my fault..i'm juz the cause of everything. there are two ways i can go. on my left it's life...on the right is death. i mean...if i die...no one would notice. i ask u now...would u care? no..u won't...how come everyone can feel loved but me? why am i so different??why am i like this?? why can't i juz be normal??!! God...u r almighty..then why can't u take my life away?? i am so willing to sacrifice it for anyone...cos i dun want it. living hurts. it really does. when u wake up everyday...and u ask urself...why am i here? i feel so unappreiciated...so forgotten, so ignored...so excluded. no one wants me...let me fade into oblivion. ppl love to exclude me...they love to keep me from knowing things. they're all the same...they want me to fail. they want to to die... they are all heartless freaks. i wish i could be strong and face these hurdles that come my way...but i'm not...i'm really not...everyday...i pretend i'm happy...do u know how sickening it is to do that?? i hate to be happy...i hate to be not me...but i have no choice. i go to skool...i fall...no one helps me.. they all juz stare and talk among themselves. they dun care. no one cares. u know what i really wish?? i wished that the doctors found a tumour in my head. then i would die. i hope i have one now...a huge big one, and they can't operate. then i can die! u ppl want to know why i keep seeing the doctor rite?? well i'll tell u...it's b'cos they want to prevent me from getting one...i wished that they din. i juz wish i had cancer...cancer of the blood. no more beef and spinach. then i'll have not enough iron for the production of red blood cells, my white blood cells overwhelm them..i get blood cancer and die.......life over. i dun like to open myself b'cos i've been hurt so much. each time i find aomeone i can trust...that person turns against me...i cry...yes i do. juz that no one sees it. i'm beginning to not trust ppl...to not be close to anyone. i dun want to be hurt again. it's too painful. like someone said...love is like a razor, it cuts ur heart deep with every moment. i hate this world. i juz wanna be free from it all.

dear God,
i know u have the power to do anything. i pray to u today to take my life away. let me return to u..let me not feel as forsaken as i do now. u are fair to everyone...so let me die. u said ask and u shall recieve. well now i'm asking u for it...for relief of my life, i'm begging and pleading u. please...dun let me go on suffering. i know u know how i feel.please...remove the pain i feel. i dunno what to do anymore. and i seek u...let me go with u to heaven...please God. let me be happy to be with u in heaven.

amen and thank you.

2006-04-08T20:43:00.000+08:00

sighs...my <3 hurts a lot as i heard u talk about cigs...i wondered what had caused u to take it up...there were always solutions to problems...u juz need to ask ppl for help... despite how mnay problems i have...i would always do my best to help other ppl with theirs too...cos it's not always about me...and that's what friends are for. sure that thing could give u some "relief" but still...think of the consequnces. have u ever thought about what would happen if u were caught? u'll be suspened for sure or even expelled....i dun want that to happen to u. yet it is so hard to make u open ur mouth to say what's on ur mind. penny for ur thoughts? i know it's not much..but talking it out is good...i can tell u one thing for sure...u're not the only one going thru what u are going thru...living example here too...except i used other methods instead of cigs...let's say it's an extreme method...ppl ask me but i deny...u think i'm that stupid to say i do that? no rite...anyway...put it in short.

i'm worried for u. why? b'cos i care...

that's why.

it's juz...i dunno...hopefully no one knows what i'm talking about...it'll be damn embarrassing...yea. but i think one fellow or two know what i'm talking about. hmm..so yea back to what i was talking about...er.ok.

u know...i dunno how am i gonna open myself up if u dun do it first. although i know some of ur secrets from a surce already...it would be nice to be trusted and have the secrets and stuff retold to me once more u know...at least i would be more willing to open up stuff about me. especially that sensitive issue u brought up...i'm not willing to say it...cos it's something painful that i've been thru...hardly anyone knows about it. so yea.

y can't u see that not all girls go for looks. ever noticed pretty girls are with not so good looking guy and not so pretty girls are with handsome guys? yea. that's what i mean. damn weird sia, but it's true. i mean u r better than the other one....cos at least u talk more than him. his reply to me is mostly one sentence. the most two. yea. is u din smoke. then a lot more girls would be liking u u know that? first u are damn nice. second....u're fit? thrid..u're unafraid to wear that colour, u stand up for other ppl and all. juz accecpt that u r good ok? cos i already did. so why can't u?...

2006-04-07T22:53:00.000+08:00

woke up. tired. as usual. i have like ss test too...but who cares?! it's after recess. so did all the stuf...kinda late for skool. brought loads of stuff...needed to bathe in skool after guides. stress. somemore it's official meeting. i love being besy...sometimes i'm too busy...squeeze too much stuff in a day...i dun have time for myself...juz SO tired. wanna sleep. but i know i cannot be lazy! i need to study!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and practise 2.4 run.. :) so here's my plan for tmr..

11am to 2pm is netball...i wake up like...9?
then lunch. then come home
practise rollerblading...
my t-break and // turn sux sia...muz practise..
then look professional
after that...
mass. then
tempest play
go home
conference call
next day
breaky
rollerblading
sleep
study+ homework.

that's my plan. pretty packed. so i'm like flying about the place. today shannon called. i kerna scolding from him lars...tell him to call me then ask who he is...sorry sia...kinda blur when i lack sleep. yuppz. so we talked. and IT came up again. seriously. eugene and i are NOT together. please. we are juz very good friends. so he was like "liar liar liar" and i'm like watevba. michelle was there too..talking crap...kerna called retarded. muahahhahha. thanks man shannoN! so then after guides...i rushed to bathe. nice water...cold but not too cold...refreshing... then changed. i wore nice white blouse for the concert and a short demimn pleated skirt!

went to vic concert hall....hard time finding a place to sit. nice performance. go phoebe and guinevere!!!!!!!!!!! u guys rock!! guin..u bluff me man...i saw u man...look at me somemore...haha...phoebe!!!! songs were so nice...i like the disney
songs man!! damn nice!! i like the song the flute ppl play...guin!! *grins* so anyway...omigosh...muz i mention that they were so many guys there??? a lot....some of them were quite cute... found a shawn lee look alike!!!!!! yay!! yea... so the band has a new conductor...mt leonard tan...yea... :) he is sooo funny... i like almost all the songs...i'm lost now....so halfway thru damn tired. cos played a lot of badminton! :D so then i was like half sleeping... =.= zzz....so yea.... interval...i din go to say hi...kinda stuck in the middle...hugging ppl is nice. i like it. is then had a little bit of an encore. nice.

ss test sux... i hope i pass.........

2006-04-05T18:11:00.000+08:00

this is getting a little lame. it came yesterday. u know what. so crappy. hoho called me yesterday...din want to talk...but figured i better listen to what he has to say...dunno why. female instincts? i dunno. so juz hear him babble...asking me about my day and stuff..and then that line: i've read ur blog. damn it man...this is like some freaky exhibition about my life...this blog...i wish i could lock it up sometimes..*sighs* seriously...i cannot write happy entries...ok maybe i used to. see ... used to. i've changed. really. back to that talk...talked to him about stuff...and things i wrote when i was p6..it was damn lame but quite cute sia. and he shared about his stuff...well most of it...stupid saying that u can't tell a woman everything...well that is id the woman is ____________ u know who...haha...basically she's the person everyone cannot stand. cannot say her name or she'll bad mouth me...tsk tsk. poor sam...has to put up with her. get it? haha..yea.

so as usual, today was a crappy day. din have time to go to class cos i was kinda late. seriously i think that nowadays i'm starting to be annoyed by ehcar. came to realise that she IS rather selfish and self-centred...like everything is about her her and her...kinda boring. and she's like..hmmm...annoying...dunno why i feel like that...maybe it's hormonal inbalance. i dunnnooo. her eq is rather low..she hurts ppl intentionally sometimes...that's why i dun really like her now. and i wanna kill mossy...she told her about THE SCANDAL. die lars...rache is the kind u dun tell stuff to...somehow...it's juz not good. yea.

chem. first period. mrs s. talked about metals...and that story came to my head again...darn it mag... it's: please stop calling me a crying zebra, i love hard core sex games, play! yea..it's for the reactivity series of metals. ate sweets and that stupid girl kept cursing me to get diabetes. so evil rite?? and everyone thinks that she is soooo nice...seriously. she can be a bitch sometimes. damn annoying. after chem was geog. ate sweets and slept. fam din mind. dun really care cos i'm the type who get kinda bored listening to ppl. she was doing a lot of yapping. paied attention for a while...sth about the oil plantation. yupps.then ENGLISH! i love english class. mag low is a damn good teacher. seriously. so did long esaay today...wrote about a serious accident that made an area safer for the ppl living there and working there. wrote about................ terrorism...kinda bad rite? everything has to do with death.sad lars. finished early. went for recess with zoooo yea. dun like the sec 3s...so annoying. irritating ppl. cut my queue all the time.ate nasi lemak. errss.................. and one lo mai kai...cos not having luch later got prat. dun really like pract. and one lemon tea...the drink stealer was there! no juz kidding... she a bit the smart sia...put so much chilli!!! siao! but ok alr...she can take hot. and we are talking about what if...asking paul what if u know...and chrisy kept asking so i ask her back...what if arh? what if he.... what if chrisy? then she shut up...hahhaha....x_X and the had to bring up eugene again...why?! can't u ppl accept that we are juz very good friends? that we share stuff like friends do...seech..u ppl are so crooked.

haha....maths after recess. vectors again. *sighs* boring...kinda lost..then i got it..shows that i have to practice...test tmr...study. no more open ook like he said...cheat my feelings. so yea. muz remember to sign edusave form and er...get a cashcard. need it for school. geog project is screwed. yep. assemblywas pretty ok. some finger palying grp came. did a skid. i like the duck...so cute. although i like pigs...but this pig is kinda tiaos...so i din like it...duck very funny. ya. after that was pract. i did wrongly..but who care? i do...did another time...shouldn't have...first one was accurate...so juz screw it...tell it to go and eat shit. crap thing. qa sux even more. go and die man....dunno what is the bloody thing...and i go freaking burnt...ouch! i din tell the teacher though..u know act tough...i'm not actually. juz din bother. so suffer with the pain. hopefully nothing happens cos it's burnt by chemicals...and it has chlorine. die lars...that stupid scent is still in my head... nose hurts. stomach hurt a lot today. u know why...dun need to say. wanted to play badminton..but thought going home to rest a while would be good. bought fishy her bday gift too. yay!

here i am again then. writing. found someone who has the same interest as me. death. that person looks forward to it and so do i. coincidence hur? maybe. i wish that nash could erm...start caring about his studies...if he retain one more year then die liao. yea. he waits for death. so do i...but still u have to care about stuff....rite?? i dunno...kinda confused. i seem to be like that most of the time. when i dun get stuff i ask...i ask and ask until my mouth becomes arid. still no one answers the questions the fills the recess of my mind. all the things i'll never know and everything i'm suppose to know...it's tearing me apart. hold it! there i go again...rambling about some crap thing which i dun get.

u know...i really dunno what's wrong with me. my motivation seems to be slipping thru my fingers. everything i once held dear...seems to be a thousand miles away....drifting far away into the darkness of the night sky. friendships that break now and then, feeling hurt endlessly...it's a vicious cycle. i think that the fights have mostly drained my energy...kinda whacked now...i'm not what i used to be. i think of it all the time...u know... IT...not good...but what's there to do? death is something i am not afraid of...anymore. things have changed. for better worse? that is the question...ppl say that literature lets u see the idea of human perception and motivation. it's kinda weird. work piles over like the mountains...i'm kinda....i dunno....exhausted. i find doing nothing boring but do something a drag....argh... i dunno what else to say...so....lost. so...trapped. i can't say what i want. i can't do anything anymore....the last time i ran in the rain...i felt alive again. besides the guys looking at u know....it was still pretty good. *sighs* reflection sux...gets u thinking and stuff...i need my baby(diary)...yea...not exactly diary...it's kind of a book where u write ur stuff in it... yea...until i dunno when again....

addios!

2006-04-03T17:19:00.000+08:00

excuse me... if u do not want to be my friend can u juz say so? dun need to go one around behind my back to stab me u know? if u are not willing to do something for me...then i suggest u dun do it. u already know how much i cannot stand insincerity and u still try to do it to me. well...i can juz tell u one thing...go get urself screwed. dun come and find me when u have problems...i will not help u from now onwards. seriously speaking...i am damn stress already...i keep worrying about other people and hardly on myself. i find myself slipping behind...it's juz that i've never told u. do u know how hard it is to live juz one day thru my shoes?! to face all the kind of stupid shit that comes ur way? like today....i did so badly for my chem. even though i passed..but still...i let someone weaker than me do better than me. it really puts me off. not to mention i hardly got what my teacher was talking about and my 'friend' din bother explaining it to me when i asked her. i freaking screwed up the chinese test and my prelims are this month. FISH IT MAN! want somemore? ok then...i think that muscle ache i have in my lower abdomen is not juz a mere muscle ache....it's something far more serious...i think i hurt an organ...maybe even having internal bleeding now. i juz hope i die man. so dun pray for my health...let me die then perhaps u'll be much happier having no BURDEN for u already hur?! no body to bug u...juz to talk to u so she won't think about suicide. to save her life.....appearently...u dun care...so i dun see the point of her caring too...dun u think? want more shjit from my life?!

well...mr teh is damn pissed off and disappointed in my class...we are by far the LOUIEST double science class... i've let him down. i wish i could do much better...but i can't. it's really not my fault i'm careless...i was born that way. why did u think i fell down so many times? u think my life is all rainbows and butterflies...but it's not. i din even have time for lunch before my pft. try that! when i came to bishan it rained cats and dogs and i had no umbrella. so how? i had to run through the pouring rain! and mind u...i was wearing a white shirt. so great view for the guys u know. and there were like 7 guys beside me...imagine that....u running in the rain and these 7 guys with u...the worst thing is i din even know them. so go and die. i was soaked from head to toe...every part of me was wet. i'm not surprised if i fall ill tmr...it's not like anyone cares... they'll all think : good! i hope amelia dies. she is such a pain the neck. i bet u think that too hur? i mean...ever since i dunno when u've stop talking to me...u've stop caring...... when for once i thought someone cared for me....i was wrong. u know when i came home today...i so wished that the lightning would strike me dead. then the world would be happy. now let me ask u. when was the last time YOU asked someone if they were all right instead of them telling u? if friends are forever, then whoever came up with that is a big, fat JACKASS!

i juz wish for a big hole to form in the ground and sallow me up..then no one would ever have to see me again. happy? bet u are. if u dun care about me then juz say so. i'll leave u alone forever. i say it and i mean it. when i said i would delete shannon's number. i will. or at the most, i would never ever msg him again. i'm serious. i would never ever talk to u too. what i say, i can do. so back off.

if the world wants me to die...i would die in front of them. no questions asked.

so goodbye, and maybe i dun see u in the world beyond.

u r such an asshole u know that?

2006-03-31T23:36:00.000+08:00

sighs...let's see...new skin...new person. yea. so i had cyf today. nothing great. went late. freaking lightning. it scared the living daylights outta me. had eyeliner on. looked like a goth. good, i like it that way. but emos are wayyy better. i know. cos i am one. i'm juz a mix of everything. x) so kinda malu then we went in late. chrisy looked like a demon...scarry. so we watched this boring video about jesus. really boring...wanted to sleep. the rain made it worse....freaking cold. and i think i'm sick already. so yea. halfway thru the show....~~i saw san and then i felt a familar jolt in my stomach...sad he din have a place to sit...but still...yea<~~ nice view...if u know what i mean....can't believe he actually came. so watched to movie finish....shawn talk about some stuff....boring..no offence....my head was more concerned about something...wan't paying attention. then went to macs.....got hit by grace...for nothing...i mean if u want me tell u something juz ask nicely. u dun have to hit me and ask rudely and offensively...it hurts u know. u bring me back to MY painful memories..i wish u never did that...u got me thinking...thiking back..i hate that! u're lucky that i implode! so i wont show my emotion...

one by one
u all left
until i'm here again
back in square one
thinking of nice it would be
to be trapped in a box
too bad u din see what's on my wrist
or u would have regreted everything
that u did bad to me..
i'm never gonna show it
but i will continue to
slash it.
until one day
u find urself alone
and wonder why'd i have to go...

that irritating daniel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! making fun of me....but wanna thank him lars....for bring some company to me...maybe he isn't as bad as i thoguht he was. shannon kept coming in and out...sitting by himself...wonder what's up. that hor fan....leave so early....dun even have time to talk... :( about private stuff...only the both of us know....my stuff...yea...well..juz let him go home then..then i was alone...thinking...about a lot of stuff...went home....saw darren...he stayed nearby too...so yea...i was removing the eyeliner...he thought i was crying...but i told i was not....

later....hor called me...talk about some conference talk.....din really care....my eyes were kinda sore from_____________ =.= so then..juz talk...and then sleep.

anyway....going back to what happened in school.... it's the inter lit class drama competition today. damn excited. not only am i the assitant stage manager, i am also a main character...despite the fact that i say only two lines. the day flew by fast....i think i tore a muscle while doing the standing board jump.....ouch....too much force...so i can't sneeze for a while....it freak hurts lar...slept during physics and chinese...dunno what's wrong with me nowadays...:( but yea...so on with recess...had to finish my recess by 11.15 or mag would kill me and then had to buy the cme book...but it was outta stock...so i juz used the one i wrote on fullscape... poor rache...she forgot to bring the black t-shirt...so i had to lend her mine...gross much...luckily she's gonna wash it afterwards. so yupps....had rehersal again after recess...

it was torture...saying my line over and over and over and over and over again....damn irritating...stupid low...she keeps stopping us halfway and correcting us...can't she wait till we finish then comment...it's so annoying. and the val somemore...a bit the what lar...i mean mag IS trying her best liao....really. and she thinks that she is so reat...criticising mag all the time. she forgets that it's mag who has more experience, not her, and mag who has better advice...duh...after directing for ij drama night :) mag rocks...but she hits me a little too hard...juz for fun...so it's fine. back to val...so then we juz ignore val...went on with the play..moss forgot her line..and that's when mag took the chance to hit back at val. like...hmm she said: u see that?! she juz stumbled on her lines! if YOU think that it is SO EASY...then why dun YOU come up here and act then hur?! so val was pretty damn pissed and stormed off...but heck her.... muahahhaa....the play went on smoothly. but we had to leave for ss....i dun really like ss....however.....there is a test on monday...so better go. yupps. after that...was maths...i failed the test... :'( all bcos i did the sum wrongly...read it wrong...so annoying...and we got let off at 1.50!!! wel.. only cast and asm and the sm...yea..others got let off at 2. poor mr teh...he so wanted to teach maths.

went to the hall..changed to my outfit...long sleeve shirt buttoned to the top aith a tie tight...and a pair of pants...not to mention i had powder in my hair to make me look old...how sad...and hmm...make up too...i hate foundation..they put a lot lars...plus i had a goatee and a moustace...fake thick eyebrowns....i really really looked like a guy...*coughs*transexual*coughs* hahah...took dotor stockmann's biscuit...haha...that was her last packet...heck care..its was only one. my class was the last one and we all loved 4/8's drunk...so funnai!!!!!!!!! stumble in...really like a drunk. their doctor loss her words... xD so then my class...we took everybody by storm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! go 4/3 we rock and u can't do anything about it!!!!!! duh! after all that tiring acting...went for a break...can't even remove my costume...sad lars. but then...the announcement...my class had the BEST comments. and the best actor goes to........*drum roll* a docot stockmann....both were too convincing...but we decided on eunice tan from 4/1...poor guin...she might have won...she was the runner up...she lost by a MERE margin... :( and the nice big shiny throphy goes to......dadun....4/3!!!!!!! FOUR THREE 2006!!!! YAY!!!!! I LOVE ACTING!!!!!! I LOVE MY CLASS...THAT WAS THE HAPPIEST TIME OF MY LIFE... yea...nice big shiny throphy... :))))

after teh paly my classmates and i went to pizza hut...went with the 155 grp...they are nice ppl.. :) saw shannon...and freaking shit wish my hair wasn't like how it was at that time....stupid powder..said hi to him...yea..then went to pizza hut...o mi gosh...everything is mean...please GOD forgive me....i juz ate it anyway... and jiazhi said all those scarry stories...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! damn scared....wa... somebody save me...so i finished and had to zoom home. went home...and it rained, bathed, dry hair, put eyeliner...style hair...was late was cyf.
saw sebb and went to look for paul and chris.

2006-03-29T17:58:00.000+08:00

tell me why i feel alone
as i watch the rain fall
hiding my tears away
from wary eyes of passers-by
walking down that lonely road
with no one beside me
except lonliness and solitude

the night air had gone so cold
my hat kept me warm
but not my clothes
heading towards the place
where death awaited me

life is meaningless
when death is all my want
feeling my lust for him buliding up
i run towards him
the roars with anger
as death and i embrace
a lovely end
to a morbid story.

copyright of amelia.
dunno why....i juz juz feel like how my poem said....i really dun. i hate it when ppl see thru me when they look in my ________ cannot say...or ppl would know...which is not good...really... the only person i wanna talk to doesn't even care that much about me.....the other one....i dunno.... i might talk to her on friday....i better pay for waterworks.... yea....no one has time for me. i juz wish the i would disappear into oblivion yea...i know u all dun care about me...dun act like u do....like i said...let me disappear forever....it's juz a matter of time.... i wish that tmr i get hit by a car and die on the spot.

bye.

i'll remember u.

2006-03-29T17:41:00.000+08:00

i dedicate this song to two ppl i know....one very close.....and another i wanna get to know better...hoping that i could help to heal that person from previous hurt....to let the person know what's it like to have ppl who care for u....that despite bad experiences....we have to pick ourselves and sart over again.....i hope that this person would accept me and learn to trust me too...reveal themselve to me....and not be scared or hurt anymore......that i'll be that person's good friend in a long long time. yea... ahem...the word baby is not for the one very close to me...it's for u know...yea... :)

It has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
cause what we had can't be replaced
don't let our memories fade away
keep me in your heart for always

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what you're goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday
Even though we go seprate ways

You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
You stood right by me
through the tears through everything

I'll remember yooooou,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for yooooou,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

If the day should come when you need someone
(you know that i'll follow)
I will be there
Don't ever let there
be a doubt in your mind
'cause I'll remember you, you

I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you

Forever baby, I'll remember you

2006-03-22T17:45:00.000+08:00

this is impt...so i'm blogging....i'm on the break of ending something that is mine...smart ppl would know what i'm refering to.

when ur friend is down
u can't tell
even by her saddest face,
u haven't got a clue
u leave her by herself
wondering about her purpose
only seeing that she's useless...
sliping away into the dark
she cries alone and uncomforted
with no one to share her pain....

hmm....forgot to say..that is copy right
and i wanna make this clear...
u know who u r. i dun want to name ppl. i know u dun care about me. u dun have to put on an act. cos i can see right thru u. from the way u talk to the way u push me away delibrately. if i knew u were like that....i rather spent my recess with someone more worth while. PLEASE DUN ACT LIKE U'R MY FRIEND, I KNOW THAT IN UR HEART U HATE ME. IT'S CALLED INSINCERITY AND I REALLY HATE THAT. so juz disappear into obvilion.

this is for another person....very close to me. i wanna thank u for always being there for me...thru my toughest time...but....u dun really have to go thru all this if u dun want...there stuff i wished i told u...but i'm afraid of what u'll say...talking on the phone is fun...i juz wish i had more time to... :( u dun have to listen to my crap too....if u do not want...juz tell me and i'll give u space....

one more thing...since the world has closed its doors to me....i shall close the doors of my life to it too....

goodbye...see u in the other world.........

IMPT NOTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 PLEASE READ. THANKS!!!

2006-03-14T19:14:00.000+08:00

as u ppl know...i'm having a party for my 16th b'day...i dun think it'll be too nice to post the list of invited ppl on friendster. so juz look at my blog for the latest updates for my b'day. YES! this is very impt!! please please come for my b'day party!!!!!!!!!!!

THE INVITATION LIST:
1. SAMANTHA LEE
2. GRACE YOW
3. SAMANTHA TAY
4. GRACE CHEW
5. LYNETTE FOO
6. SUZANNA CHIANG
7. PAULINE NG
8. JOCELYN JOCKIM
9. KOH YU PEI
10. ANGIE HO
11. ANGIE FERN
12. JILLAN (CYF)
13.VALERIE (CYF)
14. JUDETTE(CYF)
15. FIONA (CYF)
16. GABRIELLE TAN
17. CLARISSA KANG
18. CHRISTABEL LIM
19. FELICA (CYF)
20. PEARLYNN
21. EUGENE HO
22. BENJAMIN GWEE
23. JEROME FROM ST. GABS
24. AARON CHIA
25. DARREN LIM
26. DARREN (CYF)
27. JOSHUA (CYS)
28. DANIEL GOH
29. SEBB KIERAN
30. WILLY(CYF)
31. OWEN/ BEN
32. XAVIER (CYF)
33. ALEX/ APY
34. SHAWN TEO
35. ANDREW (CYF)
36. CESARIUS
37. ETHELBERT (CYF)
38. GREG [CYF]
39. KENNETH CYF]
40. MARCUS [CYF]
41.JEREMY[CYF]
42. GERALD [CYF]
43. PERRY[CYF]
44. LUCAS [CYF]
45. GILBERT [CYF]
46.NICOLAS [EUEGENE HO'S FRIEND]
47. JOACHIM [CYF]
48. ALVIN [CYF]
49. LESTER [CYF] OR [BRO'S FRIEND]
50. PHOENIX LEOW
51. ZENA QUEK
52. STEPH CHUA
53. SHARMAINE SOH
54. JANIS [CYF]
55. KOH YU PEI
56. STEPH QUEK
57. ___________
58_________

mummy...

2006-03-11T22:51:00.000+08:00

At age 8 your mom buys you an ice cream. You
thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.

When you were 9 years old, she paid for music
lessons. You thanked her by never even bothering
to practice.

When you were 10 years old she drove you all day,
from soccer to football to one birthday party
after another. You thanked her by jumping out of
the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, she took you and
your friends to the movies. You thanked her by
asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, she warned you not
to watch certain TV shows. You thanked her by
waiting until she left the house.

When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that
was becoming. You thanked her by telling her she
had no taste.

When you were 14, she paid for a month away at
summer camp. You thanked her by forgetting to
write a single letter.

When you were 15, she came home from work,
looking for a hug. You thanked her by having your
bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, she taught you how to drive her
car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you
could.

When you were 17, she was expecting an
important call. You thanked her by being on the
phone all night.

When you were 18, she cried at your high school
graduation. You thanked her by staying out
partying until dawn.

When you were 19, she paid for your college
tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags.
You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the
dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of
your friends.

When you were 25, she helped to pay for your
wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply
she loved you. You thanked her by moving halfway
across the country.

When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to
take care of her. You thanked her by reading about
the burden parents become to their children.

And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything
you never did came crashing down like thunder on
YOUR HEART.

If you love your mom, repost this
bulletin. If you don't... then you deserve to get
your eye scooped out with a fork

2006-03-08T19:31:00.000+08:00

these people think i dun know
when they talk about me behind my back
speaking with their obnortious nose turned up
acting like they are so great
when they aren't even dust worthy
but the walls have ears and
the sky has eyes
they have told me stories
of all the stuff u said

so i juz wanna say....
i hope u go to obvilion
may u disappear forever
u have taught me to harden my heart
and close my life
i thank u for nothing
for u destroyed my immaculate purity

i watched u from a far
speaking like u're that great
betraying the trust of many
and pushing the blame to other
always trying to make urself the hero
when actually
u were the villain all along

so i juz wanna say....
i hope u go to obvilion
may u disappear forever
u have taught me to harden my heart
and close my life
i thank u for nothing
for u destroyed my immaculate purity

where were u all the times i had needed u?
u left me alone there, cold
freezing in the coldest winter
i trusted u
and u hurt me
all these things i've never said.
i kept this all in my heart
thinking u would change
but u never did

so i juz wanna say....
i hope u go to obvilion
may u disappear forever
u have taught me to harden my heart
and close my life
i thank u for nothing
for u destroyed my immaculate purity

so i hope u get it
and dun crying for when u lose

copyright of amelia

2006-03-07T16:55:00.000+08:00

i hate u. u know who u r. i never want to talk or see u again in my life. i mean it. seriously. i dun care about u at all...u can go jump off a building, not a single tear would fall from me for u. so go away and leave me alone. like i said. i HATE you. i dun care how bigshot u r going to be next time and i dun care where u're gonna end up. i no longer know u. in my eyes....u are already DEAD. so go dig ur grave. burry urself in it and never come out.

2006-03-06T18:47:00.000+08:00

i love u rachel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u're the best person in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha....yea. so today is the first day of the war...i wun tell u wad i did...but yea. so i ahd fun with joyce and rache....went for recess with them...but after i finish eating and talking to grace.....joyce disappeared....so i juz bought a drink and walked...saw mossy...talked to her...yay! SHE SAVED MY LIFE..! let start with the begining of this very day. went to class...i tell u i sat in the same place again...haha...so it'll be mr teh disturbing me so i won't fall asleep... X))))) anyways..he went for phototaking...come back only have 15 min...i pity him man....our class is pretty weak...need all the extra lessons we're suppose to have. yea...i'm failing my english...so i'm really sad...44.5...i tell she has seriously a problem with me...it's always failed me by 0.5 mark one...dun even let me move up a band..i'm scared to do badly..so i'm gonna study for 'o' s like soon. my study advisor would tell me. fyi...my study advisor is free...won't tell u why. so i gotta file all my stuff by this week, pass up my english file, study for physics, remember to write letters and stuff...loads of things to do. i love being busy....i hate to be idle cos i waste a lot of percious time. yups...i think i'll write more stuff some other time...

addios

2006-03-05T20:23:00.000+08:00

in our course of human life we tend to make certain mistakes that offend other people. however what we do not understand is that it's pretty hard sometimes to see the fault in us. we tend to blame other people for mistakes that were clearly ours. we have to always remember that the fault does not lie in only one person...but in everyone. yea...i know i sound kinda chim...but seriously i dunno where that all came from...i only know it came from somewhere in my being. yea... i know that sometimes i dun see my faults...but sometimes i realised that i put the whole blame on myself..when it actually isn't. so yupps.

2006-03-05T17:28:00.000+08:00

weeeeeeeeee.....this is my 100th post....wow i din know that i used my blog for sooo long. anyways......here's a clue on what i want for my b'day....penguin....haha....i think only a few ppl know what i want lar...a penguin stuff toy...but seriously i prefer pigs to pengiuns...they are like way cute...so a pig would be better...but i have a pig beanie baby liao...and it has a jacket too X))) haha. blinding green font....muahahahahha....someone's a little bad...hehe...
anyways...........................tmr there's skool like usual.................................................what a drag....hanging out with rache and all....she's my good and loyal friend and i lover her to bits...juz like how she loves me and all my other friends in class to bits too!!! hehe. so yea, might not be eating recess....i dunno...dun feel like it...so maybe i'll pack recess?? depends... so yea... can't wait for my b'day........invites are pending....discussion in progress....the only thingu need to expect is lots of ppl and lots of food and games...i think i'll be asking mag to help me...maybe nirasha...might be inviting my whole class....quite close to my class...maybe some ppl dun invite lar...and most cyf ppl invited too........ hold on.....thea's a lot of invites....plus the boy to girls ratio is off......... AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! haha...nevermind...i'll sort it out...rache can help me with invite...and lynn too...haha...yupps...that's it for the hundredth post.

ciao!

2006-03-04T20:15:00.000+08:00

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!! U PPL KNOW WHO U R. WHY ARE U ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE MY LIFE DIFFICULT FOR ME?!! CAN'T U LEAVE ME THE FUCKING HELL ALONE SO THAT I CAN GO AND DIG A BLOODY HOLE TO BURRY MYSELF IN AND BLOODY DIE THERE?! ARGH!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-04T12:52:00.000+08:00

wake up wake up wake up! cherish's eyes shot up wide open. she look around and a clock caught the corners of her eyes. she turned towards its direction....only to find out that it was only 6 in the morning. oh how she hated morning...the stupid sunrise and all the silly birds that make awful racket...always trying to make her life difficult.

she slugged herself into the bathroom...finnally some peace and serenity from the mob of a world outside these four plain walls. she sat down....nearly breaking down into tears when she remembered all the things she had gone thru and have to face today....her friends turning against her, her skool people being sick little sluts and bitches she hated them all...every single person in her school only knew how to put her down and none could be trusted. she longed for someone whom she could always trust and rely on...but that was a dream fading off in the night as the day grew old and the nights began to die. after a somewhat cold shower she stepped out of the dodgy bathroom and slipped into her room, slamming the door behind her...she needed no one bugging into her life...especialy in the morn. she quickly change and went down. it was same old breakfast as far as she could rememeber.... a slice of bread and a cup of milo...that was it. nothing more. but it could always be less.... she eat in silence and escape the house...heading toward another problem in her freaking life...

school.

i am, i hate and i love

2006-03-04T10:57:00.000+08:00

I am a prisoner of my pain
I am a person living a life of shame
I am your daughter hiding my deep depression
I am your sister making a good impression
I am your friend acting like I am fine
I am a wisher wishing this hurt isnt mine
I am a girl who thinks of suicide
I am a teenager pushing their fears aside
I am a student who doesnt have a clue
I am the girl sitting next to you
I am the one asking you to care
I am your friend hoping you'll be there

I love him
I love his touch
I love his phone calls
I love his smile
I love his voice
I love that he always cares
I love ___________

I hate it how he wants to know
I hate it that I am scared
I hate my emotions
I hate suicide even though i want death
I hate my past
I hate this pain
I hate hurting him

I fear doctors
I fear emotions
I fear being alone
I fear this world
I fear life after school
I fear failure
I fear my mother
I fear opening up to him
I fear losing him

I want him
I want his touch
I want to feel his love
I want to feel his warmth
I want to get away
I want to escape my past
I want to open up to him

Yet still I wait for him.....

2006-03-03T17:56:00.000+08:00

*sighs* i dun like telling anyone my personal probs liao....it's always like that....when i thought i have finally found someone i can always count on and trust....that person would always let in down in one way or another....i'm closing the doors of my life to everyone liao....u won't know my personal life.....u'll juz be seeing it thru rose-tinted glasses...

get me away from this place....

2006-02-26T16:56:00.000+08:00

hmhm.....seems like a lot of ppl want to know about my life...well er....start with the self awareness camp...i am an angel lar...no no not the shut up angel...i have a mortal to look after. and apparently no one told me that i was suppose to that person a gift so i juz wrote a letter....cannot reveal her name...juz in case she reads my blog...then i die liao....but i dunno if she read lar. anyways...write letter for her...forgot to check of she wrote back...x)) hahahhaha....so later have to get something for her....i'm not the only one who forgot lar...got some other ppl that forget...giving on monday also...hehe so i have to remember to bring the prez on monday. anyways....i have two humango pimples on my face......shit sia...stupid camp...cause me to have pimples...not to mention the lack of sleep and nutition....haha...so now it's healing process. teehee. anyways ....going back to the camp...sam brought this keyboard...i was a bit addicted to it...kept playing it nonstop....haha....of course i'm not a piano player ...so my piano playing skills is a bit the lan....i kept playing that cannon song....u know the one ppl play at weddings...ya...then hmm...got there...play games....I LOVE WACKO man...seriously....it's the most fun game in the world....i tell u what happen...it was double whacko...my fren was suppose to say someone's name...but she forgot....so i was about to kerna whack..so moved backwards...rather slide backwards...and went as low as possible...so i was like clening the already clean floor..haha. X)))....so i'm the whacker lar....ppl call so many names...so i got disorientated....and juz stood there until i heard a person's name the was close to me...hit and that was it..haha...after that ...had a session...some sharing....find that we have a lot of stuff in common althought we are very different ppl...yupps..then had lunch...nice nice luch, jessica told the guides ppl to tell robert to go fly kite....his catering very lousy...we found a cheaper and better one. haha...i love my lunch man...and then we played dog and bone...damn fun. i'm the best at that game....quick reflexs...juz grab it and run..dun think...thinking would hold u back...have a guy's mind...very straight one. then would win...oops...i'm sharing this with everyone...well heck lar...

neways....we had this sharing session...but i din cry..it was tearing...when it was my turn i kept a lot of stuff inside...this was someting i din tell anyone....actually a lot of stuff...so i'm still wounded....never healed....kinda sad rite.....everyone cried...but i juz teared....so then....had some more games...being in the games comm means i dun get to play...but i dun mind cos i dun get dirty...all the flour...lucky i din play...i like the water bomb...cos i made them....and thre them without getting wet. hehe...damn fun...i had this double water bomb...i threw it at grace...it burst in her...i threw another one at sam...it burst on her..but then got a little bit of water left..she chase after me..i ran...and mia. hahaha..i threw 10 ballons man!!! fun..then ppl bathed....but i ate dinner..then bathe...bathe in the staff toilet...suppose to have hot water but then...i think that the heater thingy was broken...so yea..bathe in ice cold water...freeze to death. then mrs fam had her session....i was writing a letter to my mortal.. so then rush to listen to mrs fam...fell asleep before she finish...too tired. and then wash up..wrote letter, post letter, went to sleep...before that talked to eugene....ppl think that he is my bf lor...which is not true. we are juz close frenz. so talked to him for 30 min..that fellow was eating three apples man...so healthy...while i was eating animal crackers...everytime get the hippo...fine lar...the cracker say i fat now...no lar..anyway...my phone got delepted of funds...talk too long..went to sleep...ppl make a lot of noise hard to sleep.

woke up early the next morning ...u know why? BCOS SOME FREAKING INCONSIDERATE PPL WERE TALKING REALLY LOUDLY!!! so i was really pissed off. took the pillow..went to kitchen to sleep...then they came in kitchen to talk..talk even more fed up..went to lodge there to sleep. then juz gave up..went to bathe..yea i bathe in freezing cold water in the morning...can die....i nearly fell ill...u know...catching a cold...so then..had breakfast..three slices of wholemeal bread...with jam, potato chips, ceral...and one cup of mixed ceral..which aws honey stars, coco crunch, waffle crisp and one packet of milo...play with the keyboard, had the last two session. i was the clay...so i had to be 'mould' by all the other ppl in my class, quite fun...then some reflection..i cried cos i was remember of the very negative things.... then did some project thing..and then camp finish... wait for bro to send me home...and then sleep..cos i was really tired. i lve camp.

ciao

2006-02-25T22:37:00.000+08:00

hmm.....came back from self awarenwss camp.....when i came back i really needed to talk to someone ugently...at first i thought of this person.....but this person was not there for me...and then i tought of see saw....and er....want to talk...but then...i din want to disturb see saw...so yea....and then...i was being reminded of all the bad stuff that happened to me...so lost, so confused...wanted to cry....i tell u why i din't...i was in church....so yups. so talk later...gotta sleep

buh bye

2006-02-20T18:34:00.000+08:00

sighs...today was a not so good day....even my really good friend ask me what's up...i say i'm fine. i tend to do that a lot nowadays...never wanting to let too many ppl know about my life, after finding out that some cannot be trusted, and are betrayers....it's quite sad actually, when u find out that someone u trust so much ends up betraying u in more ways than another. these ppl are traitors of trust and loyaltly....hold on....why am i talking about this crap....i should be talking to sam about this...only she can someone else can be trusted. yupps...and maybe a certain someone else....of course i trust that new someone cos the someone knows when to say stuff and when not to...yupps. even rache knows how to not tell ppl u know? yea... some friends some ppl r man... irritating man.

anyways.....today i woke up to discover that i have two huge blisters on my freaking legs. need i highlight that they are damn painful?? yea....very pain ful.... filled with fluid, i asked clara what the fulid is...she said that she dunno...so be it lar.. wanted to burst it....but when i was reminded of how painful it was the last time i did that, it sorta deterred me....but it's damn uncomfortable....stupid bnubble.....dunno if suppose to burst it ot juz leave it....X)) for now....so was playing with the stupid blister today...press press squeeze squeeze...kinda gross...but interesting... X)) now it's like a sagging blister...happens when u touch it too much, haha....naughty me. so yea...had a test too....geog...hard...din finish it...i hate pop studies...damn lame...ya...juz any old how do...there is this geog competition...signed up for it..cos i thoguht i would be fun...there's this ij superstar thingy...i might sign up for it...only thing is that i'm afraid i'm not good enough...but juz trying won't kill me...i guess. so i think i will sign up for it....tomorrow..definately...overcome my fears!!! i know some of my frenz won't support me, but i dun care, cos there are always some that will... :) yea....lynn and rache and joyce will supprt me...yupps...maybe i shoudl spent more time with them..they are after all better friends than SOME ppl...and will tell me their secrets too...yea....

there is this grp of my friends, ok maybe not group..juz two of them....they pand sei me...or what u call abandon me...so bad rite? they decide to do this thing without me...well i'm gonna show them that i do not need to depend on them. i have my own friends too. =) yea...some friends they are...well at least i got other loyal friends....who are 100 times nicer!!! haha. the power of comunication these days... X)) yea.

2006-02-16T18:49:00.000+08:00

ok...today is my day off from skool. and i am as lonely as ever. had to accompany my mum to the hospital for eye check up and stuff. pretty boring...the only thing that i did was to sit outside and wait for her...if only ttsh was more comfortable...i would have slept...but also cannot lor...b'cos i have to be watch dog...look after her handbag... stupid shit. then afterwards had to go for lunch before my haircut. yes ppl...ame got a stupid haircut...cos her hair was too long. my mum used me as her walking stick...so my shoulders are damn pain now...and she kept scolding me. ate at the food court...queue up three times...an i tell u arh..this stupid irritating woman cut my queue...say she was in the queue before me...i juz let her in b'cos i'm nice, besides, she'll probaly make my life diffcult if i dun...irritating sia...maybe i shouldn't be nice anymore lor...so irritating. and then hmm..went for haircut...read about shawn lee...yupps...again. well..he's cute lar..but then in that article, he din look too good...joshua looked better...but then i dun like joshua..so no matter what..i'll always find joshua ugly. and shawn will be always cute. after haircut, take taxi home cos mum can't walk. then have no key to go home. and seh kept blaming me, cos i din bring it, and that she can't depend on me to do things...i mean what kind of mother r u man?? everything u blame me, EVERYTHING i do is WRONG...everything u do is rite. so had to bring her to pay bills and j8 to buy drink. then i told her i really needed the rollerblades ugently. but then what happen? she scolded me again...she really has nothing better to do..i have reminded her over and over again that i really needed then, and she keeps on not bothering and scolding me....then my bro open the door, the gate was paddlocked, so i thought he went up to get the key. i got another scolding by my mum again... ver irritating one lor....scold me until my bro realise that the lock there...so he came down and unlock the door...

this whole day sux...the only thing i get is scoldings...later i will get more...everybody thinks that i dun put in effort, that i'm lazy, but it's not that....i put in a lot of effort...i concentrate so hard until my muscles forget how to relax...that's why i'm seeing a doctor, cos my muscles really cannot relax...and she keeps saying i never do anything...it's really annoying..i really wish that she will shut up for once, i'm damn stressed lar. so then, i have to study, and i have another problem no one know....it's short attention span, ad/hd.....it is...really...damn annoying...so i concentrate very hard...and for some time, like one hour, then i can't anymore...i'm trying very hard, but no one knows my pain.

u know....i'll be another of those sucidal cases...u'll see...in a few years.

peace.

2006-02-15T17:22:00.000+08:00

what's been on your mind ame?
well a lot of things....hopefully this font is readable....cos i really like it...not that i'm the only one who can read it....the o level results acually quite bad...which means that all the pressure is on my batch to do well...the average grade muz be a two for all subjects...quite stress. another thing....ppl think that i have a boyfriend....which is total crap cos i dun have one. i have guy friends, not boyfriends. which may be bothering me. cos my friend said to me today: i hunch but i still have a boyfriend, what about u? u dun even hunch and u have a boyfriend." i mean...she kinda has a point....SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH ME!!!!! argh....this is simply so annoying. fine...i'm not that pretty, i'm not that nice, i'm not that smart too....way to go for my ego man....no wonder i dun have a bf... :( yes ppl i am sad that i dun have a bf...but maybe it's good that i don't have one this year...need to focus on my studies...which reminds me...I DUNNO WHICH JC I WANNA GO TO....irritating sia....nj wants 6 points, anderson wants 8 points and cj this year want 11 points. i am in science stream mind u....let's see...if i go nj, only kkenneth is going, if aj, only grace if cj...a lot of ppl...the thing about cj is....i really WISH that ALL the PLs would not go there...besides fiahy, sam and pauline...all the others...i dun want to see their face there...will make my life difficult one lor...irritating sia. haha....but then i have a cca i wanna go in in nj...that's rite...hockey....if only singapore snowed...choy touch wood! then can practice at an ice skating rink...haha...well hockey is fun...or squash...hit ppl witht the ball!! hahaha...anyway...i pary hard that i get in nj...go cj first, then transfer to nj...yea...but i not leader...a bit hard...and irritating. muz be leader in jc...prove to all u ignorant fools that i can be a leader too..cos i already am...

if u know me well...u would know why. :) yea...rite now not in the best of moods. i dun get it...why everytime my parents ACCUSE me of not doing any work, of not studying, when i actually am, and i try really hard. no matter how hard i try i will NEVER be as good as they want me to be, i'll never be the perfect child. i can't be like jermaine liu, i'm not perfect. i'm juz screwed up like every kid in the world and i long for someone to understand me....

peace.

2006-02-14T20:07:00.000+08:00

love flutters on angels wings
on this special day
where lovers bask in radiant beams
and hold hands tenderly
as they amber along the silken beach
how i wish i have someone to spent this day with
to feel the searing warmth
that everyone feels,

but me

chocolate, sweets, gifts, sprint from place to place
carried in disco paper bags
recieved with opened arms
but what's this?
none for me?
a soft tear glides down my delicate skin
as i brush it harshly off
trying my best
to think of those 'happy' times
which had stamped images in my heart

gliding home on feet of steel...
i realise a package upon my feet...
upon it a card
which read
: i'm sorry it's late
but i juz wanna let u know
i haven't forgotten about u
the girl inside my heart
happy valentine's day
i love u.

a frown quickly disappered
and a smile plaster across...
my heart is filled with
love.

happy valentine's day everyone.

How To Lose A Friend

2006-02-11T14:51:00.000+08:00

all it takes on your part
is a thoughtless deed, or a word without heart
To stir feelings of anger, hurt or pain
In another whose pride is so brutally slain
One remark leads to another,
and soon emotions are running high.
The agument finally ends, one having the last word,
The other, never again to reply
Each other's friendship, once held so dear,
Is now washed away, in a simple tear.
Thus in closing , there's nothing more to say.
Except to quote a phrase, whose advice i heed to this very
day
" Friendship is like glass, handle with care,
for once broken, it's hard to repair"

Ann George

2006-02-10T23:30:00.000+08:00

gce o level results were released. some cried, some sighed and other...were just too shocked to do anything. i juz found out that the jc i wanted to get into requires me to get six point...i juz wish for God to bless me....so that i may get that high. however....there is the problem of which jc to go to. i wanna go to nj because it's a very good jc and everything is good...hopefully the ppl too.....but i dun wanna lose contact with my friends who are intending to go to cj. my mum made em want to go to cj...but now....she tells me not to go to cj....i think i might go to anderson instead....they have 8 points for science admission, temasek has 7....*sighs* cj's would be 11 this year....so unfair...but i really wanna go cj...so mao dun. dunno what to do.....

2006-02-09T17:02:00.000+08:00

i feel us drift further apart
as the day grows old and
the feather-like hours have flown away
i begin to ponder...
if i am still of significance to u...
that if i'm even worth
the burdening price of percious dust
in ur murky eyes....
or am i juz a stark nobody already...
falling into an infinite pit
there is no way of any kind
that can be used for a deafeated escape...
i continue to fall aimlessly..
as u have been the final push
to shove me brutally back to where i
had oringinally been created from
i have stop seeing the good in everything.

goodbye.

*sighs* i dun think i'll ever get out of this vicous cycle of sadess...so juz let me bleed and die. need a penknife...really i do. gonna buy it on saturday....this may be the last of the girl u used to know....cos i have been killed by people whom i thought were my friends......

2006-02-07T17:37:00.000+08:00

so tired...so sick....of everything...and everyone. today is ok i guess....i was damn sick...can't even stay awake for one class and can't stop blowing my nose. sad lar. =( really want to see the doctor....but my mum say dun see...a bit the irritating rite? neways.....mr teh is like not coming until thurs....he going on some kind of course...and er..lit teacher went thru corrections for the pike...canno give out answers to ppl or she'll see us in court....bad rite?? haha...like why would i do that?? it's called stupidity u know...neways....cme teacher taught us what is intelligent behaviour....a lot of crap to me but good to listen and be like those things she mentioned. blah blah blah....had lunch with rache...and fast forward.....went home. type blog. and gonna sleep now. :)

2006-02-02T20:39:00.000+08:00

i hate my life...and i wish to go and die.

2006-01-31T17:29:00.000+08:00

Dream walked past me today.
Our eyes did no meet, she did not acknowledge me in anyway.

Weary and war torn soul
Hidden deep in the pocket of my coat,
Does not keep me warm; my socks do.

Music in that crystal thought. The gentle cadence of written word.

The body continues on without thought or direction.
A well contained machine that does not require oversight.

Who is to be the teacher?
The one who passes many secrets of the universe.
The wisdom of the ages.

Creativity the fickled Greek muse,
who is worshipped unorthodoxly,
carefully must dole out gifts to chosen prodigies.

The sun caresses the mountains gray blue form.
A most ardent of lovers-seeking favor every twenty-four hours.

Fatigue, the dry mantle settles over my eyes
Heavy pea soup fog comes drifting in
Tang of smoke and coffee, laced breath in and out
Soft blues in my brain

Quiet swish of fabric or click of doors
White, white light shines in
Gentle passing

The smell strong of fear and anger
Not many choices here
Drifting banshees sob the anguish of the lost

There is a simple sun ray
Secret language, translating codes
Existing incomplet within the machine

Warm, fluffy opium haze
The tide flowing in a womb
Clear icicle of time melting away

Beginnings and endings
Clatter and clacking of mag pies
infinite uselessness

Shallow thought, skimming alone the cortex.
Numbness crawls over dull eyes.
There is sadness so brittle it crushes bones.
Dreams do not grow in bitter wasteland
How much soul is left in a shadow?
Maybe prayers are lost within honeycombs.
Despair is wrung out of tears.
To lie would be kindness.
Truth slices thin ribbons of muscle from bone.
Hollow question of Why?
Secrets are a flush hand held in death.
The emotional disembowelment every day.

Liquid gray dreams
Droning static in my brain
Medicate to the point of dissimulation
What is there left of me?
Drive, desire, and despair are-gone.
A wind-up toy stumbling along at an uneven gait.
I am the good little girl that I should be.
I am sweetness, patience, and soothing.
Deep inside where the pretty pills don't go is sharp resentment.
What was wrong with Me?
What about what I want?
It's time for more happy pills, shiny pills, and the multi-color jewels of normalcy.

The tiny hole in my existence.
A pin prick within the fabric of my being.
Cold trickle of nothingness.
A simple key to a puzzle.
A mar on the smooth surface.
A wanting emptiness.
Hollow loneliness.
The nagging sense of unrest.

2006-01-31T13:01:00.000+08:00

hihi.......yesterday was damn boring....let me see if i can still remember what happened. o yea....i woke up at like....10+....my dad told me to eat and change....i did....and what happened???? he went to sleep...irritating sia.........so then my mum had to wake him up and i wore dangling earings. nice....wore a short skirt as usual...as in SHORT! yea....and it's not those tight ones...it's like...hmm...flare out..so hard time for me sitting down u know...i wore that skirt i bought from this fashion that time with paul and sam....yuppz. neways...my mum can't come cos she broke her leg last year.......yea. so reached there...hardly anyone there yet. ahd lunch, nothing much really...seriously. but it was ok...i used to that kind of food...been eating it for the past 16 years. no wonder i was really underweight one. damn skool food....makes ppl fat lar. :( neways....recieved 5 ang paos only...not fair....other have so many...o wellz, material wealth is nothing is guess. so then watched some tv, one of my cousins had dyed hair, and he spiked it up too....look so different. then, saw some old photos...of course i'm not in it....i'm too young, not even in liquid form. so unfair....i wish i had a twin lor....then won't be so lonely at home...A TWIN BROTHER PLEASE....then more fun....of course i can't be anti-sji anymore....cos most prob he'll be in sji....haha. anyhu....erm...had dinner there also...same as lunch. talked to eugene cos i was bored....damn phone kept making that beeping noise....muz have annoyed him...o wellz....then left... alleulia..................................went home...watched tv and then slept.

what a great day.

2006-01-29T21:07:00.001+08:00

juz wanna wish u all a happy lunar new year....xin nian kuai le, nian nian you yu, hao you man tian xia, chang yin he xin sui. gong xi fa cai.

2006-01-28T17:37:00.000+08:00

no one cares for me.........i really dun see the point of living. i dun even have a shoulder i can lean on when i'm down. i used to think that there'll always be someone there for me. i was wrong. no one care....really. let's juz say....i feel a little neglected. i wish that ppl won't take me for granted....it's annoying. i can decide to cut myself from the world anytime i want. the world is full of LIARS! ppl who say that they'll always be there for u.....are lying. i hate the world!

2006-01-28T00:15:00.000+08:00

sent in this world
with no place to go...
she stands there alone
one person...
to to the rest of the world.
with no one to share her pains
nor anybody to share her joys with...
she walks alone
on the harded earth...
the sea came and swalloed her...
bringing her into the murjy depths
of the unknown
there she seeked solitude
from a world of liars
and backstabbers
spinning a cocoon round herself
she shuts out herslelf totally...
taking her life from inside it...

upon the rusty penknife there lies bloody stains
of that whoch came from her
the countless scars on her arms
reminded her of the woes of life...
with juz one slash...
she cut deeply..
saying goodbye to the world...

GOODBYE....

2006-01-26T16:58:00.000+08:00

it's one day before the chinese new year celebration..damn excited but then cny is damn boring...not like my ang bao so much like that...it's pathetic lor....sad lar. neways, was plaaing to go out with ben, paul and eugene tmr..but that little boy cannot make it...so nvm...dun blame him anyways. but still going out with paul and sam...going arcade..best lar....ddr rox...i'm improving..very good. and today miss tan had a talk with us...ok lor. have a student lounge...some silly ppl wanted a sleeping corner...i wanted a snack machine...best man...can go eat snacks all the time...and carpet...nice and colourful one.. :)) i like the cyber cafe idea...some person thought of inviting burger king to our skool to sell food...like the americans. so i'm like.... THAT'S WHY THE AMERICANS ARE SOOOOOO FAT U SEE....FAST FOOD ALL THE TIME... yea...but i like burger king lar...but dun eat so often...think i'm growing fat liao.. :( run 600m for PE...can die..so unfit...so tired after running, so i have to exercise more regularly...yupz...if only someone want to run with me...i dun think my dad can and i'm not comfortable running with my bro....so fierce one. so yupz.. play traditional games... I ROCK AT FIVE STONES!!!!!! but then i suck at black white...and i can't play marbles and the thingy with the feathers...suppose to hit with the leg one...stupid sia....i think boys better at playing them....they suck at five stones lar...and zero point...it's so simple...haha. neways...where was i? o yea...

the chem test was damn hard lar...stupid test...i guess i din study enuff...which means i must study harder...I MUST GET 6 POINTS FOR MY O' LEVELS!!!!!!!!!!! MUST MUST MUST!!! then maybe i can get a new phone...i dunno have a mp3 liao...a new phone would be good...jc present lar...my english sux, the english teacher gave me 2/13...sux lar...damn strict, everything also ONE BIG FAT ZERO.... zoe thought it looks like eggs...lol. and mass practice was damn long...needed to get off early to give someone's prez....kaypo...haha...at least i practiced the song...i think my voice monotone when i sing high...sing auto better....easier....but cannot auto 2 cos my voice cannot take it...it will go one...so have to sing higher...yupps. tired sia... what should i wear tmr arh?? red? pink? orange? yellow? see first...whichever one i have i wear..not red...red for visiting...look nicer...yupz...i got three sets lor...hopefully vistiting on third day also...

juz found out...i'm free on monday..sad lar.. :( yupz..and i need 7 POINTS TO GET A NEW PHONE....so WORK HARD AME!!! yupz...still deciding between nj and cj..if i go cj i have a lot of friends...but if i go nj...i will do better...but cj makes me a nicer person...nj juz makes me smart...aiyah... see first lar...get 8 points then say...stupid shit lor. so i have to peak after prelims...midyear i have to get at least a b3 for every subject and for prelims at least an a2 for each subject..so i dun need to make such a huge jump see...can i will be able to maintain it better. and.. I WANT TO JOIN SASA...WAH!!!!!!!!! want to be very busy...but noot go training for friday if i join.... :(...i know it's very tireing to do 100 laps....but i'm up to the challenge....really. i muz be better than my siblings...so that they dun look down on me... :( yeaps. so neways.....i tired liao...sugar rush...and hungry...so laterz then...

a bottle of smiles to give u eternal happiness. :)))

2006-01-25T16:49:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY EUGENE!!!!!!!!!!!

x)) haha....ok...wanted to pass him his prez from someone today but then he had npcc...couldn't come. grace also wanted to give...tsk tsk...make two girls wait for him...haha...nevermind lar. haiya...i'm becominmg too nice liao...muz be mean a bit sometimes...but can't one...only to yow lar...she's the only one i can be mean with...i think she dun think i'm mean also..sad rite?? but good lar...not nice to be mean. neways...i scold ppl also they dun think i'm scolding...*tear* cham liao lar... no wonder i cannot make ppl listen to me...need to be fierce cannot be so nice...sux lar...neways...i have a chem test tmr...buh bye :)

2006-01-22T18:39:00.000+08:00

penknife....need it...can't say for what. u juz need to know...i'm fine....

2006-01-21T00:09:00.000+08:00

yo man...today was an ok day. i forgot what i had for first period. a bit short term liao...oh i remembered....i had my physics test. not that hard...u know why?? cos i studied. i am hardworking!! :) rite ame...keep reassuring urself. neways...it was ok except for...the linear magnification. forgot whether it's image over oblect or object over image.... x)) haha...neways...add and e maths...so boring...talk about the differciation thing. silly. then have chinese. even more boring. u know why? cos it is oral practice. lame. and her voice so sharp...hurt my ears...irritating. after that recess. had it with my best freinds paul and suz. paul told me suz know i'm having a b'day party....but she want to hear it personally from me. so i told her. i'm a good friend u know... :)) and of course i'm inviting her...she is my best friend... and i'll be inviting loads of ppl....*coughs*cyf*coughs* , the ppl from skool are like very little...i only know part of what i want to plan. neways...after recess...had chem. sat with sam. then had geog. geog teacher din come...which is very good!! cos a lot of us dun like her. so the another teacher relieved. a few of my friends were late...kerna booked by teacher. then had english...sux man...english teacher damn fierce. make me stand up...and alien answered the question before me. her english powerful man...i answer 2nd. i want to sit wad...haha...so then she talk talk talk....comment and wadeva...then lesson end.

then ate my lunch...one silly little pizza.... x)) and then had mass pract...sing until mouth pain...then went for guides. din go for fall out...silly lor. talk crap one. ate dinner, bathed, went for cyf...

had this boring talk that nearly made me sleep...then went macs, ate, drank and went home. :)

♥ even the ugliest rose has thorns ♥

2006-01-18T19:20:00.000+08:00

damn tired today sia....i had chem pract lor...diez. neways had this talk thing in assembly. haha...about b.o. it was quite lame. but ok lar...free stuff. :) today i kerna scolding for short term mem...actually my mem not short...it depends on what i remember..like picture or music...u know... sux man...tmr have no cable....which means that i can't play comp...but shouldn't cos i have to study for physics...damn stress. today went to skool rite?? first period is ss. i forgot to bring my ss w/s luckily my teacher din scold me. and i left my calculator in the locker...yupps...cannot do a-maths...and can't go take it back cos my classroom level having major cleanning. damn gross lor, the cement is coming off...so they every day have to sweep it away. stupid lar. and today had chinese...wanted to sleep. do compre...but i heard the test is damn hard lar...so super stressed. super duper actually. i'm not good in chinese...and this year i want to get an A for it...everything must get A. english, chem, physics, geog, a-maths, e-maths muz all get A...and chinese muz get A! it's relevant sunject. ss/lit muz get distinction!!! chem, e-maths, a-maths, physics all get A1. so damn stress. today had english test somemore. triple stress, compre lor din finsih writting lor. luckily cambridge accept pencil writting too...hopefully my english teacher can read it. and i'm damn tired to day also.

next monday wake up at 5.30am...have to get gd seat in class...from now on every monday have to wake up at 5.30. then...e-maths...ok lar...someone abandon me...it's ok one lor....luckily i'm tall u know...i hate sitting at the back u know. go abck to chem pract...damn hard sia. do titration. i did it 4 times cos one time my thingy became pink...too acidic. so wrong. for the first time in all my chem life i was inaccuarate, so sad rite....shows u how good of a chem student i am rite?? hahas...yups...did so much stuff for chem and then i went to study with paul and sam. then sing a bit..then discuss about my b'day party...yes ppl i'm gonna have a b'day party.... ON THE 8TH OF JUNE!! SO BE THERE OR BE TRIANGLE!! haha...no lar...i only invite ppl i want to invite. which is my friends in skool and all the cyf ppl...haha. yups:) that's all...buh bye

2006-01-17T18:01:00.000+08:00

i dun want to write about my life...ppl complain i put names inside...then wad u want? john and jane doe?? haha. so today.....went to school. first lesson lightning in physics. quite interesting...u know... i like visual stuff...video, ppt, pictures. yup..so i can remember all pictures i've seen. best if it's moving pictures. so lightning nice....wonder why it's always jaggered, don't u? did about electricity...a bit the boring. but ok lar....then go maths...haiya..my maths teacher talk about sji and acs guys to help us understand the concept of locus. please lor....ij girls strating to ot like sji guys. firstly, they are proud. second, they are insensitive. third, theya re juz a bunch of losers. and acs is worse then them. so dun talk about it. the other catholic boys skool guys are nicer lor...haha. like st gabs got one....last time i went...they are damn nice. the scouts. the help u do stuff...dun complain one. and accecpt ppl's criticism. very good rite? i know...somemore last year got one shuai ge scout...haha. remind me of my classmate though.

2006-01-14T15:09:00.000+08:00

thanks matchbook romance for that song...yes people u get to hear about my life again...i really wonder what would he say if i told him not to go and take my hand and never let go.... and no i can't tell u who it is. it is not eugene for sure...we're juz friends...the other things u hear are the scandals. no offence. so i wonder who could mend my broken heart....sfter i ound out a certain something about it i was heartbroken but i should move on. why is it so hard for me to forget him then? i mean he's juz a guy....and we are almost the same person who go throught almost exact same lives and experiencing the same thing....except for one thing. he could find love but i couldn't. i'm juz hopeless. every one says that i should concentrate on my studies. but there's juz something more important than that. and that is the condition of my heart....it's breaking...

i've never had this kind of feeling before...that weird sense that i have been rejected. someone has to catch me....becos i'm falling...when i fall i will crash hard.
counting stars wishing i was ok
crashing down was my biggest mistake
i never meant to hurt u
only did what i had to do
counting stars again

yea..i really wish i was ok...the stars in the sky are endless...no matter how hard i wish upon a star...my wish won't come true... why must i be like this? why can't i forget it....i wished i never layed eyes on him....but it's too late...juz like a good friend of mine said....i need someone to fill up this emptiness within the darlest room of the very depths of my soul...and being...

why does hello sound like goodbye?? like i'll never see u again or talk to u...or like the instant coldness i get from u...i never thought i would say this....but please dun...please dun leave me...i really need u...only u dunno that yet...but i will tell u in due time...juz not now.....i feel like ive lost everything...........all that's left is my body....

i feel the world on my shoulders
and my life crumbling
i throw myself over a building
to find out that i'm already dead
if i touch a burning fire i can feel no pain
then why do i still feel this warm tears
gently slipping down my cheeck?

2006-01-14T15:07:00.000+08:00

What would you say if I asked you not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
Would you take my hand and never let me go
Promise me you'll never let me go

And now the stars aren't out tonight,
But neither are we to look up at them
Why does hello feel like goodbye?
These memories can't replace,
These wishes I wished and dreams I chased
Take this broken heart and make it right

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

I never thought I'd be the one to say
Please don't, well please don't leave me

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

You're not making this easy (easy, easy, easy...)

Take my hand and never let me go,
Take my hand and never let me go,
Promise me...
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
Make this last forever

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy

I'll fall asleep tonight, 'cause that brings me closer to you

memories astray II

2006-01-11T19:12:00.000+08:00

it was yet another day. cherish had woke up to someone calling her name. she rose sleepily from her bed and streched. before going back to lie down on her bed...juz five more minutes she thought to her herself. but before the five minutes was up, her grandmother had already woken up. assuming that cherish was still asleep, she went to the bathroom quickly and quietly. not wanting to be noticed. cherish waited paiently for her grandma to emerged from the bathroom so that se may be able to use it. the bathroom has changed, juz like her house and the ppl in it. hearing the dor slide open, cherish was brutally pulled away from her train of thoughts. gaining speed with every step, she went into the bathroom. without the cabinets to put her towel in, she used a hanger to hang them. somehow this morning was also cold, juz like how she was feeling. she longed for the warmth that came from a family. unforunately she has not got it yet. thinking that it was drawing late, she quicly stepped into the shower. the water was hot, juz how she liked it.the minutes flew by, like birds in a flock. soon it was time for her to get out of the shower. she stepped out, the air arround her felt cold, like the sea breeze as she stepped back to the warmth of her room. or what was left of it.

taking not long to change into her school uniform, she couldn't get teh thought of going back to the long forsaken skool for classes. st mary's insitute for girls. it sent shivers down her spne. the girl, the teachers, the everything. the only thing that brightened her day was her good friends. both from another class and her new one from another class too. she hated her class. the people there was loved to clique to each other. whereas she was mostly left all alone. she could not understand why of all school she had to go to this one. this so called school...to her it wasn't skool. it was a prison. cherish quicly made her way down, ignoring the thoughts of how bad the day was. sitting and stoning away at the dinning table, she was thinking of the one guy that she like.......jamy....... she knew that they were not meant to be bcos he was already in a relationship... how could it be that two people life which was so similar as though they were the same person could not be together?? she shoved that thought to the back of her mind as she stuffed the piece of cake down her throat. afterwhich she dashed out of the house at the speed of light.

phew i reached school on time, she thought. making her way to class, she left her things in the locker.......which conviently was at the bottom of the most bottoms. reminding her of something which sank to her bottom of her heart. the only thing that cheered her up was the gift that a friend of hers got her...pink, fluffly and extremely edible. the bell rang...waking her up from her own world. she scurried to class, the first period. chemistry. the teacher's voice was drowning, putting her to sleep every minute. however having a passion for it, she did not fall asleep, juz merely yawned. time ran fast her like a speeding marathronist. soon, it was time for recess, her favourite subject of all time. she waited for her friends to come but they never showed up. dreading the worst that she might be alone, she went down to the canteen. there she saw her friends. and was quite furious with them for ditching her again. she asked for an explaination and got one. but being her best friends they waited for her to get food and still sat with her. recess was ending, and she was enjoying the mini pink cloud in her hands. it tasted sweet, juz like a little bit of heaven. all good things must come to an end and recess was over in the blink of an eye. it was back to her homeroom she went. to discover that she had no place to seat. she felt like crying, never feeling SO ALONE in her life. she wanted to run...run from all of it and never come back. the last bell rang and school was over. she quicly got out, never feeling any happier. it had been a long hard day.

now it was time to let it all out. cherish joined her best friend Launy for a day ouy in the heartland. they went from shop to shop browing new clothes for launy. they found it...bit she would have to buy it later. it was late afternoon and cherish hasen't eaten yet. her stomach grew hungry and yearned for food. launy and her approached a foodcourt, where they had their lunch. after that, they took a bus and went home. back to 13 advenue. with her home waiting foe her. calling her to enter.

memories astray

2006-01-08T17:25:00.000+08:00

it was the early morn..Cherish awoke to a stormy morning. the weather so cold, the sky so dark...and her surroundings......ever so cold. she rose from her bed and took a look at her phone, it read one msg recieved. she unlocked her phone to see who it was that msged her. it turn out to be her friend terry. asking about a person he like. she answer him and tried to go back to bed. but to no avail. reluctanly she dragged herself away from the comforting warmth of her bed. she could overhear her siblings talking in the dining room about things she could never be bothered with to know. hearing the radio blasting from her step brother's room...she went in to retrieve her cd. got into her parents room. tried shutting the door. but it was fruitless. she moved the magnets and things that stuck by the doorframe. but still the door was unable to close.

too late. she's been noticed by her evil sister. who gave her a sisnister glance. she quicly shut the door and locked it. breathing out a sigh of relief...she approached the hi-fi set. push in the plugs and turn it on...searching for the songs she wanted on her cd...she chose tong hua...a song about the love of a guy for a girl. after listening to it...she juz stayed there and listen on to the next few songs. that was it. and she left the room. proceeding down to the dining area where she was to have her breakfast. but not having the mood after hearing wat was for breakfast, she went to the computer. and played a game...a escaping role playing game. she had won when her friend laurene asked her how to play it...she explained it to her and they both escaped the depths of that weary game. afterward...cherish was hungry. looking at her breakfast again..she din see anything wrong with eating it. in a few minutes, she had finished it. cherish's mother was wheelchair bound for this few month, which meant that cherish had to do some work around the house which was usually hard when her idoitic siblings were at home. this time they weren't.

cherish returned to the computer soon after her breakfast. surfing the web and look ing for interesting stuff. after a while she found a ringtone website. which gave her the ringtones she wanted. although her mother pestered her to do her homework. she ignored her crow like calls of reminder. she always hated being reminded of things to do becos this was her life. and she should be in charge of it not someone else. this matter frustrated her. however, it did not get her off the computer. which she soon will be off once dinner approaches.

the sky as dark as night. nearly as dark as how she was feeling. down most of the time. somehow the sky would always refelct how she is feeling at a particular chapter of time. rain or shine, thunder or lightning. most of it reflected on her. she watched the sky wantingly, feeling the urge of running in the rain rise within her body. she could feel how nice it was fro the tiny little raindrops to touch her body..pitter patter, that relaxing sound of rain. that could calm even the seven seas. but as time drew near, cherish realised that she had to soon get off the computer. or she will be in very deep trouble. fixing all the things she needed on the computer. she finished. and saved it. clicking the switch off button, the monitor turned off.

it was time to do her homework. caculas hasn't started yet and she was lucky for that. tmr would be another long day for her at st marys insitute for catholic girls. until then she will have to wait for her chace at the computer.

end of chapter one.

2006-01-08T17:08:00.000+08:00

weeeeeeeee lalala....ok ok...dun talk about my life ok? would u rather the life of erm...i dunno...some one????????? ok..i will put my life in another blog which u will never find
as for this blod...it's for crap
ok?
like holidays and stuff like that...no me in it. ya.

2006-01-07T20:59:00.000+08:00

yo yo yo! what's up?? haha...well nothing much, besides the celling if that's what u mean...lol. guess who's sick? me! yer...i got everything on the list, fever, flu, cough, sore troat, indigestion, vommiting, diaorreal, headache, muscle aches and hmm....i dunno...that's it i guess...so i skipped the first day of school...how sad.. :( wellz...stayed at home and zzzzzzzzz then went for cyf...eugene was suppose to intro me to this guy that likes me...but o wells...he's late as usual...for someone who lives close to church u sure do come late for stuff in church lol...neways...had this amazing race thing...do until want to die lar... then went to macs after cyf...then eugene intro me to his friend...this person thought it was a bit the guo fen...or very guo fen cos that guy was not good looking...no offence...but i agree he's not good looking..maybea bit the guo fen lar...i really so ugly meh?? oh..how sad u know...it's time to go back to liking guys which i have no chance with...haha...at least maybe next time there might be a chance. i mean i dun normally judge ppl by their looks...but sometimes u juz can't take it u know...haha...neways...maybe he's a nice guy?? we could stay as friends.. :) yea...

so today i went for mass...still sick...had my stupid bro and sis to deal with my my stupid idoit bro's gf...i can't understand why can't they LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I HATE ALL OF THEM...THEY ARE A HUGE PAIN IN THE BUTT AND NECK!!! argh....always throwing my stuff instead of theirs and always bugging me at the most inapporiate time...hate them forver man....i wish they move out the house and never come back..mean? well it's not mean enuff if u'r dealing with them...argh....

neways..went for mass today..talked to pauline...went back home...paul still thinks that i like ahem...and she pointed him out to me and i was like...ewwwwwwwwwwww!! ya...cos he's gross now...and no he is not with the person we thought he is with...haha...neways i gtg now...bye

2006-01-04T21:37:00.000+08:00

lalala...not angry at ppl liao...and i have a secret admirer...no ppl...*coughs*aaron*coughs* it's not eugene...that is rubbish...haha...so i'll see him this friday...remind to tell eugene about my holz...and erm...stuff...friday bring thermometer...and er...i like my blog background so shut up and i like my blog song too...pauline link u liao and aaron...change ur auntie nick...haha
that's all...
bye!

2006-01-03T17:08:00.000+08:00

haha...today is the start of skool....i saw rache again...that was fun...and u might want to know that i'm still sitting beside mag and zoe...zoe is ok but the prob is mag cos she is a little distracting for me...no offence mag..and now i'm quite angry at my two best friends....makes me hate my skool sometimes...like why can't i have gone to a mixed skool? geez....girl scare me or freak me out sometime....u see kim on america's next top model?? i am something like her...no male up...the only things i know how to put are eyeliner, eyeshadow and lip gloss...i'm serious....worse than pauline cos she can put on mascara... xD neways...i'm angry at suz and her...like qi dao mei wan mei liao.... i always wait for her for recess and today she blew me off with suz too...i shoulda moved on when i had the chance too in sec 3....forget about her like how she's forgeting about me.....i hope it's not too late....the only thing is i get on well with zoe but she hangs out a lot with her vietnam friends...mag prefers nirasha, the red cross girls are great....but soemtimes they have no feelings...i mean not clara...but the others...no offence....rache doesn't eat recess most of the time...which means on tue and thurs i might have to have packed recess cos she wants to see miss koh...poor me... boo hoo...serious boohoo....wahwah...ya....i dun wanna mix with grace cos i dun wanna be influenced by her...u know what i mean...not necessarily bad...but juz not used to it ok?? feel a bit the extra...extra invisible....and i dunno....gabby is ok...but our interests clash real bad...and ya....sam hangs out with her own frenz and that's like about no one left....sad rite...this suck big time....i wished i went to anderson or something ok...like hmm........chung cheng high? commonwealth? nan hua? gan eng? holy innocents?? yer i like holy innocents...should have gone to that one.... :( sad sia....

at least rache was a kind soul and let me have recess...accompany me....ya..with joyce and lynn...those are good friends...but they have to always talk to miss koh...geez....i want recess lor...i know i might seem a little selfish...i'm trying to correct that...so i'll go with them to see miss koh but 10 mins before recess end i go buy food....yea good plan. haha...full of ideas...i din get in class com...and i wanted to be in so bad....fine....it's the end of the world then...at least for my world... sad day at skool...u could guess i'm not happy rite?? haha...evern vanessa T could tell i not happy...look at me at the bus stop can ask if i'm ok...haha....even she can tell...but being the great actor i am...i said no....why would i say yes?? haha....i can always pretend i'm ok....depends on how good u are as my friend to tell if i'm not...like tony...not from singapore....my friend antonio from the carribean...he can tell man...that's scarry...i say i'm fine...he knows i'm not....which is damn good....though he has this obessesion with cheesecake...which is quite diao....haha...neways he's great...good guy.. but short...cos he's my height... anyways....enuff about tony haha....... now on to other stuff....guess what??

i took the wrong bus..the 59 suppose to go to bishan but i took the one that went to changi village....so toot...then have to drop outside the swimming complex there and wait next one.... wait so long until eugene came back from his skool...which is long....so i was shocked to see him lar...haha never see in skool U wad... i look better in my skool u now.... which means i should lose more weight....no ppl i am not anorexic....i juz have a bad habbit of skipping meals...and i lose weight with all that pushing of my mum in the wheelchair...she broke her leg so i have to wheel her around...good exercise :) which i might do today...to exercise...lose weight...good for body before ms teo weigh me...haha. neways...got fed up and took the mrt instead,,,no appiteite to eat..juz ate a waffle....next time i'm buying my lunch from skool...skool food's great now...really..it's good... juz have to watch what i eat :P haha....and tmr no skool, thurs also no skool...friday go back...and i have to study really hard...wish me all the best and i'm not gonna eat lunch on friday...huge chance of that. even if i am anorexic...why would i tell u?? haha...relax i'm not....i juz skip meals when i dun wanna eat...yupps. bad for me i know... but IDC haha...

o wells...not everything goes according to plan...and i watch wallance and gromit already..haha

to ppl who let me down....especially ppl i called my friends and best friends...this is for u..
:
so thank u for showing me that best friends cannot be trusted and thank you for lying to me, ur friendship the good times we had u can have it back, cos when the tables turn again, u'll remember me my friend, u'll be wishing i was there for u. i'll be the one u miss the most but u'll only find my ghost, as time goes by u'll wonger why.....u're all alone....

dear boy...

2005-12-27T01:45:00.000+08:00

dear boy,

i do not know who you r, or where or when we will meet, but i do hope it's soon.

i pray that when we meet and fall in love, you will love me, for me, and not hope for someone who is thinner or prettier. i hope u won't compare me to girls who may have brighter smiles. i hope that u will make me laugh, take care of me if i get sick, and be trustworthy.

i hope that u remember that i prefer sunflowers to roses, and that my favourite colour is blue. please know that my eyes are not hazel, they are brown with maybe a little bit of hazel.

please know that i might be too shy to kiss u first, but please don't be afraid to kiss me. i won't slap u or push u away. i'm sure your kisses will be perfect. when we go on a date, please don't stress about where to take me, wat's important is that i'll be wif u.

if i cry, please know it isn't b'cos of u, juz hold me close, and i'll heal quickly. and, if it is b'cos of u, i'll heal juz the same.

and if we decide to break up, please underdtand that i may be bitter, but i'd like to be your friend if u let me. i promise to remember u have feelings too, even though u'll never admit it and when u r ready we'll have a friendship.

please tell me if anything i do bothers u, or if something juz doesn't click. i would like u to always be honest wif me. if i have a bad day, i hope you will shower me wif confidence and smiles.

i hope u don't think that i'm asking too much of u. i hope u understand that i'm a little nervous and scared and i may have problems expressing how i feel sometimes. i wish i could tell u how or when we will meet, and if we will be in love foreva. every relationship is like a new game of cards and...*sighs*...i've never been good at cards, but i will try my best to be kind and love u dearly for all that u r, without expecting too much from u. thanks for hearing my babble and it's all i have to ask. <3

yours always
amelia

merry christmas

2005-12-25T21:49:00.000+08:00

hey everybody....merry christmas. well it first started with me going for the midnight mass...damn good lor....i muz admit..the dancers danced very well...i was look at one of them cos i can't believe that he would dance....normally i would prefer for guys like to do sports or something more fun...not dancing...sounds a little sissy....no offence...neways....yer...din noe the cyf ppl were sitting together until teh last minute...sat with them. of course the cyf always sit on the rite side and the rccl ppl always sit at the left side...yupps. neways i dun think i wanna join choir liao cos of a certain person in it the i dun like. yupps....but see how first....i think i will still join...neways....the ppl all dress until so nice lor....i saw jo wear a skirt for the first time...and all the guys wear until damn formal...long sleeved with tie somemore...then ben damn funny lar...i think i talk to him most...besides jo and sam...yea...haha....i got prez from cyf and also got my frenz prez....although i forgot some ppl...sorry...can't remember soo many ppl....yups....o and i forgot to say...before all this mass i met eugene to give him his prez...haha....then we walked around toa payoh three times and talked about crap...lol and then i realised i was late for meeting sam lol....i love the christmas decorations....!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!!

with loads of love
santa's little helper
amelia....

dotts

2005-12-22T14:13:00.000+08:00

ahem....sam....and paul....it's know as writting crap...if u do not know.....and i know there's nothing between steph and gab....cos gab is with adeline now...i heard it from paul lar...haha. and paul u call me cuckoo for wat? so mean lor....haha. nothing btween u and dan ok? yea...

confessions of a broken heart

2005-12-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

my heart is broken
and my soul is shattered...
the day u left me all alone
i could not believe
that after all i've done
u still feel nothing--
towards me.
i thought u love me
from the way u spoke
the way u treated me...
u made me feel different
special in a way
much more better than all the other girls....
but now i see
it was juz ur sick joke
to test the love of an innocent girl....
u played with my emoticons
and toggled with my love
i hope u'r happy now...
ur joke succeeded

but i'm reduced to nothing but dust
taking my razor with me i step in the bathroom
never again to emerge from it...
looking down at my thin pale wrist,
a thought about u poped into my head
i pushed it aside
and threw ur ring away
took up the razor and cut away
on the wrist which were known as mine
feeling so numb with every slit i take
feeling my blood flow endlessly
like a ever flowing river

upon my wrist i slashed a word
"liar"
which stood for u and everything else
my time has come
it's time to say goodbye
to the world and everything in it
including u....

2005-12-17T15:17:00.000+08:00

teehee...okies ppl....i want to make it clear to all of u...there is nothing between me and eugene...geez u ppl think too much. like both of us said...we are juz friends....and only friends...haha so too bad no scandal. the real scandal is gwen and ana haha....if u know what i mean and paul and dan hahahhaha and step and gab...tee hee....o well maybe gwen and ana are juz friends too hehe...anyways that's about it. eugene is comign for mass today!! yay at least i have someone to talk to....sitting besides gwen and ana can be so boring sometimes. they and their er ren shi jie.... geez...neways...i lost my ear ring....damn pissed lar cos i liked it a lot and now have to go buy another one that is juz like it so toot lor...have to wait for my mum to come back to give me money to top up my ezlink card and some cash for buying food and going to heeren to get that simple plan fan edition dvd of hard rock live tee hee....yups and er....dunno lar...lots of stuff to do. and i know i bathed like two hours ago but i need to bathe again cos i wanna go out haha....hmm...wat time to need eug?? dunno lar see first. and eugene if u read this i want to hit ur cukoonene head....cos u never reply my msg...haha him and another person have have something on....haha...o wells gtg bye all.... x))))

three days till i leave

2005-12-03T20:32:00.000+08:00

hello....haha...din blog this thingy for ages...so i'm blogging ti now or ppl won't tag my board.. :( so yea...blogging. today i went to pauline's hse. but b4 that i talked to eugene and pauline and ben. ya..then i went to bathe. cna't believe i'm ahving my mendi...so sucks lar. so neways went to pauline's hse to play ps2...so fun we play that crash ninento game and then this other car driving game and then dynasty warriors. so fun...hahas. of course i keep on not being able to find baos when i need them...which is so frustrating. at 3+ we stop playing cos paul needed to go bathe. and then walked down and took the lift down.

guess wat?? the most annoying thing happen. juz before we reached the bus stop...our bus juz went off rite before our eyes...so crap lar. then had to wait for another bus to come. so long lar and she complain that she's gonna be late. so neways....the bus finally came. hopped on the bus and went to the second floor. sat rite in front. i sms eugene to ask him if i can go his hse cos i'm damn bored. and he said no..as expected. so i asked him if he can accompany me go macs and he said can. at first he never reply his sms. so pauline tell me to call him. i did...haiya he dun want to pick up the phone. and then his bro answered...haha. so funny i think shouted across the whole room lor..haha. and then he answered the phone. and ya...so he'll accompany me to macs. and besides he's going for mass too today. so yupps. so i went to macs la...but scared so i walked like one round around the place until i saw him then i dared to go in hehe...so ate then walked around toa payoh. so fun and we talked...juz talked about crap and stuff....went to popular and looked around read some books. and hello?! women are no the problem lar....and then we talked about personal stuff...so yups. so fun. and interesting too...haha...

went for mass with 15 min to spare. i went upstair and he went downstairs. then afterward he follow me up for a while. saw gwen and ana....phew...luckliy they came lor if not i die liao. he showed me this sms and i'm like hey who send one?? and he juz ran off..haha...fine lar dun show me...it's ok one. seriously. afterward pauline came and talk to me and then she went for choir. after that she ask me to go dinner with her but i say no lar cos i told my mum i'm going home for dinner. so i went home. o did i tell u i put eyeliner today. i look scarry as pauline said...and i think i did too lol. so then i came home and the rest is history...

tata!

savage garden- i knew i loved u

2005-11-26T21:49:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

i knew i loved u before i met you
i knew i loved u before i met you
i knew i loved u before i met you
i knew i loved u before i met you
i knew i loved u before i met you
i knew i loved u before i met you
i knew i loved u before i met you

hahas....i like this song...somehow it reminds me of someone i love...not telling u. it's juz this person who had a crush on me...and then i liked this person too haha....now i'm doubting that this person actually <33 me cos of the way he acts....o wells... love hurts and happily ever after failed. yupps. looks like i have to keep looking. and no paul i am not talking about the two ahem! geez....haha. go think wat u want tothink i'm not stopping u lol. but dun spread rumours about me can liao...haha. okies...bye

juz want u to know... this is my blog's song

2005-11-18T22:47:00.000+08:00

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

*sighs* this song reminds me of a certain someone.....yea. and fyi i have never had a bf...so go figure out urself. nothing much today...pretty much boring. the world is coming to an end u know...
but i am excited about tmr cos i get to see everyone again...yay! but still some things are left undone.... and i wish i could tell this person how i feel....but i juz can't find the courage...and i thnk he'll think i'm crazy.. i'll say it in due time...yea... unlike the one before... i din say anything.. sometimes i think i should have... well...time cannot turn back..all i can do now is to let go...

class chalet

2005-11-10T23:36:00.000+08:00

haha..the class chalet was so funny. came home from skool....was really tired...but still had to go for chalet. so then watched a bit of tv and urm....waited for SOME ppl to get back home to send me to that freaking aloha loyang... and i asked grace to help me find out where the chalet is. and she did. surprised eh? i thought she would forget lol. so then urm...had to go there by myself in the end. reached pasir ris mrt at like 7.38 or something like that. walked two rounds round that stupid mrt and still lost. went to the bus terminus to check for a bus that would go that. but then figure that i'll still get lost and looked for the next time that the bus would come. turns out that it would come at like 20.08 so juz forget and looked for a taxi stand. so that i can take a taxi there. looked at the one near the mrt but there was no one there so i din go there. so then went to the one at the shopping centre...still so many ppl. but luckily only need llike two more till my turn so it was ok. then the taxi driver asked me where aloha loyang is....so silly and lucky have those signs to guides us or we will be lost. and then got there. got lost again trying to sind the terrrace. and then finally used my brains and looked at the map. man! it was to my right all along...in front of me. ao then went in...and clio asked who is that haha it was so funny. went to the bbq pit and that daniel was here again. so then had some food...even if it was little and celebrated becky's b'day. i hate cheesecake so i din eat the cake. hmm..watched joan, daniel, sam and char played pinching card game. went back in to watch some tv. tried to call home...cannot get thru. parents phone not on. so sms bro. he put the phone properly. mum called and they were coming to pick me. suz could give me a ride to the mrt. but then parents coming so dun need to. watched tab tv..so nice about china girls. so then went home...char and yus walked me out. soooo nice.

THANKS CHAR AND YUS U TWO R THE BEST!!! ^.^

yea...that's all...bye

so tired =.=

2005-11-08T23:07:00.000+08:00

the skies are blue..
but my heart is grey...
carrying the burden of life
if only it could spred it's wings and fly...
copyright of amelia

okies....today i am really tired. mr teh gave so much homework...i everything also cannot do. one word...i'm dead. how am i gonna pass that stupid retest if i can't even do log??? and surd...dun get me started...i thought it was soooo easy and then what happened???? i can't do the rest of the sums... so annoying. and then i'm going for the 2/4 chalet...i guess it'll be good to be with my old class again.... and suz is coming =P yay! soooo happy...my best friend is gonna be be there....juz wish my other best friend could be there :( o wellz....it's always like that... paul is going for this dance thingy...din tell me earlier...*sighs* *punches paul for not telling her* hehe. and then er...have to pay yus. hopefully she is not angry at me for changing my mind at the last minute...muz be quite stressful for her.. XP o wellz...i hope the bbq is good...or i'll juz go home and if i feel left out i'll go home too. i'm not afraid to do that u know...unlike some ppl like tortise child...dun dare to stand up for themselves.

i juz dunno which part of loyang the chalet is.. die lar... i ask yowie tmr....i think. that is if she knows. if not i ask someone else. hopefully this chalet thingy would allow me to mend all broken ties and all....dun want any enemies...and hopefully ms clingy won't come. not that i'm mean but she's really annoying when she clings on u like a leech...i dun like her at all...a little of her is ok...but she keeps overflowing!!!

ARGH I CAN'T TAKE IT NEMORE!! I WISH I WAS NEVER NICE TO HER U KNOW... o well i have to be nice....dun want to be know as the mean girl and stupid david... i tell u i'm gonna kick his switz ass all the way to the north pole. that faggot called me a fjortis. idoit. i know what it means. i asked my nice friend jose. she's really nice. and she told me that it was something mean to call someone. anyways...it refers to someone who is really lame and thinks he/ she is the best... o wateva david. no wonder u din want to tell me. haha...and did i tell u jose told me something really good to scold him back...hahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahaha! hehe jose is soooo much nicer.

yea...david is soo mean...but he can be nice sometimes. neways...i still have one more lesson. i really hope i can do well *cries* i wanna do a-maths. i gotta ask jose somemore things...cos he juz called me stuff again... :( and i'm tired...i think i'll juz go....

o yea...going for some weird dace lesson with paul, sam, yowie.. kinda expensive..50 bucks for 4 lessons. sucks man...hope my mum doesn't do merdusa on me...and i gtg...tired.

bye! =P

a-maths lesson

2005-11-07T19:16:00.000+08:00

nothing much

2005-11-07T08:37:00.000+08:00

o where o where can my baby be?
the Lord took her away from me.
she's gone to heaven,
so i gotta be good.
So i can see my baby when i leave
this world...

haiz...that was a sad song. i like it....now i know why the sec twos like it. nice song. o yea changed my blod song to juz want u to know. i really love that song and it rox!!! speaking of rock.....blink rox and simpla plan rulz and gc rox too. so neways....i have skool cos i din do well in my maths. and er...yea. i have skool until wed. then i think i have to go for a first aid course. o yeah! finally i can go for it after waiting 3 years. so neways...gonna be quite busy at some times and i need to study. i should miniise the amount of time i use the comp....it's not good for me and er...i need to pack my bag. did i tell u the funniest thing? i lost my pencilbox and then i found it in one of my purses...funny rite? i never bothered to search there in the first place. i sooooooooo hope i dun get mr chan for my a-maths remindal lesson...i want mr teh cos he is more paitent and yea! mr teh is gonna be my form teacher next year!!! he rox lar. so yea..... i gotta go now...byes! =P

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world.

We were out on a date in my daddy's car
We hadn't driven very far
There in the road, up straight ahead
A car was stalled, the engine was dead
I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right
I'll never forget the sound that night
The screamin' tires, the bustin' glass
The painful scream that I heard last.

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world.

When I woke up, the rain was pourin' down
There were people standing all around
Something warm rollin' through my eyes
But somehow I found my baby that night
I lifted her head, she looked at me and said
"Hold me darling just a little while."
I held her close, I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love that I knew I would miss
But now she's gone, even though I hold her tight
I lost my love, my life that night.

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world.
Oooh~ ooooh~